I’m sorry, I know this is a really cliched topic but i thought i’d throw it out there anyway. I’m 24 and am still studying. I love being in school and am very excited about the prospect of having a great career afterwards. But more and more i also want to get married and have a family. I have two older siblings who are still single. They refused to have arranged marriages and have dated multiple people over the years but still haven’t found the right person to settle down with. I have never dated anyone long term before, have never been in love. My parents are pretty liberal, so if i chose to meet someone through the arranged route and got engaged to him, they would probably be okay with me seeing and speaking with him regularly till we got married. So i would have the opportunity to get to know the man. But i’m still afraid to have an arranged marriage.
First, i’m picky and have a few requirements that would have to be met, such as he would have to be college educated and would have to have been raised abroad. I know that might sound petty and shallow, but i’m going to be spending the rest of my life with this man so i think i have the right to be picky. I want someone who is my equal in terms of education, and since i have spent most of my life abroad, i want someone raised abroad too. I know there are a lot of great, kind men in Pakistan, but i think it would be easier for me to be with someone raised abroad. Also, i’m scared that even if my family does find me a guy who meets those requirements, and is good on paper, polite, successful in his career, hails from a nice family, etc., i won’t click with him. And if i tried to tell my family that i don’t want to marry a man just because i feel no spark or connection with him, they wouldn’t understand that. I know everyone says that with arranged marriages, love often happens after the marriage, but what if it doesn’t happen? I know in time i will grow fond of him, have children with him, but what if i never really feel that true, crazy about you, love for him? As short lived as that kind of love may be, i don’t think i could stand to marry someone without loving them that way. Worse yet, what if i were to settle for a man who is good on paper but that i have no spark with, and over the course of our marriage i were to meet someone i did connect with and start falling in love with them? So as you can tell, the idea of an arranged marriage is kind of terrifying for me. But i haven’t fallen in love with anyone on my own either, and i don’t want to end up like my siblings. Waiting to fall in love before getting married, but never finding love.
I know that marriage is a gamble, whether it’s done through love or the arranged introduction. But i am still confused and scared. Should i go on being single, hoping to bump into my knight in shining armor, or should i give in and ask my parents to find me a husband?
Re: Should i wait for love or have an arranged marriage?
I'll be practical here and tell you what I think.. If you wanna go for a love marriage, then be prepared for the worst and remember one thing, it will hurt like hell if it doesn't work out.. pain will be significant whereas arranged marriages are easy to forgive and forget since you weren't emotionally consumed in it to begin with.. but a broken Love marriage is not an easy pill to swallow.. with that being said, I'd go for a love marriage since I know my self and I can handle pretty much anything but I'd also like to have my parent's blessings as well.
Re: Should i wait for love or have an arranged marriage?
maena
u have your requirements, now whether u meet that person on your own, or are introduced to him by a friend a some party, or by your parents at some community event, does it make a difference?
as far as your family goes, you should be open with them that just because someone meets all your prerequisites, does not mean u will find a connection, and on the other hand u actually may find a spark with someone who may not meet all of your prereqs.
i would suggest that if they ntroduce you to someone you are interested in, have some more meetings, get a chance to know the guy. I mean if u meet someone on your own u would need some time to get t know him anyways. dont go for something official until u have a good nuff feel.
Re: Should i wait for love or have an arranged marriage?
You have to continuously work on a marriage. Even couples who had a love marriage will experience difficulties in the marriage as well as days when they feel "out of love" with each other.
And arranged marriages these days are not as rigid as their actual definition. These days two people can meet through another party and get to know each other before deciding to marry. This situation is NOT an arranged marriage....as some people like to believe. It's more like a blind date, in a way.
It would be impractical of you to wait until you SPONTANEOUSLY bump into some stranger who will sweep you off your feet. Know what I mean? You can still have a LOVE MARRIAGE by meeting potential people that are introduced to you by your peers, family friends, and relatives. Since your parents are liberal.....spend sufficient time getting to know the person. If you "click" with the individual..........and you both feel in love with each other.....and decide to get married.........then BOOM....there is your LOVE MARRIAGE. In a love marriage.......the love can take place in various ways (spontaneous meeting or arranged meeting).
^Keeping that in mind......consider being open to arranged **meetings **which can potentially develop into "love marriages".
I understand that many of us feel more comfortable marrying someone of a similar background. For example, some US born and raised desis might not feel as comfortable marrying someone who has been born and raised in Pakistan.....because there is a difference in culture/thinking, etc. And if you have been raised in the west, then it's understandable if you want someone who has been raised in the west............BUT keep in mind.......even if you find such a guy.......does not necessarily mean that he's traveled the world. Traveling is not always easy for people for various reasons (expenses, family, etc).
Keeping your criteria tooo detailed.....further narrows your pool of guys, and that can limit your possibilities. If you find someone that has traveled the world.....then GREAT! But if you find someone who is compatible to you in ALL other ways expect global exposrues.....then that's not enough to turn the person down. Even though such an individual hasn't traveled in their past.......they might be open and interested in traveling. Know what I mean? Consider various angles and possibilities.
Re: Should i wait for love or have an arranged marriage?
I agree with X2 here. I mean, if your parents are liberal then they will certainly understand your requirements, needs, wants. So its up to you to inform them of the type of man you'd be interested in. Its nice actually, if they go out and find a guy who fits your description!
As far as that "spark"...I think its important. To have a physical, emotional and intellectual attachment is just the best...sure true love will hopefully follow and once the initial flames die down a bit you'll always have that super-special memory of those early-day flames in your relationship.
You work hard, you've acheived much, you expect much of yourself...so no need to expect less of a spouse yeah?
Re: Should i wait for love or have an arranged marriage?
It depends on how badly you want to get married. Do you feel as though you are ready and also WANT to get married RIGHT NOW? If so, the practical thing to do is meet guys through your parents - like people have said arranged is not what it used to be. What's the harm in meeting guys to see if you "click"?
I think everyone wants that "fairy tale" romance - they want to fall in love...but you admitted that you have never been in love and unless there is a guy out there right now who is a potential "love interest" for you...you cannot just sit around hoping that someday you will meet someone. What if you NEVER fall in love on your own? Then what?
If you on the other hand are not in a hurry to get married then you can wait to see what happens...but one peice of advice I always give my single friends....you will NEVER find love if you go LOOKING for it....it always happens when you are least expecting it, because true love happens naturally.
Re: Should i wait for love or have an arranged marriage?
remember both are a gamble, and nothing is gauranteed.
i opted for arrnaged, and to be honest i prefer it this way, you get more parental support and theres more of a backbone if you ever get into trouble within your mariage. love marriages i find are always riskier, from what i know.
remember you never know wht someone is like until you dont live with them and are not married, so love or arranged doesnt guarantee anything. sometimes you can know someone for 10 years, that doesnt guarantee anything...
so take a risk and believe in allah
Re: Should i wait for love or have an arranged marriage?
The biggest difference.
In love marriage, if anything goes wrong anywhere, you are all alone, by yourself.
In arrange marriage, if anything goes wrong anywhere, you are not alone, everyone will be there right beside you.
Be wise............
In above posts it already been said " Love just happens, if it can happen before marriage, it can also happen after marriage too "
