Should she get over it?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Should she get over it?

yeh, I was thinking they'd call on Eid. At the very least. Or the guy would keep some contact with my sister.

We didn't tell them no. My dad just said that we're dealing with lot of hypotheticals atm considering my sister had applied everywhere for med school (and there was no guarantees that she was gonna get in anywhere) and that the boy had no job and was out of the country for school. The guy had been concerned with the long distance marriage situation tht could arise if they got jobs/admission in 2 different places AND my parents/sister didn't understand how the guy expected to support both of them (he agreed to do this) considering he wanted my sister to focus on med school (ie: not work) and he didn't want my parents/his parents to support them either. My parents were open to talking but HIS side wanted a commitment in the form of enggement/nikkah and my family wanted to hold off on that until a) the academic/job situation panned out b) they gave us more info on their family and whatnot. My dad had asked them to provide info on their family or rishtaydaar in Pak so we figured that until June/July we could figure tht out and then commit as soon as he got a job/my sister found out where she got in.

22

Re: Should she get over it?

^Then I think it's for the best that you guys forget about him. Obviously they didn't feel they could meet your expectations, and if they can't, why bother pursuing them.

23

Re: Should she get over it?

Yeah well it is what it is you know. I kinda understand both sides.

However maybe the guy was just kinda scared , even if he got a good job, who knows when a company begins going into down size mode. Right now no one is sure if the economy is going up or down, or what.

I know some good smart people from college right here in America, Engineers, law school kids etc..who can't get jobs in their field cause the economy just sucks so bad, some have even had to move back home. Just how things are today, way different from when our parents were in school.

24

Re: Should she get over it?

^yup.

25

Re: Should she get over it?

Red flag. A family who's in a rush to secure a commitment - especially when their son isn't financially independent - sounds shady. You'd think they were picking out a new futon, not considering a life-long decision. They're not showing much sensitivity to the valid concerns of a potential wife and her father, either.

I was going to ask whether your sister sees any value in communicating with a guy to explore compatibility/attraction outside of his professional status, but that doesn't seem to be a priority to him, even if it was to her. They're treating this marriage business like most desis - a sterile transaction based on aligning people on paper.

[QUOTE]
the guy, he mentioned "ending" things because it's too much pressure on him and her to land jobs ASAP.
[/QUOTE]

Yes, too much pressure yaar. Being a man is so unfairly stressful. Who knew marriage entailed more than sunsets and sekshual adventures.

ps. If you're still wondering, no they're not interested. They may just be shopping around for an MD DIL who's willing to sleep with and play wifey to their son without asking for a stable home in return.
Your sister should "get over it," yes (though it's unclear what there is to 'get over' since this doesn't sound like a 'relationship').

26

Re: Should she get over it?

I agree with you. I was just wondering.

Well my sister and the guy had been talking for a while so the attraction WAS there. my parents just wanted the job thing to be cleared up and it seemed like EVERYONE was on the same page with that when it was mentioned. Like I said, even the guy was really emphasizing that he understands my parents' concerns and that he doesn't want to bring a wife into the picture and have his parents support both of them. I think my parents wanted to put the brakes on it a little bit because things started moving too fast, considering the "unknowns" in terms of career and stuff and because we wanted more time to find info on the family.

I totally know what you mean about it not being a relationship, but I think my sister got kind of caught up in the sweet talking and communication. Obviously, she doesn't share every intimate detail about their convo, but I think their regular contact over the course of a while is making it a little harder to just brush it off--especially because there seemed to be pretty good understanding until all the communication broke down. I've been trying to talk to her and snap her out of it and it seems like she was over it for the most part until a few weeks ago when we both randomly started getting fb friend requests from this guy's cousins (8 months later) and now almost every week some new fake profile adds her and messages her asking if she "got into med school yet".

27

Re: Should she get over it?

