Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

Lifestyle Relationships
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I haven’t posted for a while - but wanted to get some different perspectives on a conversation I had this morning.

Bit of a background, I’m a 30 + British born Pakistani girl. Have a BSc, and alhumdulillah a good job… and I am still single.

A cousin of mine has approached me about a rishta in a city around 1.5 - 2 hours away from London (which is where I live), not ideal, but I said there was no harm in having a look.

My cousins family are strict, wear hijaab and don’t wear Western clothes. I myself have never worn hijaab, I wear what I want, but do dress modestly. I’m not overly religious, I’ve done Hajj and a few Umrahs, fast, but don’t pray consistently.

I told her that if this guy wanted someone who wears hijaab then tell him that I don’t and that there’s no point in pursuing this.

The response I got from her got me thinking, she said to me that she was disappointed that a sensible girl like me would think like that and would I reject a good rishta for something like that? I said yes, I would.

Am I wrong in thinking like this? I know Islamically I should be covering my hair, but I just don’t want to.

But is it fair for people to assume that I should do something because husband wants me to? Should he not accept me as I am? And is it fair for people to think I am being too fussy by not giving in and doing this? And because I am of a certain age, should I be expected to accept a “good rishta” even though he is asking me do something I absolutely do not want to do.

I just wanted to know what you all thought. Please don’t quote Quran and Hadith - because I am not denying that as a Muslim I should be covering my hair.

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

Exactly what is the issue here?

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

Salaam,

Why don't you want to wear a hijab?

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

I just don't want to - simple as that

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

There is no issue - I just wanted to ask the question, should girls change themselves in order to get married?

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

Aliyahali , i totally understand you. I do not think you should change just to marry because if you change you may resent the changes you've had to make which can prove bad for a marriage. If you're not ready for something you shouldn't force yourself. There are probably lots of boys who match you but maybe they won't be of same race.

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

Yes. Why not? Marriage is all about changing and compromising but you shouldn't be the only one changing. It should be him to.

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

No you shouldn't change yourself because then you won't be true to yourself. If you are not true to yourself how will you reach your full potential and contribute to society in the way you want. As for age and marriage i don't think 30 is old and i believe there are still good rishtas out there. Does age and race matter to you? Would you be ok if the guy was a white convert or something? I think a lot more desi guys are open minded as well and a lot have liberal beliefs so things like age might not matter as much

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

I thought marriage was about finding someone compatible (emotionally, religiously etc), someone who understands you, someone you can evolve and grow old with. Compromise might be a part of it but i don't think it defines marriage. In this case it seems only the girl is changing. Aren't internal qualities more important than external qualities?

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

aliyah: There is nothing wrong with your thinking. A happy, successful marriage isn’t just about finding a “good” rishta. Its not about focusing on what looks good on paper (ie. his stats). Its about finding a person whose personality, religious beliefs, future goals, values etc. are compatible with your own. Whether or not doing something different for a spouse is referred to as a “change” or “compromise” doesn’t matter. At the end, if you already know that you’re not comfortable doing it…then there’s not point in discussing it further. And as a woman, I don’t think practicing hijab…especially if you live in a Western country and are used to wearing Western clothing…is a small compromise. It’s a big change on a daily basis and it’s something that YOU need to feel comfortable doing.

BTW, another member posted about this exact issue not too long ago. You may want to take a peek at that thread too. http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/621347-hijab-after-marriage.html

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

What's fair got to do with it? Change or don't, your choice. They'll accept you or they won't, their choice.

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

No nothing wrong with wanting to find someone compatible with your values…and no, not wearing hijab doesn’t make you have any less values.. :rolleyes:

If that rishta is so great, they should go for it (if they’re single)…

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

well not so long ago, even i was hesitant. let me give u the background, my to be ( we r engaged) is a quran haafiz mA se. Prays occasionally, wanted a wife who practiced covering. I on the other hand, seldom wear desi clothes let alone cover. when he approached, i told him how i feel about it. His response was, "It should come naturally, if u feel u can do it...do else its ur choice... i dun want to be forceful...marriage completes half ur deen. We have to support and compromise with each other. Few things i learn from and few u learn from me."

Till date, he has never forced me for anything, Alhumdulillah ! So it all comes down to understanding. if u think u can do it just because ur other half wants to...do it... else voice out ! See want response you get. :)

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

What I don't get is if you're looking for a hijabi, then why not just look at women who are already wearing hijab? Why go for women who aren't wearing it?

Like, if I wanted a guy who is educated, I wouldn't be even looking at rishtas from dudes who work at gas stations and think it a waste of time to go to college.

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

u can do hijaab for yourself , matlab do it for islam if u want to

i even don’t like it :reason: i saw many girls wearing hijaab doing wrong,

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

koi ni..in a couple of years you might change your mind about changing yourself.....who knows.

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

The answer to your question depends on how important marriage is to you now and how big an issue you make of it.

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

^ If you start wearing hijab to fulfill the prerequisite for a particular rishta so the guy will marry you, with all due respect, you're not doing it because you want to, and you're not doing it for God. No matter how anyone tries to fool themselves.

And KNOWING THIS LOGIC, these guys and their families STILL expect you to wear it out of durress.

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I quit smoking in order to marry my wife. Good or bad is just a perspective, but it was a huge change for me. I was smoking two packets in three days. Not to mention the change my wife brought in her for me, but that is a different story.

I made that change because to marry a wonderful person like my wife, that change was a no brainer. I knew guys who grew beard because the girl wanted it.

Guys please, put your ego aside. Just like good girls, good guys are also quite rare. Dont deny a good rishta because of something as small as Hijab.

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Re: Should we change ourselves to find a husband?

NO, a big fat NO for changing yourself in order to get married...if the change is for better for your own good then do try to change yourself. i think one must strive to get better all the time and we all do everyday...i am better today than i was yesterday, you are better today than you were a day before...it's a continuous process. change for the better is always welcomed.