Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Deeba1234 · August 22, 2010, 5:13pm

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Same here. Good Luck GoriLady, hope it goes well :)

PyariCgudia · August 22, 2010, 8:17pm

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Um, your thoughts are totally valid, gori girl. And your suspicions are correct. He's a moron and he's not taking your relationship seriously. Pakistani men are total parents' boys, and they dont at all consider growing up until like after they've had 3 kids or something.

He should honor his time with you. If his parents are trying to manipulate him, he should know better and resist. He's not doing that. He's disrespecting you and telling you "how its gonna be", and that he does not have to respect keeping his schedule with you.

I'd drop this bugger in a heart beat. I'm desperate for a desi boy, and quite honestly, if I went through what you're going through, I wouldn't put up with it.

Honestly get out of it. There are better and stronger muslim men out there, if you're truly planning on converting.

GoriLady · August 23, 2010, 12:38am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

o

GoriLady · August 23, 2010, 12:42am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Thanks :) I still don't know when the Iftar will be. I told him that I'm busy the long weekend and he promised that it would be before that so I guess that only leave next weekend. I think on Sunday was the day we talked about. Mind you, he hasn't confirmed that date so who knows?!

Nina85 · August 23, 2010, 1:57am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Hey GoriLady,
Ok, I am going to be brutally honest. In the end, its your decision, but please think about what I am going to say. And know that I have this situation may times.
He will not change. His parents will not change. The drama, complications, family arguments will not change. Nothing will change.
Im sure he is a nice guy, but he is spineless and being quite selfish. This will not change...ever. You deserve to be with someone who welcomes you in their life with open arms. Same goes for their family.
Cut him off. Spent time with friends instead. Meet someone new. And if he calls back, which he will...tell him you have moved on and actually do it. Trust me sweetie.
Are you in Montreal btw

diwana · August 23, 2010, 2:10am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

kon won say way phal shal..

You’re right Diwana. Here is the honest truth. I really love this guy. When we got engaged, he seemed to appear to be the most perfect person ever for me. While my head is starting to tell me that he maybe doesn’t deserve me, my heart is trying desperately to find reasons for his behavior, reasons that would justify his behavior. I really hoped that it was just a cultural difference hence why i came on here. Honestly, I really want you all to tell me to stay with him and that he’ll become the right guy, that this is normal and not to worry. But let me tell you all another little story that also happened this week when he dropped another bomb on me.

Since we started dating, I have been taking a minute dose of Zoloft- not because I am depressed but because I hurt my neck a few times over the course of my life and now, when I’m tense or stressed, if my neck tenses too much I end up with migraines. The zoloft keeps me slightly calmer so that I do not end up with the sore neck. My career is very erratic and stressful and lends itself to stress (though its getting better). His family has caused major major stress over the past period of time. Since the work stress has been reduced, I would be ready to drop the zoloft if it wasn’t for his family. I never hid that I took the zoloft, I’ve told him since the very beginning. It’s honestly not a big deal to me and I know that I’m not mentally unstable. So, fast-forward over a year of him knowing, and a month after he proposed. We’re sitting in a restaurant the other night and I finally came to a conclusion on how I want to deal with him reserving the right to cancel on me until we’re married. I told him that it made me feel insecure and that it hurt me. I suggested to take a more Islamic approach to the whole situation and cease “dating” all together. I said I want to stay engaged to him and all but that I want to see him more like once a month only in person though that we can still talk on the phone etc. He countered with that he needs to see me stop taking the Zoloft and eventually said that he won’t marry me until I stop. I explained again about the migraines and his family’s role in them and he said that I need to learn to deal with stress. I said I agree but that maybe I will always need to take the zoloft. He said if that is the case, he won’t marry me!?!>?! I was floored. I mean, I never hid this from him. It’s not even like I take a full dose. For anyone who knows anything about zoloft, I take only 25mg/day. Nothing!!! He tells me all this after we’re engaged?! I’m really hurt. We fought alot about it. Then he brought our mutual friend over and she tried to mediate. Finally, it came out that he is worried that the person I am without the zoloft might not love him. Ok fair, I get that. But then when I said I’d stop taking it to show him that my personality changes zero percent on it but that if my migraines get bad, and he isn’t there to even help me feel better (since he has told me that he won’t make firm plans), that I’d need to take it again. He said in that case, he wouldn’t marry me. I feel like he is turning in to a monster a-hole.** His behavior blows my mind. He also told me that nobody should ever take antidepressants, ever no matter what the problem. I told him that fine, I’ll stop taking them but not because he is telling me to. I’m going to stop taking them because I always wanted to anyway, it was just that it became part of my routine and I forgot about it. I kept trying to figure out reasons why he could have such a sudden and intense reaction to this. I asked him if he was worried that if/when I stopped taking them, if he worried that I’d be a different personal (and in such, stop loving him). He said yes that was a fear. He is worried that it will corrode my mind over time and that I will be an unfit mother?! I told hiim that we need to go to serious pre-marital counselling. I’m really concerned that he is going to turn in a control freak now. This behavior is so shocking to me. During all this fighting, I bit my nails. I haven’t done it in yrs but I did it bc I was that freaked out. When he found out, he actually got mad at me?! And said that he it wouldn’t be okay for his wife to do that kind of thing. I’m starting to think, does he even love me?! I told him that and **he said yes, that he loves me so much and thats why he is fighting so m uch with his parents. **

I think all his sudden bad behavior is stemming from the fact that I started pushing him about setting a nikkah date and he got annoyed, thought I was nagging so that made him have doubts about me. It’s like he is trying his darnest to find fault with me.

