It has happened to me before and it was offensive.
First time, MIL and SILs had planned to to to the mall and that is understandable. However, they went out of their way not to tell me or my Jethani about it. MIL said she was going to SIL's house to baby sit. Later, hubby brought it up at dinner how MIL had enjoyed at the mall. She was like, if I had known we were going to the mall, I would have asked you guys to come also." Hubby said, "But ammi you told me two weeks ago that you were going to the mall."
Thus, MIL going to the mall with her daughters wasn't a big deal because I wouldn't have gone either way. However, her going out of her way to avoid inviting me and jethani was a bit weird.
At another instance, MIL didn't even say bye when leaving, even though we were standing right there. Jethani and I went to the nearby grocery store and ran into MIL. It was pretty funny. MIL came upto me and said, "if you were coming here too, you should have told me. We could have came together." I was like, " how could I have told you when you left before me, and I didn't even know where you were going."
It is the hiding that she went somewhere that makes it offensive.
It has happened to me before and it was offensive.
First time, MIL and SILs had planned to to to the mall and that is understandable. However, they went out of their way not to tell me or my Jethani about it. MIL said she was going to SIL's house to baby sit. Later, hubby brought it up at dinner how MIL had enjoyed at the mall. She was like, if I had known we were going to the mall, I would have asked you guys to come also." Hubby said, "But ammi you told me two weeks ago that you were going to the mall."
Thus, MIL going to the mall with her daughters wasn't a big deal because I wouldn't have gone either way. However, her going out of her way to avoid inviting me and jethani was a bit weird.
At another instance, MIL didn't even say bye when leaving, even though we were standing right there. Jethani and I went to the nearby grocery store and ran into MIL. It was pretty funny. MIL came upto me and said, "if you were coming here too, you should have told me. We could have came together." I was like, " how could I have told you when you left before me, and I didn't even know where you were going."
It is the hiding that she went somewhere that makes it offensive.
Hey, but why were you and your jhetani were expecting to be invited by her to the MALL? I find this weird. i mean going to malls is just so day to day thing that why anyone would even announce about going there?
well, instead of hiding i see this as having space, having independence. i don't think that elders of the house are in any way bound to tell specifically to youngsters( be it the DILs or their own kids) where they are off to. if they want to share this information that is fine but if they don't than i don't find it offensive.
I’m not sure why you would be offended or find it weird if your MIL wanted to spend time alone with her biological daughters by herself without including the DILs. She didn’t even invite her son (ie. your husband). And perhaps she lied b/c she wanted it to be just them and didn’t want to take the risk of you/jethani saying “yes” to coming. Sounds like her only mistake was mentioning this to her son b/c she obviously didn’t expect him to bring it up.
Few weeks ago, there was a dawat at my in laws place. MIL called hubby a day before and invited him. Hubby darling ask me to go with him. We both had argument because no one called me or invited me but he said..mujhe phone kiya ya tumhe kiya, aik he Baat hai or apno ko invite nahi kiya Jata...well finally I gave up and went with him but my MIL wasn't happy to see me...
My hubby thinks I just over react for small things .
I've been married 15 years now, and not once has anyone in my in laws (mil, jethani, nand) called me directly to invite to me a dawat...it's always my husband who informs me when and where...meh...learn to pick your battles.
Like Paheli & Lusi have advised, you need to be more concerned with your husband's feelings and expectations, not your MIL's.
Few weeks ago, there was a dawat at my in laws place. MIL called hubby a day before and invited him. Hubby darling ask me to go with him. We both had argument because no one called me or invited me but he said..mujhe phone kiya ya tumhe kiya, aik he Baat hai or apno ko invite nahi kiya Jata...well finally I gave up and went with him but my MIL wasn't happy to see me...
My hubby thinks I just over react for small things .
How many times do your parents/siblings/relatives go out of their way to invite your husband separately from you? Probably not very often.
How many times do your parents/siblings/relatives go out of their way to invite your husband separately from you? Probably not very often.
It's not about Calling me separately . I speak to her everyday, so she could have Tell me also thar there is a dawat etc my complain is I am never informed or told abt any dawats .
It's not about Calling me separately . I speak to her everyday, so she could have Tell me also thar there is a dawat etc my complain is I am never informed or told abt any dawats .
how close are you to your inlaws otherwise?
do you chit chat about things or only communicate when necessary?
do you have a friendly and easy-going rapport with them?
Hey, but why were you and your jhetani were expecting to be invited by her to the MALL? I find this weird. i mean going to malls is just so day to day thing that why anyone would even announce about going there?
well, instead of hiding i see this as having space, having independence. i don't think that elders of the house are in any way bound to tell specifically to youngsters( be it the DILs or their own kids) where they are off to. if they want to share this information that is fine but if they don't than i don't find it offensive.
This: MIL said she was going to SIL's house to baby sit. Later, hubby brought it up at dinner how MIL had enjoyed at the mall. She was like, if I had known we were going to the mall, I would have asked you guys to come also." Hubby said, "But ammi you told me two weeks ago that you were going to the mall."
She lied. Twice.
I wasn't expecting to be invited but why lie about it… Its offensive when people lie several times just to avoid inviting you.
how close are you to your inlaws otherwise?
do you chit chat about things or only communicate when necessary?
do you have a friendly and easy-going rapport with them?
She lives few blocks away..
I call her nearly everyday to check how she is. Well my MIL always taunt me abt things like I spend too much, how my husband use to give more money to them but now less because of me. Usually I try to avoid arguing with her.
It is the lying that is weird and offensive. She expected me to take her EVERYWHERE I went… like Krogers, running errands, lunch with my mom, etc. Thus, it is offensive that she lied so many times not to invite me. I did not want an invitation, I just did not want her to lie to me. For example, if she left without telling us, that would be ok. Or if she just said that she had gone to the mall, when hubby asked, that would eb Ok too. However, she pretended in front of hubby that she wanted us there, even though she clearly did not.
