Is showing feelings for your husband/wife seen as a “bad” thing in Pakistan?
I mean my brother in law got married a few months ago. He got married to his cousin. I heard my eldest SIL and my MIL telling my husband that they shouldn’t had let their son get married that’s he is still a child etc etc he is 25 years old.
I asked my husband why what happened? he told me that his mom told him that she the new bhabi is always holding my BIL hand when they sit together and are always running after him etc etc.
And MIL didn’t knew that she was that kind of girl. She thought she was religious. And that if they have know they would never had married their son to him.
I mean come on they are newly wed at that time they only been married for one month. They live in a joint family system.
Why is this mentality so surprising? There is a large group of South Asians that do not handle display of physical affection very well. Heck we fast forward the kissing scenes while watching PG 13 movies. Some families are just not cool with that and translate that as inappropriate for social settings especially those of involving immediate or extended families.
They don't need to do that in front of the family members, they can go out somewhere together privately and hold hands. There should be respect for the Pakistani traditions and other family members.
1) They're young-ish. Old enough for marriage, but still not old enough to be "haww hayeee-ing" at people holding hands.
2) They're newly married. Honeymoon stage doesn't last for ever. And even if it did, why is it anyone else's business.
3) Someone already said it, but I'll reiterate - It's Sunnah to show affection to your hubby.
and lastly, 4) They're holding hands and she's following him around. It's not like they're having a full on make out sesh in front of fam.
OP, to answer your question, someone somewhere always has something negative to say about a positive situation.
Wait there is much more just found out after I wrote this that she doesn't want to visit her parents every weekend and stay over. My MIL wants her to stay over every weekend at her parents home. The new bride want to spend time with her husband and my MIL can't understand it.
I don't want to get involve but I feel so sorry for the new girl. I mean she is 19 years old so she still has to learn a lot of stuff. Moving into a joint family isn't easy I suppose. As far as I heard my MIL doesn't have any other problem with her or maybe she has I just don't know about.
It made me thinking if my MIL can be like this with her niece then how would she be with me since I am an outsider. It's scares the hell out of me.
Like I said, someone’s always going to turn something good into something it’s not and depict it as something bad.
Khair, now that I know she’s 19, I’m going to confirm the “they’re young and enjoying the honey moon stage.”
I’d say let your MIL do and say what she wants, don’t bother trying to change her thinking.
But maybe mention to the new bride - Not the details, but explain how public display of affection isn’t much appreciated in the family.
LOL jeez, you’d think a mother would be happy someone loves her son.
I think you are right I will just talk to her and tell her not to do that infront of them. It just funny that my MIL keeps calling her son a child when he is 25 and the bride is 19 but she is the bad one not her son
The words, respect for desi tradition, were shared.
In response I must add a counterpoint and that is desi tradition can go to hell.
Culture evolves, I can bet the buddhi Mai is not living the same way her great great grand phuppi lived generations ago, so what's this with desi traditions as some sort of divine commandments?
Ps: if the buddhi is living in exactly the same way with exactly the same traditions as her great great grand phuppi, then there are bigger problems and the couple should get the hell out of that museum ASAP.
Here is a little story which I think applies to traditions as well
5 monkeys were put in a room, there was a ladder and a banana at the top of the ladder, when a monkey tried to climb up the ladder, all monkeys got blasted with ice cold or burning hot water..
So no monkey would attempt to go for the banana. If a monkey even went towards the ladder, the other monkeys would beat the crap out of it.
One of the monkeys was taken out and a new monkey sent in its place..that monkey sits around and then sees the banana, as it tries to go for the banana, the 4 original monkeys beat the crap out of it. So he stops...then another original group monkey is taken out and a new monkey sent in, as he goes for the banana, the 3 original and the one newer monkey beat it up..
One by one the rest of the original monkeys are removed and new monkeys sent in their place...
In the end, there are 5 monkeys who have never been blasted with water, but 'know' that if a monkey goes towards the ladder that he must be beaten.
And that is tradition, including desi tradition in a nutshell...I mean banana peel.
I dont think the couple is doing anything wrong, but when you know that such display is against the cultural norm and avoiding it does not adversely affect their relationship then i think its best to avoid it. Why create trouble when avoiding it doesn't hurt?
Who is creating trouble? they are not. them holding hands has no physical impact on anyone. This buddhi chooses to be offended by it, not just by holding hands but about why the girl has not gone to her parents for the weekend? That is preposterous. Holding hands makes the girl non religious, following her husband makes her non religious, and not going to her parents home makes her non religious? Wonder which fiqh book is on repeat play at that household.
One cultural norm had separate social areas for men and women, another observes strict Mehram viewpoint and beyond...and girls can't be in front of even the brother or father in law without being in full hijab or niqab. Other norms included even children upon reaching puberty could not be just chilling around mother or father (for guys and girls respectively)
Culture evolves, norms are temporary, and traditions are well, banana peels.
In a home accommodation has to be made by all sides, the couple are adults. It is not solely there responsibility to adhere to what the guys mother is okay with, she has to at least meet them halfway.
Somewhere someone is going to mix norms and tradition and religion, and voila we get even more confusing crap.
People justify all kinds of stupid stuff as tradition and norms and even get supporting evidence by twisting religion. Of course when you counter them with religion they go ape Shyte.
^ i clearly mentioned in my post that i dont think they're doing anything wrong... i do not agree with the MIL's complaints. If anything, she should reprimand her son about these "issues" rather then blame it on the DIL.
All i'm saying is that not holding hands doesn't hurt the couple, but is clearly annoying the MIL so i personally believe its wiser when living in such a joint family system to avoid it. They can hold hands when together and MIL isn't around... koi intni baRhi qurbaani nahi deni paRh rahi hai.
I'd never hold my husband's hands if we're out at Hydri but wouldn't think twice if we're at Zamzama :)
You want to evolve to shamelessness and vulgarity. You cannot remove our thousands of years of culture. No shame no respect, how you refer to your elders calling her ‘buddhi’. Evolvement means open public displays of affection and will soon evolve into open shamelessness. Just like animals, then there is no difference. If you go to Pakistan and speak like this and openly say these things you watch what will happen to you. We will not let our millions of years of culture to change because of a few shameless rude people. Then qayamt will come when you try to make excuses to bring vulgarity and shamelessness into our culture and society. Allah will punish these people soon. Be afraid of Allah, be afraid what you speak.