It is really expensive to go to school in Pakistan, especially if you are attending private school, guy must be thinking that he/they may have to pay for your sis education. Have you or your family/friend try to send a message to them to ask if they are still interested. If not, please do just for your sister that if this is over and also I would send a message that your parents will pay for the med school as well. see what happened. If they don't respond, try to get over it, I know it is very easy for me to say but for your sister it may be monumental task, first time ever she talk to this male ..

Guy sending FB invites, I guess he wants to see if she is interested and may make a fool of ur sister thinking he is still interested. He just wants "friendship", so your sister may get hurt again.

28

Re: Should she get over it?

There is no problem in getting your parents call the guy's parents to have the final answer from them. If you all are interested in the proposal, there is nothing wrong in approaching the guy's family since they had shown their interest before and there is nothing wrong in asking whether they would like to proceed or not. If you don't contact them, your sister might have a regret later and she will keep on thinking about the possibilities of the rishta proceeding if your parents could have contacted them.

But your parents should be ready to proceed with the rishta if they contact the guy's family since the guy's family might want to grab the opportunity to ask for the commitment. Its better to have peace of mind by having a proper YES or NO from the guy's family and then your sister can finally move on without any regrets.

29

Re: Should she get over it?

we're in the US btw. My parents told them from the beginning (both his family and the BOY himself) that my sister is going to school on loans. My sister doesn't want her med school to be a burden on anyone--my parents, her in-laws, her husband--so she said she only wants to take loans and she'll pay them back after when she has a job. The boys family got their panties in a bunch over that and said that it doesn't make sense to talk about $$$ and stuff--even though my parents were only doing it to clear up that confusion.

The problem is that THEY had called us to call us over to finalize stuff and when my dad asked for family info to finalize (which i think is a normal step in all arranged marriages, right?) they never got back to us...so I don't think my parents will call till they receive that info. I feel like I just answered my own question...guess they're not coming back if they couldn't even call us to give us family deets.

30

Re: Should she get over it?

^ this. I was going to say that you had asked for a call

But for your sister's peace of mind, since she is having a hard time letting it go, have your mum consider calling his mum just for a "hey how are ya" and in doing so judge the tone and the situation while providing info that sis has gotten into XYZ med school

31

Re: Should she get over it?

An engagement doesn't sound like too much to ask though.

32

Re: Should she get over it?

will there's nothing wrong if they jus stay in touch wid ur family....if they have a marrige in their minds with ur sis in future wen their son has a job....

33

Re: Should she get over it?

I never understand why parents make their daughters get married at a young age.... i mean let her finish school atleast... whats the rush...

urgh..
I promise you my munno is not getting married until he is in his early thirties.. i know boys take time to reach the maturity bar... URGH.. parents a nutcases sometimes....

34

Re: Should she get over it?

my sister's not super young, she's 24. And the only reason these ppl were allowed over is because they wouldn't take no for an answer. They were persistent and seemed like a compatible family at the time. The boy is 30...he should be mature enough at this point--I would hope.

I wish, but I don't think any amount of coaxing will work since my parents are sure at this pt that the guy's family was shady for pushing commitment so fast ESPECIALLY without allowing us to background check. I'm just posting on here to see if anyone thinks this guy/family will even come back so I can try to prepare my sister. :(

35

Re: Should she get over it?

there is a possibility, a real one. Unless that door is slammed shut and bolted ur sister will keep thinking perhaps theyll come cos this door is left open. U need to eliminate that possibility for her to move on, or she needs to be wise enough to move on without the closure of a surefire no from their end

36

Re: Should she get over it?

If you want to check their background, all you need is there first and last name, you can check guy's court records by just googling from the state he is living in and his family as well. You don't really have to ask them about it, yeah snooping is OKAY becuase your sister's life depends on it.
On second thought, why go through all this, check them out if they comeback but right now treat this they will never comeback and move on. I'm sure and by the grace of God, your sister will have better partner then this.
Goodluck