sincere advice

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: sincere advice

Of course.. I feel really bad for the guy..

Yeah ppl change and yeah, I'm saying it for the girl.. They should at least have some sort of basic attraction or want to be with that other person.. Sounds as though the guy does like her..

There have been quite a few even on here who've said "I don't feel anything for him but I'm not sure whether I should still go ahead?" It's not rocket science.. I wonder how they'd feel being on the receiving end of their partner saying "I didn't really like you but just thought I'd go along with it."

22

Re: sincere advice

No what I'm saying is that if she was on the fence she shouldn't have gone for the nikah, should've chosen to get engaged instead. But if she's like 100% sure she can't marry this guy then she shouldnt make another mistake and get pressured into the rukhsati. Btw what guy is ok with marrying a girl who's telling him she's fallen for another guy? Especially if thy have no real attachment or lluuuvvvvv going on? Is the guy also stupid.
Also I don't understand what the big deal is with long distance relationships. For goray I understand the physical aspect of the relationship is a big part of it so that's their main issue. But when desis say that he/she is so far away, we can't make it work, I find that difficult to understand.

23

Re: sincere advice

You're right but there is quite a difference between attempting to identify *every *potential issue that may go awry in a marriage and actually using a bit of common sense to determine whether you're, at the very least, compatible with the person you decide to marry. It would be foolish to suggest that people attempt the former as it is impossible to foresee every single issue that may arise. However, given the severity of issues that people argue over on here (i.e. religiosity, living situation, working after marriage, etc.), I highly doubt that people even attempt the latter. If they did, you would not see so many women whinging about things that should have been obvious and should have gotten sorted, or least considered, prior to marriage.

As far as the OP's friend, she agreed to marry a man she had absolutely no interest in. It does not take a genius to come to the conclusion that this situation was a recipe for disaster. At the risk of sounding a bit callous, a bit of forethought prior to getting married could have prevented this entire situation and spared the OP's friend loads of drama.

24

Re: sincere advice

But it happened already! What's the point of talking about what coulda shoulda woulda?

Long distance relationships work if they are initiated and formed by the very person getting married. Meeting in person should be even more important in arranged rishtas! That is how you would know what the person is like you are going to spend a lifetime with. How he behaves, how he treats others around you, how does he look at you and most of all, you realize whether or not you are attracted to each other! It is crazy to me that rishta hotay the guy and girl never see each other.

25

Re: sincere advice

Your friend just messed up...badly.

If I were you, I'd let her dig herself out of this.

She did it knowing what was happening...so no...no pity for her.

26

Re: sincere advice

she should grow up and stop being selfish. has she even been promised marriage by the other guy? what of she gets a divorce and then the other guy doesnt wanna marry her?

27

Re: sincere advice

Second guy is playing her. We men sometimes go after prey if we don't have it, and not for the reason that we are hungry. Especially when someone else owns it. It just makes the game while lot interesting.

28

Re: sincere advice

the girl has no morals and no scruples..... she was another man's wife and she cheated on him..... simple as that....
you cannot analyse every last detail and scenario before making the decision.....you agree on the basics and then commit to making things work and stick together with each other till the end.....
as for the aankh ojhal pahar ojhal theory..... what if they get married and husband has to leave overseas for work for a few weeks...??? should a wife end up having an affair.........
chaste women protect themselves for their husbands.... they regard nikkah as something sacred.......
she should not get rukhsati with her husband......receipe for disaster

29

Re: sincere advice

If people 'say' about her then it's because what she did is wrong. Now she needs to bear the consequences.

There is no excuse for her actions and no one is going to say to her, shabash tumnai acha kaam kiya hai. She will be looked down upon and if she hasn't the guts to deal with it, she should have considered all of this before she had an affair (and an affair need not be physical or sexual) - infidelity is not honoring your commitment to your spouse.

30

Re: sincere advice

Good, maybe this time she'll behave like a responsible adult, rather than making excuses and letting other people make decisions for her. She's afraid of talking badly about her because she knows they're right.

She's married. She needs to get a divorce and move on, if she's not willing to commit to her husband.

31

Re: sincere advice

She seems to be pretty immature and having second thoughts.

It's her life and her decision. Just make sure that the "Boyfriend" is worth it.

32

Re: sincere advice

Thankyou for those who gave SINCERE ADVICE

only two

Rest r coming ,commenting n thts it .sorry but i havent asked you all to please pass ur comments on the situation ..no offence keep it to urself if you cant advice

She knows she screwed
Shes knws ppl call it cheating
She knows she was a retard to get nikkah just like that
She has no loose morals.i know her for 10 years n shes v pretty alot of guys were after her n she never had a relationship

33

Re: sincere advice

This is your come back that she was very pretty but didn't have an affair. Well she did after getting nikkahfied.

Sincere advice is she needs to make a decision. Either get out of it or make it work. Neither is easy.

34

Re: sincere advice

please don’t take all this personally since it is not about you. your friend should though. You are the best person to advise her, since like her, you got married very recently and your husband also lives/works in the middle east. And you are taking your marriage vows very seriously.

35

Re: sincere advice

I have been a very good influence on you. This is a “Zafra” post if anything :smiley:

36

Re: sincere advice

Hey, it’s my influence on you that’s the positive element :snooty:

Getting back to the thread, if she knows she’s screwed up (which in her opinion seems to be not having the affair, but marrying in the first place) - then she needs to take responsibility and that means dealing with the fallout. Social censure and ostracism, condemnation for her actions and a lack of sympathy are natural. You seem to want the people on this forum to say - it’s okay - hota hai, not a big deal. Dump the husband and live a happily ever after with the boyfriend.

The fact that no one is responding in such a way is because the rest of us know that that no one can justify her actions.

37

Re: sincere advice

Hmmm, I don't know, are we being a little harsh on this girl? Loose morals... really?? She's 25, which as we all know in desi years is ancient, so already she's got the family on her back, "you leave it any longer and no one's going to marry you"....."for crying out loud, by 26 you should be popping out your 3rd baby" ....and so on.

So there she is, she knows she should have got married at 23 but she's been pushing her luck, holding out for "Mr Right". Only trouble is "Mr Right" hasn't shown up yet and now the neighbours have started to talk... "Aw-haw 25 and still not married, do you think she's one of them you know whats??" ....."A vegetarian?" ....."No you bloody fool, I mean lesbian!"

So eventually she crumbles under the pressure and decides instead of Mr Right, she'll settle for Mr Maybe, who happens to be the best of a bad bunch. She doesn't really like him that much but at least now people have stopped questioning her sexuality. They have their nikkah, which considering it's the MOST important part of the whole of the wedding process, turns out to be quite an underwhelming affair lasting about 10 minutes. So far it's all been a bit of a disappointment but never mind, they can have some kind of honeymoon next, right? Give the newly-weds a chance to spend some quality time together.... well not exactly, hubby decides to go to Jeddah for a year and leave his wife behind. So that first year... the best he can offer her is..... Skype!

So there she is, sat there, twiddling her thumbs (yes, just her thumbs) and eventually Mr Right shows up, a few months later than expected but time keeping was never his strong point. However what he lacks in time keeping he makes up for in other ways... the guy is a charmer and she realises he is the man for her.... like the song goes... Gotta be true to myself, no point in lying, know how I feel ain't no denying, when I'm in his presence I can feel my heart flying.....

So there you have it... has she been a little bit silly? You could say that..... A little immature? Sure.... Loose morals? Oh come on! If this was a trial and I was her attorney, which I'm not, cos she couldn't afford me, but if I was... I'd argue she's a victim of the system... the desi system. The system that pressurizes a person into an unsuitable marriage for fear of being left on the shelf. The system that says it's ok for a hubby to jet off to another country the moment the girl says "Qubool Hai". The system that expects her to sit there waiting for him while he's living la vida loca in.....er.....ummm.... Jeddah!!

Having said that I don't actually know the girl, maybe she's a complete doofus, maybe... maybe not.... but look at this way, at least we know she isn't a lesbian.... that's gotta count for something, right?

38

Re: sincere advice

^Thank you! That's what I am trying to say. It's a mistake anyone could make.

39

Re: sincere advice

Mistake implies lack of control and choice. And our heroine made two active decisions:

1) to get nikaah-fied. And to those who say she was pressured by society's rules and expectations - then that same society tells her she should be faithful to her husband. If she could go against society in the second situation - why not do it the first time around? Ah yes - she didn't have a better option at the time.

2) second choice was to get involved with another man. If she resisted temptations all through college even though she was hotly pursued by guys - then she could have resisted the temptation with this guy.

I keep harping on it - but it's her poor choices (not an involuntary mistake) that has caused this situation. If she's looking for advice - then it's to take her lumps and deal with the consequences. I do think she should divorce her husband, but that's for his sake. And I also think she needs to realize she's unlikely to get parental or community support for her actions. But oh well - she's in love and what a person wouldn't bear in the pursuit of love.

And as far as my comment about loose morals - say she's the mother of two and she meets Mr. Perfect - would it be okay to have an affair then? Nope. Same rules apply. End one relationship before even considering another - that's fair play.

40

sincere advice

What a tough situation to be in. It is her fault but I feel sorry for her as well. Is she very very sure her bf will marry her? If yes, maybe she can get a divorce. No point continuing with the marriage if it is going to cause problems in the future.