Last week a friend asked me something that had been bugging her. She has a lot of male and female cousins, all of whom are close in age. She is Afghan, married to a Pakistani guy. So even though her family is otherwise more liberal than her husband’s, when it comes to mingling with the opposite gender, her family frowns upon it whereas her husband’s family considers it normal.
Recently at a family event, she saw her husband sitting “too close” (by her definition*) to a female cousin of his. Her husband thinks of his cousin as his younger sister, and doesn’t see anything wrong with her putting an arm around him and taking a photo. However, back in the day, said cousin had a thing for him and when he refused her rishta, she took sleeping pills and stayed in the hospital for a month.
Long story short, my friend was pretty upset but her husband thinks she is overreacting and should have complete trust in him.
I thought it’s an interesting question because every family has a different dynamic and what’s considered normal in one might be a big no-no in another. I would like to get your views on how it is in your family and if you would be upset with your significant other freely mixing with family members of the opposite sex?
*(Too close = where their arms/legs could be touching)
In both sides of my family, it would be frowned upon to sit that closely with a cousin of the opposite gender. If it’s a group of us cousins, it’s fine. But prolonged and frequent one-on-one interactions with a male cousin would definitely raise eyebrows.
As for your friend’s situation, I think her husband should be respectful of her wishes. Yes, he is right in that his wife should trust him. But apart from trust, marriage also requires consideration and compromise. Rather than tell his wife that she’s overacting, he should stop sitting so closely with his cousin. It won’t kill him. Your spouse’s comfort should come first. And you never know…feelings can be re-triggered…with such close interactions. He should be mindful of that. But even if cousin did not have any pre-existing romantic feelings, husband should still be considerate of your friend’s feelings.
I would say it’s completely normal putting your arm around your cousin etc, however in this case the cousin had a thing for the husband which seemed to be pretty intense judging from the cousin’s reaction. So I agree with the wife. I would also be wary.
Inappropriate by the guy. He’s married now, he needs to have some respect for his wife. They’re not 10 years old cousins anymore. Having said that I don’t suspect anything is going on, it’s just no longer appropriate behavior when married. People can’t act like they were when they were single, just because something was okay when one is single doesn’t mean it’s okay after being in a committed relationship. People need to understand this concept.
The whole situation of close not too close is moot when the sleeping pills thing is the bigger problem. Like he’s being incredibly cruel to the girl when he’s acting on what he’s comfortable with rather than being considerate of her. His wife isn’t wrong at all before their history is way more loaded than a normal cousin relationship is.
On the switch side, let’s say your friend had a prior rishta from one of her cousins. And in a gathering she was cozy with him taking pics? Wouldn’t that irk her hubby?
I agree w/red velvet…a spouse’s comfort should come first.
Sleeping pills/married or not, physical touching is not right.
And no matter what happens in one’s family, there are certain things one does out of respect for spouse. Also when one is married and making a family of their own, not every previous family tradition/norm needs to be carried forward.
Just out of curiosity, would people have responded the same way if they weren’t married, just engaged?
Also, he is like that with all female cousins, not just this one and it bugs my friend every time. So would her objection be justified if there was no prior history with the female cousin?
Like I said earlier, even if there was no prior history with this specific cousin or any cousin for that matter…he should still stop being so touch feely with his cousins if it makes wife uneasy.
From an Islamic perspective, her objection would be justified each time he unnecessarily touches any female whether it is this cousin or another or someone unrelated…and ideally that should trump family norms.
One can still maintain a good rapport with their cousins without touching them. It doesn’t matter that the husband says he would be totally okay with his wife being close with male cousins because he “knows” her. I don’t care for that argument. It’s like saying I’m okay with something and therefore you …as a rule…should be okay with it too. It doesn’t always work that way. It is such a small thing to give up. Why turn it into an ego issue and persist in hurting your spouse…what do you get from that? You may see these cousins sporadically throughout the year…and you’d put them before the comfort of the person live and share your life with…how sad is that.
why can’t some people in desi households understand boundaries. There is a thread in parenting forum I think talking about the same issue, and its kinda eye opening. There should be some boundaries between families members especially in our culture. This includes boundaries between uncle and nieces and nephews and also among cousins etc.
Thats inappropriate. In my family, any gathering on eids etc with first cousins around have a separate seating/food area for males and females and NO, we are not conservative molvi famiky at all. Handshaking with cousins of opposite gender is not encouraged either even though I am the eldest of all.
The problem is she had a thing for him. I usually keep my distance from female cousins my age or close to my age. That said, we laugh and joke around.
Now cousins that you practically helped raise are a different case I think. They’re babies. I probably wouldn’t feel odd if those kids threw an arm around me or something. We’re gonna see when they grow up.