Now we haven’t spoken all weekend… I don’t think I can handle this much longer. I’m so sad when I stop and thinking about it/him.

I will reserve my final thoughts on it

Let us consider that what you say is correct bearing in mind that it is still one sided story.

1- You think you love him.

2- He says he loves you.

3- Arguments are not so big.

4- Someone who loves other and thinking marrying does not use word A-hole. Or trash future/potential/prospective husband

5- Blaming on his family for zoloft is not good.

6- Headache does not appear to be migraine. Sounds more like tension headache.

7- Premarital counseling? Useless. You two need to figure out yourself. Ultimately you two are planning to live.

8- Men are men, they may react to someone on drugs like that similarly 25 or 100 mg does not make a difference.
He is rightly concerned about side effects.

9- Do not convert because of him. Convert only if you want to and convinced. These kind of marriages fall apart sometime later even if it may take 10-15 years if religion is especially involved. You may not stay converted.

10- Go to his house like usual affair. Asking people for a gift is not so smart. Desi people are not aliens from other planet that you have to ask people on internet for gift.

11- Ask yourself if you are up to it for long hall. Getting stressed out and biting nails makes him more nervous about your personality and being future wife.

12- Go to a doctor. You may not need to take zoloft.

13- Consider his stress level also, which could be more than yours.

razzmatazz · August 23, 2010, 8:31am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

^diwana nailed it on the head. Good revised break down, consider what hes written above Gorilady.

GoriLady · August 23, 2010, 1:42pm

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

o

aahmed · August 23, 2010, 3:01pm

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

GoriLady, it almost sounds like he is now just starting to reach, to FIND an excuse to get YOU to end it with him. I'm sorry, I've PMd you before but reserved my strong opinions, but at this point, I HAVE to say this. This is WRONG, you need to get away from him before you turn into a complete neurotic. It sounds like he wants out but doesn't have the pair to do it himself. If I were you, all my alarm bells would be going off.
'

GoriLady · August 23, 2010, 4:57pm

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Thanks everyone for your advice and kind words. It was very much appreciated. I'm going to stop posting on the subject because it is getting to the point of being over-discussed.

Only time will tell, right?

Please make dua for me that Allah will guide me to make the right decision.

Orpheus · August 23, 2010, 5:01pm

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

so how did it go?

GoriLady · August 30, 2010, 1:51am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

So today was the day that I was supposed to meet his parents. I woke up to an email in my inbox saying that he was breaking up with me. I didn't think a fiance could do such a horrific thing.

In the email he said he couldn't bear to tell me this to my face and asked that I never try to contact him again. I didn't even get to say goodbye or have that closure.

I'm devestated.

samb · August 30, 2010, 1:57am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

hey sorry to hear about that.

it probably hurts right now... but in the long run you're better off without the douchebag. would you rather he promise to marry you and then renege or go through the marriage and then betray/leave you?

you will find someone better.

diwana · August 30, 2010, 2:09am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

You two were not compatible reading your posts above. Both of you had rigidity in this relation. Sadly, it happens. Hope you get over soon and find a better match.
And you will. :)

GoriLady · August 30, 2010, 2:11am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

I think the problem was that I was too flexible and he was too rigid. :( I did every single thing he asked of me and more (I even went out on my own yesterday and bought a new shalwar kameez to wear to his parents' iftar). I also signed up for an Urdu class which I'll now be cancelling... :(

Krypton · August 30, 2010, 2:18am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

It's better for you, someone who cant appreciate your efforts and understand your emotions and only builds more expectations, does not deserve you or your time or love. such people are stuck in their own bubbles and rarely change.

saimab33 · August 30, 2010, 2:19am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

I am so sorry to hear that GoriLady. I know how devasting this is for you right now. No matter what other people say about him not being right for you, you still loved him (love him), and trust me, I know the pain you are going through. There are going to be some tough times ahead of you, but trust me, you will get through it. The key is to surround yourself with supportive friends and family. You need to do things to get your mind off him. He is not even worth a second thought. You deserve so much better than that. I pray that you find happiness.

diwana · August 30, 2010, 2:20am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

I do not think shalwar qameez or urdu is the issue I based my final comments on, which I withheld above.

Not even religion/culture.

It is the difference in personalities which your posts showed. Even if this kind of situation had occured between two similar background people, the result would have been same. I safely talked about 10-15 years above, but even if marriage had happened it would probably not have lasted more than one or two years.

Cheer up, be strong and move on. :)

GoriLady · August 30, 2010, 2:41am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Thanks guys.

GoriLady · August 30, 2010, 2:43am

Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

I know, he renagged on the Zoloft, he renagged on staying engaged (just THursday night he swore that even though he had threatened to leave me about the zolft, it was only a threat and that he could never do such a thing- he even had tears in his eyes staring at me and saying I could never understand how much he loves me...)... 3 days later I get the break up email... he has proven himself to be a loose canon. I ended up in the way of his canon far too many times.