He might love you and he may be trying to protect you and I can understand that he can't control his parents's actions or attitude. But the one thing he has under his own control are his own actions. Through his words and deeds with you, when it's just the two of you he should be reassuring you. He should manage the relationship with his parents by creating by creating boundaries for them.
By enabling his parents unjustness towards you, he disrespects you and he allows them to continue the status quo - he actually enables their gunnah. How sad that he enables their sins.
He might love you and he may be trying to protect you and I can understand that he can't control his parents's actions or attitude. But the one thing he has under his own control are his own actions. Through his words and deeds with you, when it's just the two of you he should be reassuring you. He should manage the relationship with his parents by creating by creating boundaries for them.
By enabling his parents unjustness towards you, he disrespects you and he allows them to continue the status quo - he actually enables their gunnah. How sad that he enables their sins.
You're right! The thing is though, he's fine with me otherwise beside this whole family thing. He shows me he loves me. Sometimes he brings me things and hides them so his mom wont see and ask, so he does know that she'll create hell or ask for something similar or more expensive! The next big thing is that the "creating the boundaries" part is the hardest part for him. It's not just me who he doesn't stand up for, he's the same with himself too. Even if they say something wrong to him, he doesn't say anything. If you've read a few posts of mine before, you'd see how his parents talk to him quoting Quran and stuff telling him he'll basically go to hell and what jawab he'll give to Allah and stuff like that. They've done that since childhood but apparently out of all the siblings it stuck most with my husband! His personality outside is not like that. Once a cousin of his said something about me looking fat and he put her in her place....and a couple of times his other cousin too and ONCE his sister but never his parents. He says he just can't say anything to his parents no
matter what they do with me or him. Im just afraid to see if he'll ever stand up for his kids IF my in-laws treat them the same.
His parents control him through guilt and fear. They are dictators. Support him breaking free from being bound by guilt and trying to get their approval - he never will.
Busybee: Your story really brought tears to my eyes. I know it's very sad and heart-breaking but at the same time Allah (swt) doesn't burden a soul more than it can bear, you know? I don't want to sound all preachy but that's a fact. The fact is also that after every hardship there's relief, and these are the facts from the quran, from Allah (swt). Trust me, I've been in a very tough situation with getting married to my husband, trying to build a relation with in-laws, and trying to adjust to their views, so I understand it's not easy. But the thing that gives most relief in this situation is the kalaam of Allah (swt). Now, I'm not saying keep reading quran and don't do anything about the situation but please use sabr and don't make any hasty decisions. Your husband seems like a good person. He's fulfilling his rights as a son, which isn't wrong but the way your in-laws are "making" him fulfill them is wrong....so ultimately, your in-laws are wrong, not your husband. Like you said, he can't even stand up for himself. May be he was brought up that way? Your husband's right, he can't change their mentality, it's really hard, especially with desi people. But, most of the things in life can be resolved through talking. Can you bring an elder in between, a relative or an imaam and have a talk peacefully? The imaam can better suggest to your in-laws what their rights are and what your rights are as a wife. Since your MIL quotes quran here and there, may be she can relate better if the imaam talked to her with the same perspective?
There are always solutions to every problem, busybee. Allah (swt) doesn't create a problem without a solution. I know your situation is tough, but Allah (swt) is even tougher with the oppressors. Allah (swt) is the just one, he won't let you deal with all this and let your in-laws have their way forever, no matter how big the rights of parents are. It's sad that the elders who should be an example for the young ones act in this manner. Parents usually let go of their own stuff to keep their children happy but here the case is opposite, may Allah (swt) protect and guide everyone, aameen.
Please continue to do istekhara and go with the flow and please consult an imaam about what you should do in this situation, and consult him WITH your husband present. Then, may be after that you can have the imaam talk to the in-laws in your and your husband's presence too. One thing you have to keep in mind is, no matter what route you take, their behavior won't fix overnight, it's gonna be a long process, but the results will surely come. Keep making du'a. Sabr and du'a are very powerful. I'll keep you in my du'as too.