sincere advice

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: sincere advice

Now what if the husband finds out and beats the **** out of her, since he is feeling all betrayed and stuff. Would you people be as forgiving to him, 'coz u know, anyone can get emotional and make mistakes??

42

Re: sincere advice

Exactly. Not only that but if a guy posted that he was married and having an affair and attempting to explain it by stating that he has no interest in his wife and only married her at his parents' suggestion, people would have quickly pointed out how unethical and immoral his behaviour is and told him to grow a pair and divorce his wife before beginning a new relationship. I doubt anyone would be claiming "he doesn't have loose morals, he just made a bad decision."

43

Re: sincere advice

I am super high on morals and good character so obviously reading this thread irked me but yet made me feel kinda sad for the girl and you, truthador, beautifully explained why I felt sad for her.

44

Re: sincere advice

Of course not! It's not the same. Her life has not even begun yet. How can you say she has loose morals when to me it seems like an honest screwup? She doesn't sound conniving to me. She admits her mistake and is ready to face consequences. Someone with loose morals will find a way to make it look like somebody else's fault. It just sounds like she has not had much exposure to boys/men. Even after her nikkah, she was not able to properly meet/communicate with her husband. That's a very big deal! She seems to have had a very sheltered life. Don't most desi girls?

My only issue is with people throwing the words "loose morals" for something that seems very innocent.

45

Re: sincere advice

I will understand his emotional outlash completely. I would not however understand why he would beat it out of her. As far as they are concerned, they never really had a relationship! Saying Qabool hai three times and then taking off to another country is not exactly the best way to start a new relationship. Not saying it's his fault at all but the whole situation did leave a lot of room for this to happen.

46

Re: sincere advice

Ask your friend to watch some Turkish dramas like Ishq e Mamnoo and try to learn from them. They have very similar story lines.

47

Re: sincere advice

I think her new boyfriend should not even factor into her decision. Fine, she made a mistake when she married a man she has absolutely no interest in, now she has 2 options:

1) she can commit to staying with her current husband, knowing she didn't like him but resolving to get to know him better and make the relationship work
2) divorce her husband if she feels like she simply feels nothing towards him and never will

who knows if the boyfriend can be relied on, but even if he isn't in the picture, staying with her current husband just because she has no better options is ridiculous. you don't make marriage decisions because you don't know what else is out there. We're humans and we make mistakes but its how we recover that makes the difference. She needs to accept accountability for the mistake she has made, and staying in a marriage she has no interest in, just because she doesn't know what else she will get is not doing that. Potentially having to hear some backlash from people in the community will be part and parcel of accepting the responsibility for the decision she made, which whether done in innocence or under pressure or whatever, was still the wrong thing to do.

48

Re: sincere advice

But why you keep rank non-physical offenses as somehow less terrible?? Beating is worse than cheating? We have arbitrary scales of ''how bad'' , don't we??

Everyone has their own scale. I don't understanding why people try to push their personal scale as right, and everyone else's as wrong? Doesn't that sound a bit ''molvi'ish'' to you??

49

Re: sincere advice

^In my opinion both are equally wrong and cannot be excused as a mistake. Her infidelity or his hypothetical physical abuse.

A person cannot often control the world around or the people they deal with, but they ALWAYS have the ability to control and be accountable for their own actions. And the idea of right and wrong - we've all got a conscience and the ability to know the difference between right and wrong - that daily struggle is our ultimate jihad - the jihad-un-nafs. And yes, that does come across as molvi-ish - but I'd like to think more equitable.

50

Re: sincere advice

But they did not have a relationship! if they both were emotionally vested in the relationship then it would certainly be very wrong of her to do this. Signing nikaah papers doesn't automatically make you fall in love with someone. It requires interaction and communication, which did not happen because the guy left the country.

What's molvi'ish is you trying to make it acceptable if the guy beat her for it! Yeah, maybe it would be a bit acceptable if they had some sort of a relationship but they didn't!!!! That's the whole point. That's what left a lot of room for error.

