Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

you sound lovely, and sorry but he doesnt. sounds like a typcial desi. obv we dont know him, only you know best. go to the iftaar, and have some self respect and be strong. dont get told what to do by him, or parents.

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Like everyone has been saying, report back after the iftar.

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Gori, ignore the negative remarks in here. U sound like a gem of a person and he seems just confused and probably trapped with the emotional dramas that are being played at home.

Dont play games with him as someone suggested.. just be open and patient. Desi people are very confusing, sometimes more often than necessary.

As most people have recommended, go to the aftar with a clear heart and you will Inshallah be fine.

I liked what Niksik said. I’d take her advice :k:

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

I really liked this part :k:

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Hes bored of you

looking to cheat

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Woman, get some self esteem and dump this guy.

If this was a Pakistani girl I'd tell her the exact same thing...she deserves better :)

There's lots of Pakistani guys who treat their non-desi girlfriends/wives with love and respect that they deserve..

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

It's really tough for him to stay away from his parents or to marry you without their approval. Like the others have said, it's the Pakistani psyche. I've cancelled plans with my friends (including Pakistani guy friends) at the last minute due to things I have to do for my parents. They don't mind and they in fact tell me that my parents should always come first. So that's something that you're going to have to accept if you want to be with him. He will ditch plans at the last minute if his parents need him. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you.

In order to improve relations with your in-laws, you'll probably have to convert. But of course, only do that because you want to accept Islam as your way of life. I've seen mixed marriages and the most successful have been the ones in which the girl converted and practiced it.

Go to the iftaar and talk to the parents... show interest in their lifestyle. Talk about the Islamic events you go to. And I wish you the best :)

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

So I guess he doesn't believe in istekhara then? I wonder how he would have reacted if it came out that he shouldn't see you anymore. I just find this bit strange out of the whole story.

Anyway, at the end of the day, despite whatever people on here tell you, I think you're just gonna play out the whole thing cause you're really invested in the situation at this time. I believe he is making an effort, trying to keep his parents happy, as well as you. Hopefully it will all go well.

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Are u serious?

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

if i am not wrong he did it before moving in into his parents house. and he clearly didnt understand the point of istakhara. well it is clear that he didnt follow what he was asked to do. it is better that you should do it now cuz now the situation is different.

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

sometimes what we hear and see might not be correct but for the one who is in this situation knows it best to handle it!!!!

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

If you are asking random people on the internet about something that they have absolutely no knowledge about I would call you a.....blonde.

sigh being muzzled is no fun.

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

What is wrong with being a blonde :P

I'm asking not just any random people on the internet... I'm asking Pakistani people (I think). Because there is an element of cultural difference at play, I want to make sure I am seeing things from his cultural perspective before making too harsh of a judgement call. Though I know many Pakistanis here where I live, I cannot open up to them about this problem because that would involve airing my fiance's family's dirty laundry out in the community and that is not something which I want to do. I know that Pakistani's are extremely private (ex. when my fiance goes to the mullah for advice, he calls in anonymously) and so I would only make them hate me even more if I started talking about them to their community members. Make sense?

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Gorilady you seem to have so much good humour, faith and respect for your inlaws to be, you deserve a really, really nice guy and family-and if this one isnt ready to realize your worth then rest assured there will be others. And it will be his loss, not yours. Having said that, i hope everybody comes to their senses and 'all is well' :)

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Do you know exactly what the reason is behind the freakout his parents are having? Because pinpointing the reason could be a big help here. You say his parents "caught wind" of your relationship, implying that it was initially a secret? So are they upset because he did it behind their backs? Because I can understand that. They're a Muslim family and Islamically, a male and a female alone together (which is usually how a date goes) is a huge no no. In most Muslim families, the "courtship" is conducted under the eyes of watchful relatives or trusted, married family friends. Doing all of that AND keeping it a secret from them...the initial freakout must have been massive. If this is the reason they're upset, then perhaps he needs to apologize (to them for keeping it a secret and to YOU because he knew better and dragged you into the middle of this) and then reach a solution where you both can conduct your engagement while chaperoned? Understand that I'm not trying to judge or condemn you here...I'm simply stating the facts of the situation.

Or are they freaking out because you're a non-Muslim "gori" and he's a Pakistani Muslim? Again, though not commendable (and downright wrong, in my opinion), it is understandable. Marriages are tough enough when your partner has the same cultural background...it becomes tougher when you come from different worlds. The fact that you're studying Islam and considering converting should go a long way to appease some of their worries. But nothing is going to bridge this divide unless you are actually in each others' presence...talking and getting to know each other and finding compromises.

Or - and this one is the toughest - is it simply a case of them wanting their son to marry who THEY want him to marry. This one is the toughest one of them all to deal with. But it can be dealt with. I've seen it dealt with where the couple involved were gracious, gentle, respectful to the parents but FIRM in their commitment to each other.

But like Niksik and other posters have pointed out, before reaching any conclusion about how you're going to deal with this, you must decide whether you want to deal with this at all. Because if it's options a, b or c as I've outlined above...it doesn't matter which. You have a very tough road ahead of you.

Good luck.

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

Sounds like he's been forced to keep everyone happy and the pressure is causing the actions that you may question. Give him the benefit of the doubt til the iftaar and see how your feelings/ intuition go at the meeting and take it from there. Explain to him how it makes him feel, the off behaviour and also let him speak out what's going on for him.

