So I have this friend who has been there for me through thick and thin. Her family is back home and she lives here with her husband. Besides me, she has no interaction with any Desis or Muslims because she’s one of the ‘liberal’ types and thinks they’ll judge and gossip about her.
I come from a family thats more on the conservative/religious side but we get along very well with her because I’m sort of chilled and laid back when it comes to other people and their beliefs (besides I don’t consider myself anywhere near the position to judge).
I get invited to her dinners/thanksgiving once in a while and I attend to be there for her even though its not the crowd I’m really comfortable with. Over the years, she’s gotten really comfortable with my family because her mom during one of her visits told my mom to take care of her daughter just like her own since she has no one to rely on here. You know how we take our ‘moo-bholee’ relationships so seriously, so ever since then my mom has been treating her like a family member and my sisters are really chill with her as well.
No a couple of days ago, we were both on our way to a dinner and my sister called saying she along with my other cousins wanted to hang out with us and go for dinner together. When I told this friend of mine, she said she didn’t want to hang out with them because she’s not in the mood for ‘islamic chitchat’ with a bunch of nikaabis and hijabis. I was really surprised she would say something like that since never ever do I recall Islam/religion being the topic of discussion between her and my family. If anything, it’s mostly very professional with her and my sister being from the law field. We aren’t the tableeghi sort either so I asked what she meant by ‘Islamic chitchat’ and she said every time she throws the “F” bomb, my sibs and cousins give each other a very uncomfortable look like its a big deal.
Now I really dont know what the Islamic ruling about throwing the “F” bomb is but I’m pretty sure it goes against the social etiquettes of ‘polite’ conversation and it’s exactly why it would make some of us uncomfortable and cringe every time we hear it.
As stupid as this may sound (I almost dont want to write it on here) she also said that all my cousin and sister do is exchange hadiths and nasheeds with each other on fb.
Anyway, I did’t really say anything to defend my family and ended up going to dinner alone with her. But I’m also really dumb and slow and it doesn’t really occur to me that someone actually said something insulting to me until its wayyyyyyyy too late.
So now, almost a week later, it has started to bother me. No matter what sort of a person she is, I have a lot of respect for her because she’s not fake and isn’t the type who would talk crap behind your back (apparently she likes saying it infront of you) But now I just see her as the exact same hypocrite who judged my family when all the while she complained about how muslims and desis are judgmental.
So what do I do now? I can’t really finish my friendship with her because like I said, she’s been a good friend besides that but I dont really respect her anymore. Should I even bring it up with her now?
Explain to her that not feeling comfortable with cursing can also just be a personality thing....and doesn't have to just be about religion. And that taking religion out of it...it's not considered proper etiquette. When she's making an assumption/generalization...tell her. You don't have to be ugly about it.
She complains about your sister/cousin exchanging hadith on FB....so be like "SO? What's the problem? They can do whatever they want on FB. Hadith are just one of many sources of inspiration and guidance. And it's just one of their interests...one aspect of their personality...doesn't define who they are."
The next time that she says Desis are judgmental and hypocritical.....then correct her and tell her that it's a HUMAN trait....present in all human beings....not confined to a particular race and that we ALL make contradictions and judgments. When she gets defensive and says that she doesn't...tell that she has. And then give her examples of when she's displayed that behavior. Again, it doesn't have to be done in a mean way, depends on how you word it. You can bring it up with her if you want. "You know...I was thinking about what you said the other day...it's been on my mind...and here are my thoughts, etc etc." If she's like a "sister" to you...you should be able to talk freely with her about various issues.
You can tell her that saying that about your family bothered you. Clear it out, and the sooner the better. You can also point out that she has never been judged by you or your family, so you feel insaulted that she would say that about yours.
As far as the F word goes, it's def. not a word to be thrown out in a family gathering, even if it is just you and your sisters/cousins. That has nothing to do with religion
Don't waste your time on arguing with her.
Just quietly start distancing from her cuz the way I see it she is using you since she has no other option. if she confronts you as to why you started keeping a distance from her tell her that she don't like to be with some who have no morals and no etiquette.
I read it somewhere "Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."
Red velvet! you're aces mashallah. I think I'm going to do that.
Zobia the distancing away won't work. I'll just look plain stupid especially since i made it seem like I was completely okay with it right then and for a whole week , during which she met me and my family and it was never brought up. Yes I actually am that dumb and I had a sudden epiphany that I ought to feel insulted by what she said, a WHOLE week later.
well now since you have realized her hatred towards your family, so its obvious that its not far that she will give you another opportunity to bash your family.
or may be you can provide this opportunity to her and ask her that your sister is planning a some gettogether, would she like to join, and if she responds as expected and say no then here is your chance to get rid of her.
Lol, I was expecting a reply but I wasnt waiting all that time, I am doing some work too, Lol.
I assumed its some sort of insult? I guess I never thought of googling it however thanks for your rather gracious input although you didn’t answer anything.
Zobia, she never really likes hanging out with groups I tend to go out with since they're mostly people I know from our schools Muslim student association and I know that about her already. I offered it a couple of times and now that I know she doesn't I don't bother anymore and thats completely okay.
What's not okay is for her to judge my family when they're not even like that.
FFFF BOMB.
French Connection UK (with some of the letters scrambled)-bomb.
I'm new here. I don't want to start on a bad note and get banned. Dont make me say it.
Ok. In Manchester we just say it how it is but I know that you could get banned. As I have had multiple warnings about language. I generally find these archaic rulings rather abysmal which don't allow a conversation to flow.
Are you talking about my friend or you two?
This friend isn't just a nobody in my life. She's been there for me and my family through a lot and I for her. Other than these few incidences, she has really given me no reasons to call it all off. However, I do need to talk to her properly about all of this.
As far as you two are concerned. You're all a bunch of awesome people on here. You hold value of course :)
