I know for sure he wont quit cuz he told me straight up that its impossible................. besides that Im just waiting because my dads talking to my chachu i dont know about what but Im giving them time to think about this and they can do whatever they want talk to whoever they want and get satisfied because in the end i know what i have to do...
Re: Should I or should I not?
^ ur such an example Mashallah... i hope it works out for u
aahmed - in our culture sometimes saying "yes" to our parents is just what people are taught as a sign of respect for them.
I know it seems very 12th century but some girls and guys trust their parents 100% to make the right decisions for them in marriage and in careers
Some don't even recognize that they have a say until it's too late.
And sometimes inlaws really don't give the guy and girl an opportunity to talk, you can't argue with them. There's a lack of communication, and the girl, like njgal said is too innocent to say or do anything to disobey her parents
You should leave him. Try to end it, you don't like him.
In my opinion, breaking up with someone who drinks is a valid enough reason, no need for any IFs or BUTs!
And Alhamdulilah it all turned-out well..
Re: Should I or should I not?
O wow. Get married to Shaz1.
Omg I cant believe my dad and my chachu....... well like you guys know Ive been talking to my dad and stuff...... well I was talking to my dad and telling him that I think I should make my own decisions and I really want to take a little control over my life and I want you to be supportive of that..... I told him that I dont wanna kick him out of my life but I want him to encourage me and just support me with I do and will do..... I told him that this is a really difficult decision for me and one of the biggest decisions Im taking and I really need him to stand besides me and just help me through this whole thing......
like always he was like what will my family think and what will they say and this and that ...... and I told him just for once be on my side and try to understand that this isnt about them and their not the one who has to spend the entire life with that person its me and Im not happy....... then he started saying that "mein ounko zaleel kari houn" and all I said was its not my fault that he drinks and about how greedy his family is...... I knew it I already told my sister that it wont matter whose fault is it because in the end my dad is gona blame me, which I was right about and is happening.... so he called my chachu and said I cant handle her and she wants to make her own decisions aur yeh apni marzi ki maalik hai, and he made me talk to my chachu...... thats when I asked him if I was his daughter or chachuz but like always he never had an answer.....
So I talked to my chachu and told him everything and he was like well atleast you can do is talk to your MIL because shes been calling and I told him that I dont want to cuz I know shes gona force my to talk to my husband and I dont wana talk to him....... so hes like well whats gona happen right now is that we'll go over their house and question them about why they didnt tell us that he drinks... and then we'll see what happens.... and Im just sitting here in shock of what these people are doing I mean ive made my decision and I have a reason to do all this and my family is still blaming me...... WTF am I suppose to do I mean these people are living in their own damn world and want everything their way.......
I was thinking that I should just call my husband and tell him straight up that Im done.... I have no other choice, Ive been dealing with all this in a way so that my dad wont get hurt and would understand but nothing gets to his head and all he cares is about him and his family and about other people...... I understand the part when he says that ill get labled as a divorcee but I can live with that..... as long as Im not with a man I hate and have every right to......
I know it's been said before, but keep making dua. It's a powerful thing and especially important right now because of your situation and because it's Ramadan.
This is not going to be easy, as you are finding out. You're going to have to put up with a lot of blame, a lot of emotional blackmail, and whole lot of guilt trips.
Let your father and chacha do what they want. Let them talk to their family until they are blue in the face, let them try to persuade you, guilt trip you, whatever...but you don't waver in your decision. You have made your choice, you want out of this relationship, and you MUST STAY FIRM. If they see you wavering at all, they will zero in on that moment of weakness and very likely try to exploit it by getting you to agree to something that you don't want to do.
I know it's easier said than done, but look at what you've accomplished already. You've come clean with your father and you've been standing by your choice. That's not easy and it shows your strength.
And next time your father starts in on what people will say, you might consider responding with some emotional blackmail of your own..."I'm your daughter. You're supposed to love me above all others and what you are basically telling me is that you care more about what others will say than my happiness and health. I suppose you don't care for me as much as I thought."
