diwana
August 23, 2010, 2:10am
46
Re: Should I trust him or am walking in to a future divorce?
You’re right Diwana. Here is the honest truth. I really love this guy. When we got engaged, he seemed to appear to be the most perfect person ever for me. While my head is starting to tell me that he maybe doesn’t deserve me, my heart is trying desperately to find reasons for his behavior, reasons that would justify his behavior. I really hoped that it was just a cultural difference hence why i came on here. Honestly, I really want you all to tell me to stay with him and that he’ll become the right guy, that this is normal and not to worry. But let me tell you all another little story that also happened this week when he dropped another bomb on me.
Since we started dating, I have been taking a minute dose of Zoloft- not because I am depressed but because I hurt my neck a few times over the course of my life and now, when I’m tense or stressed, if my neck tenses too much I end up with migraines. The zoloft keeps me slightly calmer so that I do not end up with the sore neck. My career is very erratic and stressful and lends itself to stress (though its getting better). His family has caused major major stress over the past period of time. Since the work stress has been reduced, I would be ready to drop the zoloft if it wasn’t for his family. I never hid that I took the zoloft, I’ve told him since the very beginning. It’s honestly not a big deal to me and I know that I’m not mentally unstable. So, fast-forward over a year of him knowing, and a month after he proposed. We’re sitting in a restaurant the other night and I finally came to a conclusion on how I want to deal with him reserving the right to cancel on me until we’re married. I told him that it made me feel insecure and that it hurt me. I suggested to take a more Islamic approach to the whole situation and cease “dating” all together. I said I want to stay engaged to him and all but that I want to see him more like once a month only in person though that we can still talk on the phone etc. He countered with that he needs to see me stop taking the Zoloft and eventually said that he won’t marry me until I stop. I explained again about the migraines and his family’s role in them and he said that I need to learn to deal with stress. I said I agree but that maybe I will always need to take the zoloft. He said if that is the case, he won’t marry me!?!>?! I was floored. I mean, I never hid this from him. It’s not even like I take a full dose. For anyone who knows anything about zoloft, I take only 25mg/day. Nothing!!! He tells me all this after we’re engaged?! I’m really hurt. We fought alot about it. Then he brought our mutual friend over and she tried to mediate. Finally, it came out that he is worried that the person I am without the zoloft might not love him. Ok fair, I get that. But then when I said I’d stop taking it to show him that my personality changes zero percent on it but that if my migraines get bad, and he isn’t there to even help me feel better (since he has told me that he won’t make firm plans), that I’d need to take it again. He said in that case, he wouldn’t marry me. I feel like he is turning in to a monster a -hole.** His behavior blows my mind. He also told me that nobody should ever take antidepressants, ever no matter what the problem. I told him that fine, I’ll stop taking them but not because he is telling me to. I’m going to stop taking them because I always wanted to anyway, it was just that it became part of my routine and I forgot about it. I kept trying to figure out reasons why he could have such a sudden and intense reaction to this. I asked him if he was worried that if/when I stopped taking them, if he worried that I’d be a different personal (and in such, stop loving him). He said yes that was a fear. He is worried that it will corrode my mind over time and that I will be an unfit mother?! I told hiim that we need to go to serious pre-marital counselling . I’m really concerned that he is going to turn in a control freak now. This behavior is so shocking to me. During all this fighting, I bit my nails . I haven’t done it in yrs but I did it bc I was that freaked out. When he found out, he actually got mad at me?! And said that he it wouldn’t be okay for his wife to do that kind of thing. I’m starting to think, does he even love me? ! I told him that and **he said yes, that he loves me so much and thats why he is fighting so m uch with his parents. **
I think all his sudden bad behavior is stemming from the fact that I started pushing him about setting a nikkah date and he got annoyed, thought I was nagging so that made him have doubts about me. It’s like he is trying his darnest to find fault with me.
Now we haven’t spoken all weekend… I don’t think I can handle this much longer. I’m so sad when I stop and thinking about it/him.
I will reserve my final thoughts on it
Let us consider that what you say is correct bearing in mind that it is still one sided story.
1- You think you love him.
2- He says he loves you.
3- Arguments are not so big.
4- Someone who loves other and thinking marrying does not use word A-hole. Or trash future/potential/prospective husband
5- Blaming on his family for zoloft is not good.
6- Headache does not appear to be migraine. Sounds more like tension headache.
7- Premarital counseling? Useless. You two need to figure out yourself. Ultimately you two are planning to live.
8- Men are men, they may react to someone on drugs like that similarly 25 or 100 mg does not make a difference.
9- Do not convert because of him. Convert only if you want to and convinced. These kind of marriages fall apart sometime later even if it may take 10-15 years if religion is especially involved. You may not stay converted.
10- Go to his house like usual affair. Asking people for a gift is not so smart. Desi people are not aliens from other planet that you have to ask people on internet for gift.
11- Ask yourself if you are up to it for long hall. Getting stressed out and biting nails makes him more nervous about your personality and being future wife.
12- Go to a doctor. You may not need to take zoloft.
13- Consider his stress level also, which could be more than yours.
