I have an XYZ cousin, who is very nice, educated and settled in the US. A match maker aunty has found a beautiful, educated girl who lives back in Pakistan. The only thing that disturbs the guy is that after marriage, the girl would like to come to the US. The guy feels that thats the only reason she's marrying him. What do you guys say ?
Winking!! (I would love to see the disparity in the answers)
Sorry can't give you the disparity in answers you're looking for :)
From personal experience involving family friends, I know for sure that "green-card hunting" behavior is not limited to the guys. Girls can be just as conniving and selfish. It's hard to believe, but people (girls and guys both) really do destroy their lives just so they can get a green card and then dump their spouses (or ask for a divorce) right after.
I think it's a little different if the guy or girl is already staying in the US and has studied/worked here for a few years. Then you at least know that he/she is not just a lazy bum looking to come to US/UK/Canada and expecting to be fed and pampered like a king/queen.
I think the intentions on both girl's and boy's side is not to marry and find a LIFE partner. He wants visa and she wants a premanent handsome boyfriend to hang around with. There alot alot more in a marriage than these superficial things , his looks will fade away with time then what will she do ? I think she needs to open her eyes marraige is meant to be for lifetime its not a one or two day thing , it take so much to make a marriage work. I hope they both marry each for who they are keeping aside her citizenship and his looks.
I know someone who is residing in Europe and finding a rishta for himself in Pakistan and has rejected more than a dozen girls just only based upon looks. Education , family background and all doesn't matter to him at all. Kisi larki ki height choti hoti hai , kisi ka color fair nahi hota , koi moti hoti hai to kisi ka face pasand nahi ata. I just find this so so pathetic !
Even people who do not put forward any such conditions and have deceny in their minds when looking for spouses end up marrying very wrong people. I can't imagine how marriage would be like for people who reject or select anybody on the basis of such unimportant things and features.
Is that really what it's about? Is that all they are looking for in a relationship? How incredibly disrespectful and disgusting. Man, these people are idiots and deserve the kind of unhappiness that often comes out of these marriages of convenience. Marriage is supposed to be for a LIFETIME. You are supposed to marry someone who will be your partner FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Has she even thought about this? Or does she just want to dress up and have a wedding and then a safe home to serve a man for the rest of her life?
UGH This makes me so angry. Because these are the same people that come on here and ***** and moan about how unhappy they are and expect the world to fix their problems instead of using their own brains.
UGH.
Yes that is really all it's about! She's a very dear friend and I am tired of trying to explain it to her. I can't watch a friend make such a terrible mistake and be able to do nothing but try to convince her otherwise. To her all she wants is a wedding and she is going to such desperate means to achieve that. She's only 21 and never focuses on uni or anything of that nature. I always tell her there's more to life but she doesnt seem to understand that. It's really strange I don't understand how dumb someone can actually get.
^ Do you know anyone personally who married just so that guy can STAY in country?
If yes, then how was his behavior towards his wife after marriage?
Was he a gentleman? Or did he show his true colors?
Opinions needed I personally think the guy would not be so baad … to me it only means that he is a hardworking guy. … but of course desi guys can be major couch potatoes too … people please give example of a desi guy who married to stay here for his permanent status…and his behavior after marriage.
Let’s make a case study
I don’t think anyone marries someone JUST so the other person can stay in the country. You still look at the personalities, families.. etc. My aunt married my uncle who came to the US as a student, but she didn’t do it as a charity JUST so he can stay here. They’ve been happily married for almost 20 years.
My friend just got married to a guy in a similar situation.. Too early to tell how his behavior will be towards her.. but so far he’s good.
.... "i ain't no visa or passport into a country" that's my belief--perhaps because i know too many girls who have married guys so the guys could come into the country, and at first these guys act like chocolate heros from the bollywood films, once they have their nikaah done and over with and the papers in their hand.. then they truly show themselves- like dr. jekyl and mr. hyde.... and plus the mentality is sooo much different i mean girls in the us and uk, we are independent, yet modest, we think for ourselves, and the guys some of them come with the mentality of us/uk being like pakistan inwhich women are submessive.. and when they get here- they get a total shock.. so my answer No
.... "i ain't no visa or passport into a country" that's my belief--perhaps because i know too many girls who have married guys so the guys could come into the country, and at first these guys act like chocolate heros from the bollywood films, once they have their nikaah done and over with and the papers in their hand.. then they truly show themselves- like dr. jekyl and mr. hyde.... and plus the mentality is sooo much different i mean girls in the us and uk, we are independent, yet modest, we think for ourselves, and the guys some of them come with the mentality of us/uk being like pakistan inwhich women are submessive.. and when they get here- they get a total shock.. so my answer No
Thats a gross generalization and quite demeaning remarks towards guys. If a girl marries a guy cuz he's a doc, or has a nice stable job, or that she wanna come live abroad then its perfectly alright, but God forbid if a guy wants to do that, then he's jerk. I think this is serious bias in the light of the hypothesis of equality.