51

Re: sincere advice

Violence against women must never be tolerated. It IS worse than cheating. The blaze attitude some men show towards this issue is the reason why it is so common in our society. Allah taa'la will judge us harshly for this.

Love has nothing to do with marriage. Particularly in arranged marriages. Marriage is a commitment you make. And one should take it seriously. This one is a breach of that commitment. Even if the marriage was consummated, same thing could have happened. If nikah does not magically instill love, neither can consummation.

52

Re: sincere advice

Agreed. Never implied nikah or consummation had anything to do with love. I said communication.

53

Re: sincere advice

I'm not sure why suddenly the attention has shifted to the husband and whether or not he loves the OP's friend. The fact of the matter is that the OP's friend made a commitment when she agreed to the marriage. Whether or not love had anything to do with it is irrelevant. She committed to the marriage and by having an affair, she breached that commitment.

At this risk of sounding rather callous, I'm not terribly certain I buy the whole bit about "desi society expects women to marry young and she was pressured into the marriage." Society is made up of individuals and individuals are responsible for their own actions. Even if this woman was extremely sheltered and inexperienced in regards to relationships, she was likely aware of the fact that infidelity is unethical.

As far as societal expectations, society also expects people to remain faithful. How is it that she could go against society in having an affair but not in saying no to a marriage she was unsure of?

54

Re: sincere advice

^She didn't say no because she didn't have a better option available. I bet if he didn't have that guy waltzing along she would still be getting married to that guy. We should be responsible enough to honor our commitments (atleast commitments this big), because seriously, if all the stars were aligned u can always do better (or worse), so that's a stupid thing to be mesmerized by guy#2 when she didn't even give guy#1 a chance. And if she met him a couple of times during the rishta process that's enough of meeting in person, she could've gotten to know him over Skype. But she invested her time in guy#2. And frankly speaking, unless the guy is a total douche (and not even then) if he's reasonably good looking and nice to talk to, u spend enough time with them u can easily fall for anyone.One of my friends was once getting a lot of attention and dropped hints from a guy at work, who was doing well in his career, was decent looking and good to talk to. Now this guy was engaged, but after having a few conversations with my friend (and having a crush on her beforehand) , he was all head over heels for her and saying that he had no particular interest in his fiancé (he was not in touch with her), it was an arranged rishta, he had just said yes because family was after him. He was disheartened because they had rejected the girl he actually wanted to marry (she was from the elite class, and later he too realized that it could never have worked out) and now he was just like k if its not his love than it doesn't matter who the girl is I dont care, so whoever u want I'll just marry her. That's how he came to be engaged and uninterested. My friend talked some sense into him, that he should get to know his fiancé and she might turn out to be a really nice person. He was still after her but she cut off from him and said it wasn't going to happen. She couldn't make him break his engagement and especially not just for a trial relationship (she wasn't too into him and wasn't sure she wanted to marry him either way). Anyway, they stopped talking, he started talking to his fiancé, they got married, fell deeply in love, had babies and are very happy together now (he told my friend, and said he was glad that she pushed him to get to know his fiancé).
Anyway my point is I find it really stupid when ppl for no reason diss the person they r committed to even when they didn't put in the time and effort to get to know them, because if they did the person might just turn out to be Mr./Ms. Right.

55

Re: sincere advice

Morals don’t just include refraining from slutting around. Integrity, keeping your word, commitment also are moral values. If this is an honest screw up, she should own her mistake of entering a marriage, coz that was best available at the time and then walking out on a better deal. She should tell her parents and the guy, she involved with another man, return his gifts, pay him any expenses he incurred and start over.

I said the same thing in another thread, where a man wanted to divorce his yet to arrive wife from Pakistan and marriage had not been consummated. Here http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/635181-marriage-in-jeopardy-need-advice-2.html

56

Re: sincere advice

Lmfaaoo all of you guys are too funnny !