I want to do that but i stop cos i think of my dad and my baby. I think i’m gonna just confront him and fight for myself. I’ve had enough.
I said no at first…i was only 18 at the time and my mom really pressured me saying stuff like “ur dads done so much for u…this will make him so happy” and a lot of my dad’s side of the family did the same. Plus, i didn’t know much about him and he seemed nice. His family was educated and kind…he was decent, didn’t seem psychotic so i said yeah. He really changed after i moved in with him/rukhsati. At the time my parents and I didn’t want the rukhsati to happen cos i was still in 2nd year of uni…my husband felt the same way but his parents were going crazy wanting me to live with him and all. He gave in to what they were saying snd again, my dad gave in to his older brother (FIL). My in-laws are very cultural i guess and they saw me and my husband going out by ourselves as wrong…despite being Islamically/legally married. My dad agreed to the nikkah done purely for that…so it would be ok to go out and we could wait 4-5 years before living together. And at the time my in-laws said that was the best option as well. My husband just cant stand up for me.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
S -
You need to stand up for yourself. I feel as if you and your family have done a lot for your husband. Your husband is probably thinking that if he acknowledges that...he will have to show gratitude and he doesn't want to. You're a girl and your family is after all the larki walay. This is most likely your FIL's teaching. Many families teach their sons to control their wives and the best way is to always keep her on her toes otherwise she'll stop trying to please you. She might realize her value and if she does...you will have to give her importance - so don't let her realize it at all.
I think you guys might have spoiled him a bit as well.
I don't think he should work for your father anymore - he needs to be a man and learn to stand on his own two feet.
He has had two jobs other than working for my dad. He was fired from both bcos he wouldn’t come to work on time, take days off etc. This caused us to go into a lot of debt at one point. We weren’t making payments on time, credit card was being used etc etc. I tried to get a job, but i’m forbidden from that as well. I didn’t argue about it bcos i have a baby and school to worry about anyways…so a job was too much.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
so he isnt contributing anything to your life at all. learn to stand up for yourself or he will trample you for the rest of your life. i think your husband is the main problem, rest in-laws etc are peripheral issues which will get sorted once your husband screws his head on straight.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
Just thought i'd weigh in.
This thing is so dense, I've got no idea what I would even.
I've got nothing to add.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
I think that's the perfect way to put it--he's adding nothing of value to your life except having been a sperm donor (sorry tahts' crude but it's the truth). he barely supports you financially and that's the bare minimum a spouse is supposed to do. What would happen if you stopped doing even the bare minimum?
and honestly--and I'm sure many will disagree to this--your parents don't seem to care much about you as they do about your husband/that rishta. Once you realize that NO ONE will care about you as much as you can care and help yourself--that's when you find the strength to make necessary changes. It's hard but it's worth it.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
Your FIL and family thinks your're a free fund. get everything from her but give nothing back because they've got the daughter married to their son. this sucks. i guess the thing is that you stay strong and don't let it get to you much.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
I guess this is what happens..when ya marry within family. All i can do is pray for you punk. Not sure..but i am assuming separationi s not choice at all in this. So..he has to man up or i am afraid...i don't see this relationship no-where.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
I feel so angry reading this.
Cant you call the US authorities and get him deported or something. You would be better off without him! eurgh.
Yes this is a rash not thought out comment but I am so angry at how he is abusing you and how you are letting him abuse you.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
Pitai karo uski or take your baby on a vacation and leave him alone. Akela baith kar sochta rahe ga.
A psychiatrists appointment is in order
Re: Should i confront my husband?
Pitai karo uski or take your baby on a vacation and leave him alone. Akela baith kar sochta rahe ga. A psychiatrists appointment is in order
This is a guy who knows how to speak sense. agar woh pitai karegi to woh badla lega. I agree a vacation away from him maybe when she has holidays is a good idea.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
The main focus is you and the baby and what would be a good environment. i agree your father should not employ him and let him search on his own..and give him no financial support. Or have your parents talk to his parents but i realise that is out of your control. Does he have friends or elders among his relatives he can trust and that you trust equally? Could you ask them for ways on how to make him be more reasonable? I realise he might angry if you do that so unless its someone you know you can really trust maybe not. Or an imam? Are there any at your nearby mosque who you can discuss this with. Or how about some Islamic marriage counselling..maybe he’d be agreeable to it. liek rahma . org is a US based site but there may be others. It may not be domestic violence but its bordering on emotional abuse and i read the word “slap” was used by him so you can never tell when it may become violent. A lot of domestic abusers appear calm, regular people but you never know what that one thing is that may tip them over. You mentioned you were from the US so this is a site with a list of numbers/helplines/organisations. Def call them, it would be free to even meet up with an organisation from your state. Sometimes it is good to offload on an objective person who is not involved in the situation and can give you some feedback. They usually have psychologists and social workers from similar background who can help in your situation with you plus they offer many classes on things like self defence etc and groups with other women in similar situations who might be able to help. Sounds time consuming but you only need to do what works for you. SAWERA – South Asian Women You might think you’re alone but you’re not. Few speak out against it but many south asian women have been in this situation with in laws and so on. In our culture collectivity is valued over individuality so sometimes we don’t speak out when things are not looking good but we must because doing same action over and over only brings similar results.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
Its not a bad idea to speak to an Imam actually. Usually, I am against that but in our area...I am pretty sure you can find someone who can talk sense into him now. It wasn't like a few years ago but recently I've come across some people who seem to have a more balanced approach.
S, I really hope things get better for you. You haven't said anything that makes me think he cares for you so far. He seems to be in it out of pure opportunity and laziness. I think his parents knew their son very well and found the perfect place for him.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
Listen. Don't do anything rash. I can see that this must be a difficult situation. These are symptoms. The disease is that your husband doesn't know how to be a husband. Imaan makes you strong. I strongly suggest you start to strengthen your imaan and your husbands. Nouman Ali Khan has some brilliant lectures online. Some about marriage. Start watching and learning from them. You be good to him. And inshallah Allah will be good to you. You ate married he's your husband so whatever resentment you have about getting married you have to let go of. Talk to him. A discussion not an argument. You have to communicate. And make him appreciate you by being the best wife possible. He in turn inshallah will realise his mistakes. He has to learn that Allah has given you rights. You have to learn these rights and let him know about them. You are not a servant. You are his partner. He should help you in all things including housework etc. This is Islam. The prophet pbuh used to help his wives in the house too. Make him a better Muslim inshallah he will be a better husband
Re: Should i confront my husband?
My in-laws are the ones who insisted on the rishta. My parents wanted to wait//look around before saying yes...but my dad's other brothers kinda pressured him into it.
Both my brother and sister had rishta's like this and it only ended in tears. Stand up for yourself and dnt let him bully you x
Re: Should i confront my husband?
I think we have something in common. 
Re: Should i confront my husband?
you "overheard" ...... he and your mil are really careless... or you are better than they think :)
and on serious note, perhaps he want you and your MIL deal with each other directly on everyday matters and not through him?