Good luck though :) If the parents know of you and haven't freaked out... Desi or non desi that itself is a good sign :)

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

[quote="mistral"]

Do you know exactly what the reason is behind the freakout his parents are having? Because pinpointing the reason could be a big help here. You say his parents "caught wind" of your relationship, implying that it was initially a secret? So are they upset because he did it behind their backs? Because I can understand that. They're a Muslim family and Islamically, a male and a female alone together (which is usually how a date goes) is a huge no no. In most Muslim families, the "courtship" is conducted under the eyes of watchful relatives or trusted, married family friends. Doing all of that AND keeping it a secret from them...the initial freakout must have been massive. If this is the reason they're upset, then perhaps he needs to apologize (to them for keeping it a secret and to YOU because he knew better and dragged you into the middle of this) and then reach a solution where you both can conduct your engagement while chaperoned? Understand that I'm not trying to judge or condemn you here...I'm simply stating the facts of the situation.*No, he didn't hide it. He had a white gf prior (who the parents shot down due to her lack of education, tattoos, etc. He agreed and let the relationship go. On our first date, I asked him if his parents were going to have a problem with me. He said that no, they had told him he could choose his own wife and just wanted him to be happy. He broke it to his mother gently, saying that he was friends with a gori etc and that he wanted her to meet me. She apparently seemed to go along with it ( I think bc she assumed it would end before it became a problem). She met me one day at a cultural festival. I was there with a colleague (a Muslim Pakistani because our company was sponsoring the event). I was very close with this guy (platonically) and had asked him many questions about Islam and Pakistan. I talked to his mother briefly and then she sent us (bf and I) to her car to get something. She stayed sitting with my colleague and basically got really upset and said that she didn't want a gori in her family etc etc. He tried to console her, saying I'm a good girl etc etc but she didn't care. I even got her free lunch at the event but this was how she repaid me. :( After that point is when she started fighting with my fiance, and started in on the fake heart attacks etc (2 ambulance rides later, they finally sedated her!!). She isa very overly dramatic. *

Or are they freaking out because you're a non-Muslim "gori" and he's a Pakistani Muslim? Again, though not commendable (and downright wrong, in my opinion), it is understandable. Marriages are tough enough when your partner has the same cultural background...it becomes tougher when you come from different worlds. The fact that you're studying Islam and considering converting should go a long way to appease some of their worries. But nothing is going to bridge this divide unless you are actually in each others' presence...talking and getting to know each other and finding compromises. *Had they properly gotten to know me, I would have agreed that this could have been a concern. They cite all kinds of reasons like that I"m going to divorce him and steal the kids, that I'm a gold-digger, that the kids will be confused religiously, that I wont respect his culture or his parents, that I hate them now after all their drama, that they won't be able to talk to me (due to the language barrier), etc etc etc. These are all valid concerns and my parents had their version of the same concerns... the difference is that my parents didn't go loco and they got to know him themselves before jumping into all the stereotypes. They're also very prideful. They don't want people to talk about them (he already has a divorced sister). *

Or - and this one is the toughest - is it simply a case of them wanting their son to marry who THEY want him to marry. This one is the toughest one of them all to deal with. But it can be dealt with. I've seen it dealt with where the couple involved were gracious, gentle, respectful to the parents but FIRM in their commitment to each other.*Yes, this is, I fear, a major part of the problem. They want to be in control and this shows them that their son isn't in control. His brother doesn't even bother looking at girls because he said no matter who he chooses, his parents won't like the girl since she wasn't of their choice. *

But like Niksik and other posters have pointed out, before reaching any conclusion about how you're going to deal with this, you must decide whether you want to deal with this at all. Because if it's options a, b or c as I've outlined above...it doesn't matter which. You have a very tough road ahead of you.

Good luck*.Thanks... to be honest, I'm starting to get really fed up. *

Now that he has decided to move back home to his parents house, I fear that they are just faking their slight acceptance of me, to get him home and that they're going to start trying to wear him down again. My family is slowly but surely losing all faith in him as a man. It's just getting worse and worse. :( /QUOTE]

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

GoriLady:

I haven't read all the replies on this thread but when are you going to iftaar? I'm looking forward to seeing what happens there...

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

When you marry a Pakistani, you marry the family. Do you really want this manipulative drama for the rest of your life?

As a general rule, a boy becomes his father. Take a good look at the father. Even if you think your fellow is not like him, believe me, he will become him eventually.

Take a look at his mother. A boy generally choose a wife who is surprisingly like his mother (or the woman who raised him, be it an aunty or grandparent or older sister). If you are not like her, you will fail for that reason.

He is disrespecting you and your time already. It will only get worse after marriage. Because everybody relaxes after the knot is tied - they've bought the cow, see? If you had a female friend who canceled out on you like he does, you wold not cut her as much slack as you are cutting him. Shouldn't a guy who says he loves you and is going to marry you, shouldn't he be held to a higher standard than a mere friend?

Now if you were a manipulative drama queen like his mother, he would not cancel out on you. But is that in your nature?

You mentioned being alone in a new city. Give yourself time to meet people and get a set of friends. Many fish in the sea, and you seem to be the kind of person who deserves a lot better than that family.

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Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?

These kind of situations are very vague.

We need to remind ourselves the writers may not be telling all what is out there between parties involved.

So no need to trash one who is not here to defend his position.

It is interesting to see a few days ago one thread of all lovey dovey and now all of a sudden talk of future divorce. And marriage has not even occurred! :smack: