Ok so this is just a general question based on my observation.
i have seen (though just few) guys that as son-in-laws want to be invited to every other get-to-gathar, outings arranged by their in-laws. and will feel offended if they are not invited upon. for example even if if some casual dinner is planned by parents-in-law where they only want to spend some private time and relax with their own daughters and sons and do not want sons-in-law to be part of it, the sons-in-law take it in bad spirit.
and some DILs too make a great deal if their Parents-in-law want to have some outing time alone with their son/sons only, not taking along the DILs.
So why is that so? Why do SILs and DILs feel offended in these cases. is it really something that one should feel offended about and is it something not okay if parents want to spend just alone time with their own kids( without their spouses) once every now and then?
In my family if my husband is visiting, my family doesn't leave him alone at home and take me out for outing. We all go together. This is the right way when everyone is together.
If parents want alone time with kids then kids should make sure they don't drag their spouses in that situation. It will just create misunderstandings and make things worse for all.
I don't understand the idea. Why not every sister plans to stay at parent's home together. In that case, it can't offend hubby and all siblings can spend a quality time. Yes but if you are "invited" especially alone for a one night dinner, it's, I would say, unethical!
Its strange to plan outings and dinners where you only invite your kids and not their spouses - actually its rude because the spouses are a part of this family now and should be treated as such. Whoever is offended has every right to be so. Once in a blue moon, we girls might randomly do a girls' night at parents' house but since we're all girls (no brothers) it's not really looked as rude.
And yes, it is absolutely insulting to intentionally exclude someone who is supposed to be a member of your immediate family. I would be offended, and I think it's a completely legitimate reaction. Certainly they can have private time and all that, but planning family events without family members is hurtful.
yup i mean offended.
so the idea i gathered from the responses is that it is valid reason to feel offended. but if its not some special family event and just any casual outing or dinner/lunch then in that situation too one is alright to feel that way? i mean if MIL calls her daughter and say lets go to so and so place for dinner( and its just a casual dinner, not celebration or anything) then it is unethical as well?
like couples also keep some dinners, outings etc for just themselves and and daughters in law do not want to involve their parents-in-law, sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law into that and same is the case with sons-in-law that they also do not like to have the in-laws in each and every outing so then why do they feel offended if the same is done by parents-in-law?
^ I can see like if the parent needed help with something or whatever. And sometimes gender determines who is included in an activity, but not so much relationships. I just can't imagine mom/MIL planning something without at least asking that their sons/daughters-in-law be included.
If the MIL invited her daughter and said let's go to lunch, that's not a big a deal. But if the MIL invites her 3 sons and 2 daughters and tells them they are not to bring their wives/husbands - then yes that would offend the SIL or DIL. The first is a one-on-one, the second is a family gathering where the parents-in-laws are telling the son-in-laws and daughter-in-laws that they don't consider them to be family.
I'd be hurt if my in laws invited my husband over for dinner, and pointedly asked me not to come. Spouses are treated as part of the family and I cannot imagine my parents or in-laws asking just one of us to visit. However if I want to hang out with my sister, I go on my own. Same thing if my husband wants to spend time with his siblings or parents, he just visits or calls them. I think the difference is whether it is a planned, formal setting or just a casual hang-out. Even in the casual setting, spouses are welcome and are never told not to come!
yup i mean offended.
so the idea i gathered from the responses is that it is valid reason to feel offended. but if its not some special family event and just any casual outing or dinner/lunch then in that situation too one is alright to feel that way? i mean if MIL calls her daughter and say lets go to so and so place for dinner( and its just a casual dinner, not celebration or anything) then it is unethical as well?
like couples also keep some dinners, outings etc for just themselves and and daughters in law do not want to involve their parents-in-law, sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law into that and same is the case with sons-in-law that they also do not like to have the in-laws in each and every outing so then why do they feel offended if the same is done by parents-in-law?
Its just seen as strange and turns people away from wanting to be a part of the family as well in the future. If your parents are making it obvious that they don't consider them family then they will act like they're not family. Its a two way street and many times people don't understand that if you treat someone a certain way - don't be offended if you get that same treatment right back.
Let's say your mom meets up with you randomly for a lunch - not offensive at all
Your mom meeting up with her DIL for dinner - no problem there either
Your parents cooking dinner just for their 4 kids out of which 2 are married and ask that only their children attend - rude
Doesn't make a lot of sense to me and honestly I haven't seen it or heard of it happening,just for the sake of spending some time with your child and not their spouse.
Now if we are talking about some evil MIL (Life1 prototype kinda thing) who wants to hang out with the son and tells him not to bring the wife with him.It wont be hard to guess what she would be discussing with her son during their 'quality time'...well that makes sense and should offend the bahu...!
Few weeks ago, there was a dawat at my in laws place. MIL called hubby a day before and invited him. Hubby darling ask me to go with him. We both had argument because no one called me or invited me but he said..mujhe phone kiya ya tumhe kiya, aik he Baat hai or apno ko invite nahi kiya Jata...well finally I gave up and went with him but my MIL wasn't happy to see me...
My hubby thinks I just over react for small things .
Few weeks ago, there was a dawat at my in laws place. MIL called hubby a day before and invited him. Hubby darling ask me to go with him. We both had argument because no one called me or invited me but he said..mujhe phone kiya ya tumhe kiya, aik he Baat hai or apno ko invite nahi kiya Jata...well finally I gave up and went with him but my MIL wasn't happy to see me...
My hubby thinks I just over react for small things .
So you expect a separate invite? Basically his mom calls and invites him, hangs up and then calls back and invites you? I would just assume if my husband were invited, then I am too.
So you expect a separate invite? Basically his mom calls and invites him, hangs up and then calls back and invites you? I would just assume if my husband were invited, then I am too.
She called him on his mobile phone and invite him...same day I called her but she did not mention anything.
Later I heard she was complaining that I never let her son visit his parents alone.
In this scenario, I will become dheet and go with him every time there is a dawat, etc not because I want to annoy MIL but because my husband is clearly giving a message that his wife will accompany him. It doesn't matter who she called, what phone, or when.
She called him on his mobile phone and invite him...same day I called her but she did not mention anything.
Later I heard she was complaining that I never let her son visit his parents alone.
She complained....so what? I agree with Lusi. Choose your battles wisely. And in my opinion, this is not worth fighting over. Your #1 priority should be your husband's feelings.......not MIL's. If he wants you to accompany him, you go. And believe me, I deal with the exact same scenario with my in-laws too.
If you MIL has an issue with you going with your hubby at HIS request....then she needs to bring that up to her son. If she chooses not to do that for whatever reason, then that's her problem.