I think cases differ and one should not be painting everyone with the same brush. I think between the typical controlling male in pakistan, and the extremely liberal pro-west desi females living abroad, there are other shades that exist as well.
After thinking about your question, I know of two such cases within my family. In both cases, the girls were average-to-below average looking and guys were relatively better. By average i mean, mediocre looks (one is kinda fat), so so personality and not too stellar education (one was studying to be a nurse and the other a high school grad only… both are now living it up on their hubby’s money at home :)).
First case, the guy did his MBBS in Pak, and was working at a crappy typical govt hospital job. Yet he was quite ambitious and hard working person. When a rishta opportunity came for a girl from US he went for it and came to the US. Apart from the fact that the girl was American born and bred and could get him entry there, i cant think of any other reason why he would have married her. After coming in to US, he worked at a gas station for like 3-4 years while his wife was going to nursing college; he did his exams and cleared them and today for the last 15 years is a doctor in US and has 2 children (boys). They have one of the nicest houses i have ever seen in my life (with a lake in it!)…
Second case, the guy was studying on a student visa in an average state university and after studies, couldnt find a job to keep him in US and then his parents started the process for marriage to someone who could keep him there. He ended up marrying this woman, who otherwise would not have gotten such a great looking guy as husband IMO. He too worked very hard after marriage, became a CA and is one of the richest people I know personally of. These guys too have 2 kids (both boys too… seems like some pattern here lol) …
I have interacted more with the CA guy, and he is happy to tell people that it is because of his wife that he is so successful, that she brought him the good luck in life etc… So basically what i can tell you is that in both these cases I know of, the men were quite eligible bachelors. Infact in Pak, they could have found better wives if visa issue was not important to them. If you looked at their wedding photos, you would probably question the match and still looking at them together makes me wonder how those guys could do so much better. And these girls found husbands which were certainly beyond their reach normally. Both started off as quite normal couples, working hard to feed themselves and to pay their bills, but through their hardwork together reached great heights.
Then I know of a few more cases, where people married women just and i mean just to get green cards to stay in US.. like not even Pakistani girls, just anyone who would agree to sponsor them and they would pay them money or live with them for a few years etc.. and there lives are really living hell…
So, it really depends on your friend’s circumstance. You have really and objectively look at yourself first, that if she could do better than what is on the table for her, if the guy is actually interested in a family and green card thing is just an icing on the cake; if the guy has any potential to be successful and that by marriage they truly mean marriage and not just a convenience… and if yes, then she should go for it… afterall only 1 in 25 arranged marriages end up in divorce (simpsons lol)
Ok, so the guy IS already here so you have no surefire way of knowing he is marrying her for the visa chakkar?
Anyhow when my husband and i got married, he was on work visa (H1, the kind you get after the student visa). He has had his green card for two years now and Alhamdulillah i am very happy with him. We also have a little daughter now.
BIL was also on H1 when he married my sister and Alhamdulillah they are happy as ever.
Initially, i was also against marrying anyone who didnt have the "status" since i wouldnt know why they were marrying me. But I am glad i didnt let go of hub's rishta because of this notion, since he is the best i could ask for, Alhamdulillah.
Anyway, her aunt finally found an educated guy whom she can marry. The thing is, the guy needs papers to stay in the states since his student visa is about to expire.
If hes educated and has a student visa, there are TONNES of opportunities in the US to stay here if you're skilled, LEGALLY for this is the land of opportunity and you get to make loads of money in the process too BASED ON YOUR EDUCATION.
Since it appears he needs to marry someone to stay here, it looks like either he messed up somewhere or isn't that 'educated' to begin with.
Ok, so the guy IS already here so you have no surefire way of knowing he is marrying her for the visa chakkar?
Anyhow when my husband and i got married, he was on work visa (H1, the kind you get after the student visa). He has had his green card for two years now and Alhamdulillah i am very happy with him. We also have a little daughter now.
BIL was also on H1 when he married my sister and Alhamdulillah they are happy as ever.
Initially, i was also against marrying anyone who didnt have the "status" since i wouldnt know why they were marrying me. But I am glad i didnt let go of hub's rishta because of this notion, since he is the best i could ask for, Alhamdulillah.
I am glad it worked out for you but one thing, H1 is a perfectly legal 'status' and you can get a 'green card' after H1 through employment too.
Out of status or dont have the status implies people who have willful immigration violations. For them, marriage is prolly the only way to stay in the country.
Sorry if this is off topic, but is it just me or is this post a little offensive?
Nursing is a truly noble choice of profession and only the ones who really have it in them to work hard in school and continue to work hard in their careers can be successful as nurses
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Seriously? Hubby’s money? Marriage is a two-way relationship. Hubby wouldn’t have had any money if it weren’t for a good wife, regardless of visa status! So how is it not the wife’s money as well?
Better wives? You mean better looking wives. There’s a very big difference. And I’m pretty sure they found extremely good wives, since (as you said) they’ve been happily married for many years, and are living successful lives!
