Re: Should I feel insecure?
BB,
You’ve already seen what happens when you tell your MIL that you like a certain product while shopping. So why did you repeat the same mistake and end up stressing yourself out?
The next time you’re at the mall with your MIL…don’t tell her what you like, in fact don’t provide any positive or negative opinions. Try a reverse strategy. When MIL says she likes something…tell your husband…“Hammad, yeh aap ammi ko ley dain.” Do this several times, not just once. And in front of your MIL, tell your husband…“Ammi ko ice cream (or whatever her favorite food are) khilaa dain.” In other words, let your husband see with his own eyes and hear with his own ears that you do respect/care for his mom. Don’t complain to him about his mom. Let him think k wow my wife cares about my mom, but i rarely hear my mom tell me to buy something for my wife. Let him think k wow my wife is considerate of my mom…let me try to be more considerate of my wife’s needs/wants. Your husband IS ALREADY aware that his mom’s behavior is not right…he admits it…he’s even told you to ignore it. And he’s said that parents come first. So, put them FIRST, bb.
Basically let MIL create drama, while you try to maintain the peace. Let her scream, while you speak calmly and gently. Let her fuss about everything, while you be more tolerant. In other words…you’ll be creating a DIFFERENCE between yourself and your MIL. See if you complain and rant and argue…you’re just doing what MIL is. Your husband doesn’t need to deal with two disgruntled women. Let him only deal with ONE. Let only ONE woman wear/tire him out. And let her wear him out to the point that eventually he sees that he finds peace and comfort in you…and when he sees this difference…hopefully then he’ll be more considerate of your needs/wants.
Your MIL wants to create more work for you…let her. She wants to keep you away from your husband…let her. Then when your husband wants to be alone with you…tell him that oh I’m tired…i was busy with things ammi wanted me to do…or i think it’s better if we don’t as ammi doesn’t feel comfortable with us being alone together n I don’t want to upset her or the home atmosphere. Say this sweetly. Hopefully/eventually your husband will see that MIL’s behavior is affecting him as well.
I don’t think things will improve if you employ the same strategy as your MIL. You’ve tried complaining/venting like your MIL…it worked for her n not for you. You’ve tried a resigned and rather apparent unhappy sabar/tolerance and that didn’t work. Now try combining reverse strategy and taking initiative along with sabar n see how that works.
Lastly, yes I admit that you’d be employing a “strategy” and in a way that does seem wrong…although life isn’t without games. BUT try to internalize this attitude/strategy. In other words…try to make sabar and taking the higher road as part of ypur personality/life…and not just a strategy. I know it’s easier said than done. I don’t agree with the suggestion that you run around doing the same as your MIL and give everyone a taste of her medicine. This is because people naturally have greater tolerance for their parents. He only has one mom, he can’t replace her…a wife on the other hand is. Don’t compete with her..don’t try to turn this into an I’m more superior than his mom. This is not about the type of relation…it’s more about behavior. Parents can make mistakes; they’re not infallible. Think of this more behaving in a better way to make life easier for you and your husband …rather than a scheme to one-up MIL. If you begin to see/treat is as competition…problems will arise.
RV: Oh what should I tell you! I’ve tried these things only to get MILs reverse strategy back. If I be nice and tell hubby ammi ko dila den, she makes faces or hubby tells me (in private) ammi ke maamle mein mat bola karo. So many things man, so many things! I don’t know where to begin and where to end! She’s been out today at a khatam. FIL dropped her. Just now, hubby called and said ammi called him, he’s going from work to pick her up from the khatam and they’re going to the mall. She never called me to tell me anything and hubby didn’t even ask me if I wanna go. FILs somewhere else. So, I’m here alone till God knows when! Only one good thing came out of this though…I was able to vent on GS today without her staring at my laptop and looking at what I’m typing and to who!! Alhamdulillah for that! Arrghhh!