What I'm suggesting is actually a pretty dirty tactic, but it might shock your father into realizing exactly what he's asking of you - namely, a lifetime of misery with someone you can't stand. Because I don't think he really gets it right now. He seems to be blind to anything but what people will say. And you know your father best...if you don't think it's a good idea to say something like that or if you think the wording needs to be different...well you know best.
Hope I haven't upset or offended you. That wasn't my intent. Good luck honey.
Wonderz,
Desi parents will say that they "support" you.....but since they consider divorce to be a blemish/stain (stupid thinking on their part)...........their way of "supporting" you is to talk to the guy and his family as opposed to backing up your decision for a separation.
**Mistral **is right. Your chachu and dad can talk to YOU.....your husband......and in-laws......until they are both RAINBOW colored in the face............and it won't change your husband or his family.
As I've mentioned earlier, your husband is an educated ADULT who knows about the detrimental effects of alcohol. But he chooses to drink anyways. Even when YOU, his WIFE, talked to him about his behavior............he didn't take you seriously. People don't change easily, sweetheart. If LECTURES were effective in making people change for the better...........wouldn't there be fewer problems in the world? But that's not the case. If your chachu and dad think that questioning and lecturing your husband and in-laws is going to make them change..............they are very naive in their views.
There is a possibility that their questioning strategy might even backfire. What if your in-laws and husband get soooooo offended by your chachu/dad's questions......that they start treating YOU badly as a consequence? People can become nasty when they feel that their egos have been bruised.
Also, if your husband is materialistic.......it's most likely because that is the way he was raised. In fact, he told you from the very begining that he wants a wife who is beautiful and will make his "image look good in society".....he placed little to zero value on iman, character, and compatibility. When he said that he wants a wife who will make his image look good..................he was thinking mainly of HIMSELF.............he wasn't interested in YOUR EXPECTATIONS of a spouse. His parents have had 50-60 years of being the people that they are........it's going to be very difficult to change any of them.........and that too for a mere "bahu."
Wonderz, you know YOU better than your dad. You've been the good daughter in trying not to hurt him. But let's face it........your dad doesn't know you or understand you. If he did...........wouldn't he consider the qualities you want in a spouse when searching for a rishta. There are many parents........even those who are more involved in their children's lives........that don't understand their children. They have the "It's my way or the highway attitude. You will do as I say. I do not need to consider your opinions or feelings because I, as the parent, already KNOW what is best for you and how you will live your life." I know that your husband and in-laws are materialistic.........BUT.........I ALSO think that your dad is materialistic as well. It is your dad's responsibility to check out the guy's character before agreeing to the match. He can't base his decisions on what chachu says. Also, I wonder if maybe your chachu is materialistic as well. Even if the guy's family did not reveal their bad habits........it was your chachu's responsibility to investigate the guy's character if he was doing the rishta search. But it seems neither your dad nor chachu placed much emphasis on the guy's character and compatibility. They both seemed satisfied that he was good looking and came from a rich family. It's important to be physically attracted to your spouse and have some financial security.......but it's also important to have mental/emotional/spiritual compatibility.
YOU are the one who has spent time with your husband.....not your dad/chachu. YOU are the one who has interacted with him and his parents more regularly..........not your dad/chachu. Therefore............YOU...........know your siutation better than your dad and chachu and better than anyone here on Gupshup. And if YOU know that things are not going to improve............stay firm in your decision.........do not waiver..........and get out.....before you end up having kids with this man.
I have a cousin who was treated like crap by her first husband and his family.........she got married AGAIN to a guy who respects her. I know of OTHER young women who have divorced and remarried. Life won't end if you leave this guy. You can find a more compatible partner in the future.
In the end.......regardless of the emotional blackmail that dad/chachu might inflict on you................the final decision is YOURS because you know your situation better than anyone else in your family or anyone in this thread. Best wishes.
Re: Should I or should I not?
Wonderz , Islam has given women the right to divorce. Yes, it should be the last resort but you can't ignore the fact that the option is there for people like YOU. I'm glad you plan on sticking to your decision. We are all praying for you. Inshallah, things will get better. See how your BIL stepped in unexpectedly, that's a sign that there is hope and Allah is making a path for you to get out of this. Inshallah, it'll all work out.