^ I think I would also feel hurt by the excluding and lying. Makes it all feel like a more deliberate insult, rather than just a little outing. But perhaps what the other posters are advocating is a different approach for yourself, so you are not as vulnerable.
angel, i don't think you should expect a personal invite, especially when it's close family involved. i always gets invites extended to me through others and i don't think it's a big deal. but as you say you found that you were actually not welcome, i think that is really weird behavior on your IL part.
^ I think I would also feel hurt by the excluding and lying. Makes it all feel like a more deliberate insult, rather than just a little outing. But perhaps what the other posters are advocating is a different approach for yourself, so you are not as vulnerable.
angel, i don't think you should expect a personal invite, especially when it's close family involved. i always gets invites extended to me through others and i don't think it's a big deal. but as you say you found that you were actually not welcome, i think that is really weird behavior on your IL part.
Oh ya, I don't take anything she does to my heart anymore. I moved out and I am way happier. mashaAllah. I was never upset about her behavior of excluding me. However, I was a bit offended that someone would have to put so much effort just to exclude me. :)
@angel… I never get nor expect a separate invitation. FIL sometimes calls to make sure i am coming though. It is sort of weird for me to get personal invites because I do not know how to turn them down. If they call hubby, I can easily say no to him if I want to. It just leaves me with more options.
Ok so this is just a general question based on my observation.
i have seen (though just few) guys that as son-in-laws want to be invited to every other get-to-gathar, outings arranged by their in-laws. and will feel offended if they are not invited upon. for example even if if some casual dinner is planned by parents-in-law where they only want to spend some private time and relax with their own daughters and sons and do not want sons-in-law to be part of it, the sons-in-law take it in bad spirit.
and some DILs too make a great deal if their Parents-in-law want to have some outing time alone with their son/sons only, not taking along the DILs.
So why is that so? Why do SILs and DILs feel offended in these cases. is it really something that one should feel offended about and is it something not okay if parents want to spend just alone time with their own kids( without their spouses) once every now and then?
Lol I guess I'd be happy and wouldenjoy some time alone as I have to go every where with inlaws even if I am not well. Once I had an upset stomach and my parents in law werw invited to their friends place. I asked fil if I could just stay at home he handed me a flagyl tablet and asked me to take it and get ready. No kidding!
I think..when two people get married..they ought to be invited and included in family activities. That is because..son or daughter in law..do not want to be branded as outsiders.
Its hurtful when someone goes out of their way to exclude you. Its less offensive, if its a casual plan like a mother going to the mall with her daughters, theres nothing wrong with that at all. But when you feel like you have purposely been left out, of course its hurtful. It makes you feel like you are not an equal member of their family. Its not only hurtful but its plain mean. My parents dont even like me visiting home with out my husband because I live far away from them so we only travel home when both of us can travel unless I am going alone on last minute notice (death in the family, emergency type event.)
I guess I can relate because my inlaws do it all the time, where I am purposely left out from birthday celebrations or plans for a dawat. I won't know about it until I come home from work or school and see guests over or there are gifts in our room that my husband got while I wasn't around because everyone knows I am not at home at certain parts of the day. My husband didn't like it either so once or twice, he said he would open gifts with them when everyone is at home together. Ofcourse his dad didn't like that either. So its moments like that, that make you feel like you are not a wanted member of the family because you are clearly not treated like their immediate children and I can see how that would be hurtful. It should never escalate to anything serious because its not in your spouses control if his/her parents do that but I can understand why it would be hurtful.
^ Ya.. deliberately treating someone differently is hurtful too. My hubby paid them 1000$ to buy me gold baliyaan and to get all the women gold studs from Makkah. When they get back, Hubby brings all the earrings to me and asks me to pick whichever one I like. I pick the baaliyan, since that is what I had asked for before they left. After distributing the rest, MIL asks me to show everyone which one I picked. I do and SILs throw a huge fit and I get to hear tannay for days. They kept saying how the baaliyan were for their daughters and they had brought studs for me. I offered to give them to SIL but she just made a face and refused.
This kind of treatment makes me feel left out too.
However, the mall thing was also very deliberate. If it was a casual plan, than why would she feel the need to lie? If she didn't lie and all then it wouldn't be hurtful at all.
I think women who lie on purpose like that should be ignored...as in treated as if their just nothing and their outing does not affect you in any way whatsoever. If I were slighted like that by a MIL or SIL or whoeverIL...I'd just pretend they don't exist.
some families pedestalize their damaads. The damaads sensitivities in turn are also easily hurt and offended if say, the whole family of his inlaws, including the brothers/sister in laws, their spouses, kids etc are not present at the airport to receive him. He would then complain about it to his mom *"zaraa dekhain sahi... mujhay lenay sirf uss kay abba aey thay"
*Does this even happen or am I just pulling it out of ....?
I think women who lie on purpose like that should be ignored...as in treated as if their just nothing and their outing does not affect you in any way whatsoever. If I were slighted like that by a MIL or SIL or whoeverIL...I'd just pretend they don't exist.
It is hard to ignore her as I visit then every single Friday. However, now I just never ever do anything for her like I used to. Before I would stitch her outfits, iron all her clothes before ramadan, make puri for her for sehri b/c thats why she liked to ear, etc. I am so glad I do not live with them anymore.
She didn’t even invite her son (ie. your husband). And perhaps she lied b/c she wanted it to be just them and didn’t want to take the risk of you/jethani saying “yes” to coming. Sounds like her only mistake was mentioning this to her son b/c she obviously didn’t expect him to bring it up.