Sister in laws

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hi all,

(I’m currently engaged and due to wed next december )

I guess this topic has been done to death, but i need some seriously advice as when i tell my friends or family member everyone gets annoyed at my sis in laws ( once i told my cousin and my friend they became very horrid with them by ignoring etc)

My issues are:

  • when i go for dinner/ or alone to see them my sister in laws run upstairs in their rooms and come down here and there leaving me looking like a dummy

  • eldest sister in law thinks she can shout at me ( once she offered me water and i politely declined as i had no food to eat and i generally drink when i eat… half an hour later my fiance asked me if i wanted a drink i said oh yes ( i had food then) so she decided to shout OH WHEN I ASKED YOU FOR WATER YOU SAID NO SONIA WHEN FIANCE asks you you said YES what is your problem)

  • dont bother with me in general when i do so much for them like buy them presents for all their birthdays, passing exams, anything. When they come to my home for dinner i tend to get all the stuff they like to eat

my eldest SIL got married in jan this year all through out her preparation i wasnt involved not that i didnt try to be… i got bits and bobs for her wedding myself like choorian, mehendi stuff etc. My r’ship is quite distant with all 3 of them. we dont tend to go shopping or anything, and they never cme to my house unless invited for dinner. I have tried so hard for the past 3 years ( when me and my fiance were dating) to build a r’ship with them same as how my phabi is with me!

now when my elder SIL got married they lied to me about not having their clothes made or ready, i only asked once when i wanted to know the theme i thought as their phabi to be i should have similar colours to them. But they never showed me until i took their mehendi clothes to my darzi to have made, and all the other clothes i was not shown, which is fine not moaning but its just nice to have that r’ship with your phabi.

now recently my bahi jaan is getting married and i txt my 2 younger SIL if they wanted to wear long dresses for my bahi’s registration as they are my family to and we dont have many girls in the family ( only 3 girls rest are boys!) i did not txt my elder SIL in the opinion that she is married and her husband probably wont approve and i know it.

a few hours later i get a response NO we dont want to thanks its against our culture and we will pick and wear what ever we like thanks. i burst out crying because they are always like this with me, my fiance was with me and he read the txt etc and went home and had a go at them which i told him not to do.

i called my middle SIL the next day and apologised to her that my fiance shouldnt have had a go. but she completely went for me and told me blantantly they dont like me because i dont like their older sister ( forgot to mention she did little drama’s on her wedding like on teil mehendi claim i put oil in her hair, or on her walima i did not know she was wearing purple she kept it a secret from me , my clothes has a bit of purple in them, or start crying when my parents bought me a new car during her wedding as my car got smashed in an accident a few months earlier)

I know people have issue’s with a new family, but i have tried so hard and i give up. It hurts when you geniunely love people and they in fact hate you and you dont know why.

It affects my r’ship with my fiance because he is torn , he supports me yet he has to live in the same house as them.

Oh my parents in laws do know about the txt etc , and they had a word with them. My mother in law bless her she is so sweet was going to drag them to my house to apologise. they apologised to my fiance and apparently said that they shouldnt have done that. I dont want an apology really i just want them to understand im not horrible, i am a nice person.

i just dont know what to do , it hurts me so much and has me in tears. I’m SO nice to my phabi and phabi to be , am i just expecting to much?

2

Re: Sister in laws

hmmmm, are they jealous of you,

and you may find this odd -are you prettier than them?

alot of sis in laws and girls in general get easily miffed and find reasons to hate a newcomer, if they either look better/are clever/have nicer clothes etc than them.

or

they had someone else in mind for their brother...

3

Re: Sister in laws

also- i think you are trying WAYYYYYYYYY TOO MUCH for someone whose just a fiance, and marriage is next year...chill out dont be such a doormat for them, anything nice you do now thyel think is just for impressing their mum and brother....so ignore them and dont bother with them at all...just be polite etc, no need to get up their **** so to speak.

4

Re: Sister in laws

Why are you so desperate for your future SILs approval? Your fiance is ok with you....it sounds like your fiance's parents don't have a problem with you. So at this point, who cares what the sisters think of you? Since they sisters have made it very clear to you that they are not interested in being "friendly" with you....my suggestion is that you STOP texting them and buying them presents!

If you have to see them when you go over to their house or at family events....just be polite. But otherwise, stop making efforts to become friends with them. A lot of the drama would stop if you stopped contacting the sisters. Forget them and just focus on your fiance and keeping his parents happy.

5

Re: Sister in laws

If you are prettier than your SIL's and got a nice clothing choice.....then they will make your life HELL and even try to get a DIVORCE done. Get the guy out and settle somewhere peacefully....

The guy will listen to her sisters......they will make him dance on their tips

If you are straight forward (blunt) and honest, more troubles for you! So you need to develop good listening ability and good deal of compromise........

6

Re: Sister in laws

will u be living in the same house as them after marriage? no one can fault u for trying hard with them to build a relationship but they are just no interested. i think u should just remain civil towards them but not try and be too friendly with them, its obviously not working. is ur fiance their only brother? they might feel a bit jealous that they are 'losing' him to you.

7

Re: Sister in laws

I agree, become all nonchalant, quit trying to please them, just be polite as and when required. They'll come around, hopefully. And if they dont, your fiance knows what theyre like so you wont have to defend yourself in such situations, try to not let it bother u, theyre only doing this cuz they know its affecting you.

