Yesterday I found out through my brother-in-laws facebook message to his friend that he and my mil are coming from Pakistan this week: in about 3 or 4 days.
I asked fiance and he knew nothing about it. So basically, he also found out through me. I was aware that since he’s the youngest and lives on his own, he’s always been kept out of the loop with his family. I never liked this aspect of their behavior towards him; he’s an adult and should be treated like an one, especially when it’s about something important pertaining to his life more than anyone else’s (the trip is for our wedding).
If they’re coming in three days, this means sometime next week they will be planning to visit my family to discuss nikkah and wedding dates, which is not fair to me or my family either. We should have been given a heads up. My cousin is getting married next month and we can’t plan anything this last minute if that’s what they’re going for. I don’t understand how they can be this negligent towards him or me.
Although he rarely will say it out loud, I can tell it really bothers him too sometimes, especially since he lives on his own in the middle of nowhere and has no family or friends around. He doesn’t find out about the main events in the family until way after the fact. I see how much he cares about them all and is always there for them. Mashallah he’s very mature for his age and most of them turn to him for advice but at the same time, when it’s time for sharing anything major, he’s completely forgotten.
He can be his altruist self all he wants but sometimes I just want to snap at him or say something to his family. Especially now!
So should I just let this go again and pretend it’s all good with me when they pop up at our door next week or so or should I actually say something about it. As happy as we both are that they’re finally coming (we have been waiting for months on this only for something retarded to pop up and for them to delay their visit again). So maybe I wouldn’t want to make that big of a deal about it. But I just have this really strong urge to speak up for him. I have never interfered before because I don’t want to be the person causing fitna between him and his family but my patience with them has reached a low ebb at this point.
Please advise or tell me how I can calm myself down. I thought typing it on here would be therapeutic somehow and my anger would resolve into a less harmful route as I type, but I’m getting angrier instead!
Did they want to surprise you both? If you think that saying something will upset them and make them delay things even more....then don't say anything. OR....you could say it in a nice way that doesn't seem like a complaint but still can give them a hint...such as "If we only found out sooner that you were coming...we could have planned a bit better to make your visit more enjoyable."
I know someone with same issues, maybe little worse. Its just that in your case they are coming to talk about your nikkah, but in his case no one care till he started to ruin his life, but still at the end they showed as if they were not his family, acted more like strangers showing that they have done enough by letting him marry. He managed all his marrige on hiw own, not a peny was spent on him or his wife from his family. But in his life i see the role of his wife really strong. She knew everythying but never interfere just told him that with her at his side he needs no one. Not only that after marriage they got seperated. She worked so hard to manage their marriage life perfectly, she really made that saying come true that "Behind every scuessful man there is hand of a woman". She mainly did 2 things. First dint interferre in any way with his family and dint let them interfere either, and she did all this without having any fight. I advise you the same, focus on that person only and make him realize that with you in his life, he needs no one :) May you both live a happy life. Just ignore those people.
They are coming to ask your family for dates ; the things are not final yet ( which you have made up in your mind )
And Even if they finalize it early ; you will for sure come to know that these plans are made by Almighty and there would be some thing best in your interest - ( that you might come to know later )
so chill - and calm down :)
Plan and enjoy your cousins wedding - that coming up :)
so how do you know that they keep him out of the loop or its just his nature to not get too involved? There always is a sibling who want to keep low profile in the family and if he/she is living alone, far from the family, it does not help.
too many speaking-to-SO’s-family-on-his/her-behalf-because-he/she-does-not-speak-out type threads poping up these days. Why cant we leave the relationship b/w a person and his/her family to them unless something drastic going on? If a person is cool with his/her relationship with family and do not wan to spice up things, SO should keep out of this.
Where are they coming from and to which country they are travelling may have a huge role in this! lol, believe it or not but here (I live in Canada), a lot of people do NOT say anything about visiting to pakistan to ANYONE until they are on their way there. The reason being is that people here are known to load you up with stuff they wana send to their family in pak etc. if they find out you are going to pak.
Anyhow, that may not apply to you if you don't live in pak and they arent coming from overseas.
Another reason could be just that they really want to surprise you all. Like you said, you had been waiting for a long time for them..maybe they just want to surprise you by coming over.
It is not a big deal. You are not living in their family right now so you don't exactly know how they treat your fiance. Most of it is based on just what you hear etc. I am assuming. I would say this is always a very sensitive time for all the family members involved (when the marriage date etc. is being set up) and wise thing to do would be to just stay quiet about it and let things go smoothly.
Your fiance is mature enough to speak for himself, so if he wants, let him do the talking with his family.
If your fiance has “always” been kept out of the loop…then this is nothing new and has NOTHING to do with you. That’s just how his relationship has been with his family. And your fiance, being an adult himself, has CHOSEN not to discuss the matter with them. So if he doesn’t care enough to take steps to fix this with HIS family…it would be stupid of you to get involved and start drama.
Grass is not always greener on the other side. Many women out there wish they had in-laws who stayed away and didn’t constantly interfere in their lives. Instead of seeing this as a “bad thing”…consider it a blessing. Focus on making your relationship with your fiance stronger.
Since you’re no where close to being married (ie. the date hasn’t even been finalized yet)…you have no right to bring up any issues to HIS family regarding him. Until the nikahnama is signed, technically you’re not part of his family and have no right to tell them how they should behave with one of their own.
IF they choose to visit your family…and if the visit is such an inconvenience for your parents, then your mom and/or dad themselves need to speak up. But you yourself do not do, say, or hint at anything that can potentially cause a rift in the situation.
However, you cannit change people nor point out what needs changing. You can only control how you react to it. If he knows and expects this from his family I would just concentrate of being his rock and then making it up to him by letting him buy you pretty shoes. I don't think anything but headache can be gained from trying to 'fix' family politics.
The thing with inconsiderate people is that they will always be inconsiderate, therefore you will have plenty of opportunites to pick and chose which inconsiderate action is worth having a battle with. As sucky as this one is, I don't think it's worth a battle, for his sake more than yours.
She isn’t their daughter in law yet. She has no history, no real bond, nothing really.
If you’re married, husband is really mistreated by his parents and you get angry, I understand. You might get upset and say something without thinking.
But you’re engaged…you really want your MIL to look at you as the woman who might potentially stuff her son’s ears with garbage against her?
If you say something, you will look like a trouble maker so do not.
or tell me how I can calm myself down. I thought typing it on here would be therapeutic somehow and my anger would resolve into a less harmful route as I type, but I’m getting angrier instead!
why?