Okay I have been on rishta hunt for about two and a half years now; I mean my parents have been on it of course :o
I just turned 23. I got engaged when I was 21 and a 1/2. That engagement did not last long. It was arranged and sort of within family. My parents did not worry too much about the itsy bitsy details at the time of engagement since it was the first proposal that they really liked and every thing looked fine and there was no risk factor apparently since they were almost like family. I am the eldest so this was our first such experience too. Then things went downhill, because they weren’t exactly what they posed to be initially. And after much thought, deliberation and attempts of making the situation better, my parents thought they cannot compromise their daughter’s happiness and broke it off. I was okay with it, because from the first day I had it in mind that I should keep myself on the safe side and not get too involved so early on into the relationship. I am just cautious like that which helped and they didn’t have to worry about me suffering emotionally or anything.
Since then my parents have done everything and anything to find me the best possible match. The truth is, we have become extra-cautious since that first experience… and even though, Alhamdulillah, I’ve gotten many good proposals even after all that, we haven’t managed to say yes to any. I won’t say we’re too picky but a little too cautious - yes, may be. I get a feeling that mom and dad still blame themselves for making a huge mistake the first time, and now they want to make sure they give me the best. I hate it. I just want to get it over with so they can just relax. This pressure is always on me. It’s a dilemma. To also find someone I like and to get it over with as soon as possible. Every time I think this is it… something turns up, like the family’s great but the guy wants a housewife, or he’s too liberal, or the mother indirectly asked for a car etc. etc. And these are always major things on my list otherwise I am always ready to compromise on the little things.
Now I have this one proposal. My parents love it. I… well… I am not sure about it. The guy seems okay after our first conversation. Most of my requirements are ticked except I won’t be able to wear heels. I think what’s holding me back is that there was nothing that made me feel… okay this is it or I really like it, after our first, very formal conversation. And I do not think I am too good! Just thinking on the lines that it’s a decision that’s going to change my life and affect the other person just as much, so I should make the best possible judgment. I guess I’m just scared. Am I over-thinking it? People get married everyday… so should I just take a chance and leave the rest to Allah (SWT)… I am not getting any younger and what’s the guarantee that I’ll get something better in future… What would you suggest…? What would be the positive-thinking or approach in this situation?
Pakwoman’s first-ever very personal rant over :sid:
Talk to the guy. If you feel he is reasonable and level headed then fair enough you can get an idea of his values, beliefs and behaviour.
Open up with any reservations you may or may not have about married life, career, expectations, anime, etc. Just so you know his side of the discussion.
What exactly would make you go 'He is the one!'? I mean what exactly is a sign you're expecting?
Sometimes if you like a person, a period of time with them allows feelings to develop and mature. You grow as two individuals in a shared reality.
If you still think you don't see yourself with that guy down the line, exercise your will.
You're a spiritual person, why not perform Istikhara on the compatibility of the prospective couple and both families? Some people do it.
Now as far as the situation about your parents becoming over-cautions I think that's a good thing because it gives you more independence to exercise your wishes. You can make a call because well, they made theirs and so you can too. I think that should be convention anyways but yeah.
if the only thing thats not ticked is heels, then I think you probably know the answer yourself
on a side note, you are just 23 and you have courageously put your nick as a woman whereas many females will consider themselves girls even after turning 30+
Talk to the guy. If you feel he is reasonable and level headed then fair enough you can get an idea of his values, beliefs and behaviour.
Open up with any reservations you may or may not have about married life, career, expectations, anime, etc. Just so you know his side of the discussion.
What exactly would make you go 'He is the one!'? I mean what exactly is a sign you're expecting?
Sometimes if you like a person, a period of time with them allows feelings to develop and mature. You grow as two individuals in a shared reality.
If you still think you don't see yourself with that guy down the line, exercise your will.
You're a spiritual person, why not perform Istikhara on the compatibility of the prospective couple and both families? Some people do it.
Now as far as the situation about your parents becoming over-cautions I think that's a good thing because it gives you more independence to exercise your wishes. You can make a call because well, they made theirs and so you can too. I think that should be convention anyways but yeah.
Eitherway you'll figure out a way, good luck!
all sane suggestions. But considering her previous experience, a time will come when she will have to take a leap of faith anyway.
I mean i trust my instincts in such situations and move forward according to how I feel about things… but I guess it’s too early to start figuring out how I feel after just one sitting…
lol I actually forgot to discuss anime.
I did have a say in the first decision as well, basing it on whatever my parents think is best for me… so it wasn’t their fault. They were as fooled as I was.
Istikhara… I will definitely try it InshAllah.
23 for a girl in expats is not too old to get married. You still have 2 more years to wait for that prince charming you are looking for. And no I am not taunting I am serious. If your heart is not into this rishta , please do not feel pressured and accept it and regret later. If you decide to go for it then make sure that you do not regret it ever again.
It’s ok yar, not everyone or should i say most don’t feel the sparks in order to say yes to a rishta. If everything else seems fine i don’t see any serious issue here. But i am not liking and am quite worried why you would call him just “ok” if everything is fine :khums: Maybe there is something that is not fine? Look into that/ Maybe that’s the reason for your feeling this way. Maybe there is no physical attraction .
Most of my requirements are ticked except I won't be able to wear heels. I think what’s holding me back is that there was nothing that made me feel… okay this is it or I really like it, after our first, very formal conversation
heels proper place after marriage is husband's head and wife feet anyway- so not much lost there.
If guy left with the impression of being shareef and well groomed after first formal meeting, thats all you should look at. Feelings are not black & white, there is lot of gray area b/w. Feelings are developed over time with continuous interaction.
I struggle with this answer. All of us hope that our potential mate is shareef and most people we come across genuinely are shareef, but shouldn’t there be something **more **that makes one rishta more acceptable than another? Times are changing and it’s no longer a matter of zindagi guzarnay waali baat, most people want to enjoy their lives with their partner. What if the guy is shareef and yet they have nothing in common from a personality perspective?
I dunno, it just makes me think that if sharafat was the only thing we’re looking for, then most guys and girls are interchangeable and kisi ki shaadi kisi sai bhi ho sakti hai :hinna:
I think what’s holding me back is that there was nothing that made me feel… okay this is it or I really like it, after our first, very formal conversation. And I do not think I am too good! Just thinking on the lines that it’s a decision that’s going to change my life and affect the other person just as much, so I should make the best possible judgment. I guess I’m just scared. Am I over-thinking it? People get married everyday… so should I just take a chance and leave the rest to Allah (SWT)… I am not getting any younger and what’s the guarantee that I’ll get something better in future… What would you suggest…? What would be the positive-thinking or approach in this situation?
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and its more than obvious too that whatever is said in reply to that comment is also humor