So does your friend get upset every-single-time her husband acts like this with ANY of his female cousins and brings it up?
In my family there are NO cousin marriages. We are taught from birth to treat/view our cousins as a brother/sister. Even now as adults, it is not unusual for a male cousin to sit next to a female cousin (obviously the two bodies aren’t tightly pressed against one another or anything…just two adults sitting next to each other on a couch). It’s also not unusual for us to greet each other by a quick hug and put our arms around one another during family events while taking a picture.
If this guy was hanging out with the cousin and doing these things alone then I can see her issue. But he’s sitting next to his cousin, and putting his arms around her to take a picture while surrounded by other family members…including his wife.
What exactly about this makes your friend uncomfortable? Is it religious reasons? You wrote that her family is more liberal than his family in other aspects so I’m assuming her family does plenty of things that are not 100% Islam approved either. Does she think her husband is really going to do anything sexual with ANY of his cousins?
^I have seen that even in families where one is told that their cousins are like their siblings, feelings can and do develop. And that’s exactly what happened in this situation. It really didn’t matter that the husband always thought of his younger cousin as a choti behn, that didn’t prevent her from falling for him. And husband and younger cousin may never have gotten sexual. It doesn’t have to reach the point of becoming sexual for it to only then be considered inappropriate. If that were the case, then people wouldn’t get upset if their SO had a strictly emotional affair (no sex) with someone else…and I’m just using this as an example; not suggesting that an affair took place or will take place. Lol, I’ve even heard parents tell their kids to view their classmates as brothers and sisters…but that doesn’t guarantee anything right? The point is that the “potential” will always be there and I think that the religious admonishment recognizes the potential and wants to safeguard from that. I don’t follow every religious ruling but at the same time I think it sounds wrong to justify something that should be avoided with the defensive argument that oh well I’m sure there are plenty of Islamic rules the other person don’t follow either. We tend to deflect onto other sins or onto the other person’s deeni shortcomings rather than admit that something that we are doing is not right.
Your friend is not over reacting. Her husband needs to take into account her feelings. One of my cousin’s had a thing for me years back (we are both married now) and we used to be super close. However, since we each got married we have kept a good distance, keeping it only to salaams to avoid hurting our respective spouse’s feelings. Likewise, my husband said no to a rishta from his chachu’s daughter and he stays away from her because he knows I am not comfortable with it. Besides, once married there is no reason to be so free with a member of the opposite gender (even if it is a cousin) because anything can happen. Your friend should sit down with her husband and explain exactly why she finds this bothersome and, if he has any respect for her feelings, he will hopefully adopt a more conservative approach towards said cousin.
in my family, shaking hands with cousins, greeting them with a hug, putting an arm around for pics, sitting next to each other are considered normal and no one frowns upon it. in your friend’s case if her husband family is such that these things are considered normal then your friend should not be worrying over this.
Once married, you have to embrace the life you agreed you’d embrace, values of husbands family have to be honored. Or discuss with your better half if there is something different you’d like to do, as compared to his family.
Before getting engaged, I didn’t do dupatta on my head, but I saw that my mother in law to be was having full hijab and sister in laws had more modest pardah me. So here I am, I started doing dupatta on my head, unlike my other sisters. I received quite postive feedback. My fiance compliment me. But I was never asked to do it. I did it by choice.
If too close is not too close in your opinion, discuss with your better half and come at agreement. honor his insecurities, he’ll honor yours.
I think in the given situation, I would feel a bit odd too. He might “view” her as a younger sister but clearly she doesn’t if she took sleeping pills etc due to his rejection, can’t he see that?
Once you’re married, your spouse and his feelings should be your number one priority. In this case, she is not asking him of something unheard or absurd and a simple distance wouldn’t be hard to maintain either. You can still have fun with your cousins without being all glued together and touchy touchy. Never understood the need to be honest.
lol no I said it bugs her every time. I didn’t say that she picks a fight every single time.
mm wife wasn’t at the family wedding where this happened.
I don’t think it’s for religious reasons. It’s more about possessiveness perhaps? Don’t know if that’s the right word. Based on what I’ve been told, her husband used to like his khala’s daughter (way back in college days) then she moved out of country and they lost touch and he moved on. Then there was this other cousin (phuphu’s daughter) who liked him but he thought of her as his baby sister. So clearly, it’s not as simple as he is making it sound that feelings don’t develop between cousins.
They had a love marriage, so it’s not a trust issue. She knows he loves her and takes his marriage seriously. She just doesn’t like other girls touching him, whether it is his cousin sisters or hers. They have had this conversation twice before, so I personally think she is right to be upset if he is still not being considerate enough. In his defense, he isn’t putting his arm around anyone. It was the girls each time. But he didn’t have to sit so close that such an opportunity would present itself repeatedly.