No I’m not a nurse, nor am I “average looking” and looking to mooch off my husband’s money.
Ok I’m done. / rant]
I thought I would finally ask this. I have a friend that is being very desperate to get married. I don't know why but anyway. The funny part is she's only 21 years old. Anyway, her aunt finally found an educated guy whom she can marry. The thing is, the guy needs papers to stay in the states since his student visa is about to expire. I feel it's wrong if that's the only reason but you can never be sure. I often see people in Pakistan marrying people abroad just so they can also go abroad. How do you guys feel about that? Would you marry a guy/girl knowing they're only doing it so they can come to the states/europe/ etc. ?
The answer to your question is no. There needs to be some chemistry and compatibility between you and your partner to be. You cannot just become a passport for someone else if there is no substance in the relationship.
Yes that is really all it's about! She's a very dear friend and I am tired of trying to explain it to her. I can't watch a friend make such a terrible mistake and be able to do nothing but try to convince her otherwise. To her all she wants is a wedding and she is going to such desperate means to achieve that. She's only 21 and never focuses on uni or anything of that nature. I always tell her there's more to life but she doesnt seem to understand that. It's really strange I don't understand how dumb someone can actually get.
then just wait till she has a kid and her beautiful hubby is too busy to talk to her... see what happens then. She'll realise then and regret the decision she has made...
pathetic really... i just cannot understand how people get into this kinda stuff. Do they really not know what marriage is about? Is is just a big fancy shancy party... an attention seeking scheme? what is it?
these kids need to be shown what a marriage is really like before they jump onto that road... there really ought to be a marriage school or something for idiots like these
Sorry if this is off topic, but is it just me or is this post a little offensive?
Nursing is a truly noble choice of profession and only the ones who really have it in them to work hard in school and continue to work hard in their careers can be successful as nurses
.
True, in western countries, nurses have a very successful career but really i was talking from Pakistani perspective.... how many people in Pak (in our circles atleast as middle class educated tabqa) like their children to become nurses..?
Seriously? Hubby's money? Marriage is a two-way relationship. Hubby wouldn't have had any money if it weren't for a good wife, regardless of visa status! So how is it not the wife's money as well?
.
Eventually ofcourse it becomes theirs but you get my point... the money that their husbands go out and earn for their wives to spend... lol
Better wives? You mean better looking wives. There's a very big difference. And I'm pretty sure they found extremely good wives, since (as you said) they've been happily married for many years, and are living successful lives!
By better, again look at it from Pakistani rishta aunties perspective... good looks, good family, social status, education, etc. etc... But again thats from outsiders looking in... like saying wow this guy could have done much better than his wife and all... but like i said, they seem to be doing very well and happy with each other.
i just wanted to make a point from what i know within my family to OP, that some really good marriages have gone through for the girls who had US citizenship and who most likely would not have had chances with guys like that otherwise. No offense to anyone!
True, in western countries, nurses have a very successful career but really i was talking from Pakistani perspective.... how many people in Pak (in our circles atleast as middle class educated tabqa) like their children to become nurses..?
Eventually ofcourse it becomes theirs but you get my point... the money that their husbands go out and earn for their wives to spend... lol
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** By better, again look at it from Pakistani rishta aunties perspective... **good looks, good family, social status, education, etc. etc... But again thats from outsiders looking in... like saying wow this guy could have done much better than his wife and all... but like i said, they seem to be doing very well and happy with each other.
i just wanted to make a point from what i know within my family to OP, that some really good marriages have gone through for the girls who had US citizenship and who most likely would not have had chances with guys like that otherwise. No offense to anyone!
So are you a rishta aunty?
Just because hta'ts how "others" perceive it , it doesn't mean you should, unless tha'ts how you believe.
by constantly emphasizing on their lack of (in your books) looks and lack of education (seriously, a nurse is equivalent of a HS-dropout?) , you are reducing the value of these women.
Seriously, who in the world are you to say that someone can do better, just by looking at them?
True, in western countries, nurses have a very successful career but really i was talking from Pakistani perspective.... how many people in Pak (in our circles atleast as middle class educated tabqa) like their children to become nurses..?
Eventually ofcourse it becomes theirs but you get my point... the money that their husbands go out and earn for their wives to spend... lol
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By better, again look at it from Pakistani rishta aunties perspective... good looks, good family, social status, education, etc. etc... But again thats from outsiders looking in... like saying wow this guy could have done much better than his wife and all... but like i said, they seem to be doing very well and happy with each other.
i just wanted to make a point from what i know within my family to OP, that some really good marriages have gone through for the girls who had US citizenship and who most likely would not have had chances with guys like that otherwise. No offense to anyone!
You do know that these matches are made in heaven right? And those girls/guys were gonna end up together no matter what. Allah (SWT) is responsible for these things, and it's definitely not because someone was or wasn't a citizen
I personally think the guy would not be so baad … to me it only means that he is a hardworking guy. … but of course desi guys can be major couch potatoes too 
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