my sister had a rishta from a family where the guy is in the process of sealing the deal on a job. Obviously, my parents wanted to wait till the guy for sure had a job because my sister’s in school still (and is ADAMANT that the guy’s family not be supporting them through marriage) so when the guy’s family called to invite us over to their place to “check them out” my dad told them that. He mentioned that he can’t say anything until June/July when the guy’s job is figured out and my sister’s academic plans are more clear and that it makes no sense for us to visit with them until that time as they live in a different country and we’d just be talking about a bunch of hypotheticals at this point. The guy’s side said that was fine , that they weren’t looking for a commitment yet but they understood what we were saying.
Well…now they’ve vanished. It’s been a few months and we’ve heard nothing from any of them. They tended to call on Eid and stuff but this past bakra Eid there was nothing from them and my sister’s had no correspondence with the guy/his family either (they had been communicating fairly regularly).
There wasn’t really any “bad blood” or anything rude said. One second, things were going well, and an hour (and phone call) later, it seemed like it…ended.
Anyways, is this normal behavior? Is it possible that they would be coming back in the summer once things are more finalized? Are they just biding their time because the boy hasn’t secured a job?
My sister DID mention to us that when she talked with the guy, he mentioned “ending” things because it’s too much pressure on him and her to land jobs ASAP.
I keep thinking that it’s probably too weird for them to randomly re-appear at this point and ask again. But my sister/family are hopeful that they just want to wait till the boy has a job so that my dad can’t say no again.
Any ideas? Thank you. =) This has been a cause of a lot of stress at my house so please answer seriously.
Your parents had put in a condition for further talks, so yes, they are probably waiting till their son has a job secured. But then again, since there never has been any commitment from either side, they dont owe you guys a call, even if the guy gets a job. Its not like your sister was engaged.
It was a bit premature to make such demands about landing a job. It probably didn't look right to the family and they got scared.
You have to understand...your sister is still in school. Its not like she is done and making six figures. Most guys are starting their career when they get married or have just started. Him getting a job and keeping it is strictly between husband and wife. They need to talk it out...its not something your parents can dictate.
Also, if the tables were turned...you guys would be pretty offended.
Well the guy mentioned that he didn't want to rely on his parents for $$ and didn't want my parents helping out with $$ either so my family (and sister) were confused as to what he was planning on doing considering he's a student and is relying on his parents right now too. The guy is actually still in school too, last year, in an industry that's pretty competitive to get a job in. My sister's done with her undergraduate studies and is iA starting medical school in the Fall.
His family was being really wishy-washy about her med school plans so my parents wanted things to proceed when my sister had gotten in (which she has now) and when the guy had a job so that there would be concrete plans on both sides and no more "what if this happens" "what if that happens" in the picture.
When my sister talked to him last, he mentioned that it was a matter of "when" not a matter of "if" he gets a job but that he understands, and shares, my parents' concern that he doesn't have any means of supporting himself, let alone a wife/family.
But I get what you're saying. I hope that isn't the case because that wasn't my parents' intentions at all. :(
It was a bit premature to make such demands about landing a job. It probably didn't look right to the family and they got scared.
You have to understand...your sister is still in school. Its not like she is done and making six figures. Most guys are starting their career when they get married or have just started. Him getting a job and keeping it is strictly between husband and wife. They need to talk it out...its not something your parents can dictate.
Also, if the tables were turned...you guys would be pretty offended.
It's also premature for the guy's family to be looking for a girl before his job is secured. I bet they wouldn't hand their daughter to some family where the guy's job situation is uncertain. That's just stupid.
This may seem off topic but op mentioned med school, I've seen my fair share of Pakistani women become doctors only to quit after a year or two in practice/residence as they get married and bogged down with kids. Is it a wise investment if you plan to have a family and take care of your kids? I don't mean to offend anyone either just looking for insight. Also another factor is most people complete med school by age 27-31 (that's the north American statistic) and most of my friends who get rishtas aim for the 21-24 range, kinda makes it harder to find a rishta in the end as most guys don't want to be over shadowed by their wives. Please give me your take on this.
Misinterpretation, I know you were thinking of your sisters well being but it may have come across as offensive especially the don't contact us until your son has a job. These relationships are built on sand so a shove here or there and the whole castle collapses.
If the guy or guy's family has been remotely interested to continue the rishta, they would have kept in touch with your family. Their not keeping in contact means they are not interested. Once the guy gets a good job, and when he decides to marry, if he at that time thinks about your sister, they might come back to you. But right now, they are not thinking about this rishta.
Keeping in touch is very important in arranged rishta setting. Lack of regular contact means the party is not that interested.
The girls family asked them to keep contact to a minimum Ashy
If the guy or guy's family has been remotely interested to continue the rishta, they would have kept in touch with your family. Their not keeping in contact means they are not interested. Once the guy gets a good job, and when he decides to marry, if he at that time thinks about your sister, they might come back to you. But right now, they are not thinking about this rishta.
Keeping in touch is very important in arranged rishta setting. Lack of regular contact means the party is not that interested.
minimum contact doesnt mean that they cant call on Eid or whatsoever. I THINK that they may be uninterested as essentially, no commitment was made by any side. Just wait for the guy's side to make contact again, or get sis rishta with someone else after asking arnd what happened to the other dude. :)
The girls family asked them to keep contact to a minimum Ashy
Girl's family's request for minimum contact shouldn't prohibit guy's families to make the contact if they were really serious. I have seen guy's families to continue the contact anyway irrespective of the girls families instructions if they were really interested, until the time the girl's side have clearly said NO.
Besides, in this case, the guy could have been in touch with OP's sis.
If you like the guy and family, why would you cut off talks just because he doesn't have a job yet? I can understand waiting for the actual wedding, but to completely cut off the rishta doesn't make any sense. Since you weren't ready to make a commitment, I don't think you should expect them to have made a commitment. Maybe they're checking out other options.
If it was totally arranged setup than it could be that the guy probably found someone else probably through his parents (arranged) or someone on his own. The thing is with all this marriage thing, its hard to put conditions on stuff and then expect other people to wait for months. If the guy felt that he was ready to get married right at this point, with or without job, he may have found someone who had no issues with it. In any case, I think if the guy's family or the guy was still interested in your sister, they would've stayed in touch.
^ It's not just about timing. It really says we don't care that you are a good person with a lot of potential. We are looking for a rich care-taker for our daughter.
^ It's not just about timing. It really says we don't care that you are a good person with a lot of potential. We are looking for a rich care-taker for our daughter.
I disagree. They were probably thinking: "Mundiya get a job before you start looking for a voti". It's not about "rich" caretaker but about financial security which every parent wants for his/her child. I'd like to know how he planned on making a marriage work, live off of loans/parents til he's settled?
^Like I said, I wouldn't expect them to want the wedding before he had the job. But they are unwilling to commit or even continue talks, but surprised that they aren't hearing from him. Why should he hang about if he's not good enough?
^ This :k:. As soon as i read the above post i wanted to reply the same that you did. It’s unfortunate that we ourself give in to such stupid ideas and then at the end we cry about unequality.
Although it may not be the right thing but some parents are okay with their sons getting married before finding a decent job.... Sometimes they think he'll find a job but for now we are okay with supporting him. Point is, they did what they thought worked for them and didn't want to wait for someone when it wasn't maybe working for them. So lets move on!!! :DEveryone has a right to say no, doesn't matter if you agree with their reasoning or not.
