Yes. My FIL and father are brothers. I was born and raised here.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
If he doesn't work, maybe thats the reason why he is acting like a jerk all the time?
He had a job for a while…but then he quit and asked my dad to take him back, so my dad did…thinking of me. He works a 9-5 job. He says that since he works outside of the house and pays the rent/bills etc…i should take care of the home. I agree with him and so i do it…yeah, it’s rough…but he has stresses at work too so i can get it. I dont know. I want to stand up for myself but whenever i do he starts saying stuff like i’m rude and my parents didn’t raise me right. It makes me stop…for my parents sake.
He has a job…but takes 2-3 days off a week…for no reason. He did the same at his other job but they fired him. So he works with my dad. Who doesn’t say anything cos he’s his nephew + my husband.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
He has a job...but takes 2-3 days off a week...for no reason. He did the same at his other job but they fired him. So he works with my dad. Who doesn't say anything cos he's his nephew + my husband.
Do you think it is his personality? or something else is brothering him? Has he been like this since the beginning?
Re: Should i confront my husband?
My mom and dad say the same thing...and i've tried it and continue doing it. However, it's been three years and there doesn't seem to be a change. And i don't know what i'm doing wrong. As i stated before, i do my level best to keep the house, cook and take care of him and the baby. I don't want to fight as that's not my nature...but my husband always goes on the defensive when we start talking about any problem. This leads to him yelling/insulting me and me sitting quietly waiting for him to stop. The one time i did speak back...he called my mother at the same minute and told her to take me away cos i'm badtameez and whatnot. When i ask him if im doing everything fine...at the time he says yeah ur great...i have no problems with u etc etc. Yet then he tells his mom im horrible and says picks fights over nothing.
The stuff in bold is raising a lot of red flags in my mind. Obviously I don't know the full story and your day-to-day interaction with him, but I get the feeling that you have put him on a pedestal, and he is treating you like a servant or dependent. You are not something he purchased at the supermarket that he can return whenever he wants. Seems like he does not respect you at all.
As a first step, you should stop feeling inferior to him. You are taking care of the baby and going to university and doing your best to keep the house running - that is no mean task. You should be proud of yourself! Not a lot of women have the motivation/energy to study after having a baby, so really kudos to you for that. Start respecting yourself - only then will others respect you.
It seems like the issues in your marriage are made worse by the interference of your inlaws. Is it possible to reduce contact with them for some time, and focus on yourself and your husband? Maybe even move away or at least take a vacation together.
Another option would be to talk to a counsellor, but from what you've said about your husband, convincing him may be a tough task.
He wasn’t like thia before we lived together. During the time after nikkah, when he was in pakistan, he was a completely different person. Calm, caring, just generally mild-mannered. I dont know what has changed. Sometimes i think my uncle asked for my rishta purely to get his son to the US.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
^ yeah. it seems he ie taking advantage of the fact that you are working and your parents are here and will cave in to his demands (ie- giving him a job, not discussing matters).
you really need to stand up to him for your sake and your child's sake. maybe you can push him to get another job and not work with your dad? maybe you can push him to help you out with the baby while you cook/clean/do homework.
how do his parents and your parents interact, considering he is your chachu?
Re: Should i confront my husband?
Your husband seems to be the problem/have the problem, not his parents.
My situation in regards to set up was/is very similar to yours... all comes down to how he treats you/supports you etc. He has the power to make him mother think that you are doing a great job (which you are). And what is this nonsense about him not working and lying to them.
I agree…but he never makes them see or feel as if i’m a good DIL or wife. He was saying my cousins wife is amazing…she asks after everyone despite being from another family and not knowing anyone etc. He said i’m not like that. However, i added his extended family on facebook and talk to them regularly…congratulate them on weddings and babies and Eid etc. I don’t go and call them cos he doesn’t do that either so i feel it would be awkward. Anyway…my point is i try to be inclusive and attentive to his family but he doesnt tell his mother that. I have a feeling she thinks im a stuck up b**** cos he doesn’t tell her.
And he doesn’y have the guts to ‘disappoint’ his father by telling him he skips work so he lies and forces me to lie as well when my FIL calls and asks if he went to work. I told my FIL the truth one time and my husband amdy in-laws got on me about covering for your apouse being an Islamic duty.
have tried to ask for his help…he gets angry and says i shouldn’t think of him as a servant.
My parents dont discuss anything with him cos after my husband and dad had their falling out..y husband called my FIL and told them my dad tries to control his life…and my FIL got angry at this called my dad…blew up at him. My dad said some stuff back and they don’t speak anymore. My in-laws and parents dont speak to each other basically.
My in laws live in Pakistan. He calls them everyday and i dont have a problem with that. I just dont get why he didnt stand up for me. I’ve done my best to be the perfect wife…done whatever he asks of me.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
H I want to stand up for myself but whenever i do he starts saying stuff like i'm rude and my parents didn't raise me right. It makes me stop...for my parents sake.
You don't have to prove to him or anyone else what kind of job your parents did raising you. That is noone's business!!!!
He seems to be taking advantage of you and your family, but I think you already know that. You have to speak up and defend yourself. I am not saying throw a fit every time an argument comes up but if he thinks you are badtameez for standing up then that should be his problem not yours. He thinks he can insult you, make you shut up and get away with it because you have let it happen so far. Again not suggesting you fight but you somehow need to let him know, you won't take his attitude. I feel horrible for your situation, hope things get better iA, good luck!!
Re: Should i confront my husband?
I dont see this being the ONLY issue you need to confront him with. Why have you let yourself be a doormate all this time ? it is good you have been trying to compromise and maintain peace in all ways possible but you need to set a limit to all the insults. This wont be healthy for your child to see either. What his family thinks about you is their problem. All you need to do is maintain a healthy relation and environment in your home.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
Oh the complications … If you’re afraid to get labeled as badtameez etc etc. then dont confront him, but then dont expect him to change or stand up for you either. I think there are deeper family issues here, as you guys are related and your and his parents not speaking to each other probably is also adding some fuel to the fire. Was your chachi happy with this rishta? Or is it your chacha who insisted on this?
I guess I will never understand this whole “oh you didnt speak to my parents/aunty/uncle/cousins bla bla on this occasion or that occasion” .. 
Desi families are huge .. kis kis ko phone karen!?
Re: Should i confront my husband?
i do agree that you have bigger problems than this. Your husband doesnt seem to be the type who will listen to u. confronting him will further worsen ur problems.
But as he is ur husband and more importantly the father of ur child, u have to work on ur problem. Slowly but steadily make ur husband realize the importance of u and ur child, ur home, ur family everything.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
from what i've read, it seems like he only married you to get a visa and now he's just abusing you and your parents. i think your father shouldnt let him work at his company. he should go look for a job on his own! you guys are spoiling him. he should know how it feels to have to work. You cant have a visa handed to you and a paycheck without having to work and then in return, instead of being greatful to you and your family, he's acting like a complete brat. aah the crap paki parents put their kids through just to have a rishta done with their bro/sister. ask him if he'd like to go back to pakistan...thats where he belongs... he's mentally abusing you and making you think you're imperfect, when he's a selfish brat. he sees that he can abuse you guys and get away with it. if he had to survive two days on his own he'll come running back. have his green card cancelled...seriously.
Re: Should i confront my husband?
It may not be physical, but there's definitely mental/emotional abuse there.
What aws it that made u agree to the rishta in the first place?
My in-laws are the ones who insisted on the rishta. My parents wanted to wait//look around before saying yes…but my dad’s other brothers kinda pressured him into it.