8

Re: Sister in laws

Awww. I know it must be hard for you and you already are doing your part by still wanting to make things right but i would like to say here that try and think from their point of view also. I am not saying what they r doing is right but sometimes people lack the manners or the ability to deal with issues they may have with you. Try and build a better relationship with yr elder sis, have a heart to heart with her and clear any misconceptions she may have of you. Remember she is your to be husband's sister so its the best you guys get along well. Maybe since you guys got engaged, they feel their bros is not giving them enough time or even attention. It's your fiance's responsibility too here to make sure he is balancing every relationship well. It can be hard but it has to be done if you want to have a happy family life.

You are MasAllah se lucky your inlaws and fiance understand you so i think its only fair you do your extra bit and try and make the rest of the family comfortable with you too. You'll be the winner in the end as nobody wins with having egos or such petty issues in mind. So just be the better person and try sort things out.

Good luck :)

9

Re: Sister in laws

Woho. Sorry guys but i have to butt in.

Maybe you guys dont have a brother or even a sister to know the importance of such relationships, maybe thats why its so easy for u to say oh its just his sister dont bother BUT indeed all these relationships r v.imp. I am not saying what the sisters in question are doing is right. Definately not! but that shudnt mean you tell sonia to give up. She is not even married in that house yet and if already there are issues than God forbid it can result in something bad. Her inlaws and fiance may be on her side now but dont forget that when the marriage is done things change alot. So for her benefit and godwill its better she gets along well with the whole family.

10

Re: Sister in laws

My friend has the same issues with her IL. Best to try and get along with them because once your married you will be part of their family and you will need to get on. I dont understand why the SIL are acting like that towards you. Is your fiance their only brother and so feeling jealous of the attention you are getting from him?

11

Re: Sister in laws

Im not sure if its such a great idea to be a doormat for people because it sets a bad example for the future. New SILs should be welcomed...not walked on.

I would call the elder SIL and talk to her. Dont argue or get upset...maybe even have your fiance with you when you make the call. Just talk to her and ask her if there has been any misunderstanding or if you've done something unintentionally to offend her.

Make an effort but dont lay yourself out to be trampled over...thats not right...you have self-respect also.

12

Re: Sister in laws

Honestly, I can see them saying the exact same things, but about you.....not that your problems aren't there or that they're not being mean..... but things are never that black and white.

I don't think you should be trying so hard especially when you're not married to the guy yet.....be nice, be polite, be considerate, but don't spend your money, and more importantly don't waste your energy and emotions on people who aren't worth it.

I would be friendly but not over the top

13

Re: Sister in laws

hear! hear! :)

14

Re: Sister in laws

Why dont you just count your lucky blessings your SIL's talking to you? Thats the BEST thing EVER.

15

Re: Sister in laws

Thing is i have 3 brothers. None of us are having an arranged marriage , so its hard not to make an effort because you cannot just ignore the sister in laws.

I would never ever want my phabi's to dislike me OR hell would freeze over before i decided not to like them. My parents do not like or understand the need of daughter in laws etc being hated or what ever. My eldest phabi is treated just like how i am, we all live together and my phabi to be is excited and happy to move in.

My family and my in laws family are relatively well off. The difference is really me and phabi are into a lot of designer stuff like handbags and shoes, wherhas they are younger and can't afford it yet until they finish their education and get jobs!

I would not say i am prettier than them, i am taller and more 'womanly'. I look completely different to them.

I tried to build a relationship and tried my best because i want a happy drama free love, its in my nature to be loving and nice. I do not want to have my fiance constantly upset, or upset my parents or his. I've seen enough asian families being torn apart due to sister in laws.

my fiance currently isn't speaking to his sisters due to this. He loves me and i love him alot, and obviously family or no family we are still one. But it affects you , i would absolutely never want or dream of my phabi / future phabi being hated by me , in tears and wanting to move out because of me and my selfish antics.

It is a bit old school, but we are a small family and my parents and grandparents love the ronak and emphasise on no drama. I don't ever think my parents have argued with their siblings or have ever uttered bad about their partners.

Its just that i wanted a happy life , i wanted my fiance to feel the same as my brothers do. They never face any crap like OH your sister this that%£%£$£$ or your wife is $%££$£$£$£ !!!!!!!!

Oh and the problems are now, imagine when i move into their house. They would probably slaughter me :(

And i don't feel the need to speak to my older sister in law, she has her own issues with her sister in law. We already had this heart to heart and she blamed my fiance for the issues.

16

Re: Sister in laws

My guess is that they are jealous since you are getting a lot of attention from their brother and family. Keep your distance from them for a while and let your fiance handle his family. You don't want to have issues before you are married with them.

17

Re: Sister in laws

If you've already made the effort of speaking to her, then what else can you really do?

Just keep a cool mind and ignore. Sometimes people need to understand that no matter what they do...their actions will only affect them...not you.

Be friendly but do not get involved or into anymore drama...let them battle it out themselves.

18

Re: Sister in laws

They are coming over for iftaari tomorrow, should i just been polite and just say hi? and obviously i will help out more by serving food , helping in kitchen etc to avoid conversation?

19

Re: Sister in laws

Be polite and courteous...since you are the host.

Make sure they are comfortable but dont be baited into getting upset or angry if they make insensitive comments or get mean.

20

Re: Sister in laws

Ok so i have to try really really hard not to ignore them. I try not to engage in conversation with someone if it results in me getting angry or upset!

So should i hug them with a Salaam or when i open the door just kinda stand behind it and say Hi! let them go in and go get busy in kitchen?