Should I be upset on his behalf?

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: Should I be upset on his behalf?

@STA

unhon nay achi tarah say explain kiya. app to bold kar kay bhag gaye thay chai peenay.

acha acha UNHOON nai achi tarha explain keya tha

anhaan

[BlueBells]

Re: Should I be upset on his behalf?

@Paheli00

1. If your fiance has “always” been kept out of the loop…then this is nothing new and has NOTHING to do with you. That’s just how his relationship has been with his family. And your fiance, being an adult himself, has CHOSEN not to discuss the matter with them. So if he doesn’t care enough to take steps to fix this with HIS family…it would be stupid of you to get involved and start drama.

2. Grass is not always greener on the other side. Many women out there wish they had in-laws who stayed away and didn’t constantly interfere in their lives. Instead of seeing this as a “bad thing”…consider it a blessing. Focus on making your relationship with your fiance stronger.

3. Since you’re no where close to being married (ie. the date hasn’t even been finalized yet)…you have no right to bring up any issues to HIS family regarding him. Until the nikahnama is signed, technically you’re not part of his family and have no right to tell them how they should behave with one of their own.

4. IF they choose to visit your family…and if the visit is such an inconvenience for your parents, then your mom and/or dad themselves need to speak up. But you yourself do not do, say, or hint at anything that can potentially cause a rift in the situation.

5. Why doesn’t your fiance have any friends?

First off, thank you everyone for your advice and valuable input.
I was able to calm down and not make a big deal about it. Life is too short to fret these little things over.
I’m just glad that they’re here (although I wasn’t personally told until a day after they got here) but at least I’ll be seeing ‘the dude’ soon. I haven’t seen him since last thanksgiving, because his family kept telling him to wait since they’re going to be here soon. This had been going on for months, so you can understand why I would be a little upset.
It’s not a matter of just him getting affected. Its an inconvenience to make time, make sure family is around when they decide to come etc., so it’s pretty annoying. The trip was getting delayed for months because someone was either having a baby, marital problems, or their inlaws were in town, and we kept quiet about it all this time. Never complained to him or his family even once, so if this doesn’t attest to my patience, I don’t know what does.

Either way, I’m not going to worry about it. He’s in my life ah and that’s all that matters.

Paheli,
I really don’t mind the interference. It may seem odd but I want them more involved in our lives.

About the making friends part, it’s sort of a long story but he’s had to live in 3 different countries within the last decade. Unfortunately, in the few years he spent in Pakistan, he lost his dad and had to move back to the US and live on his own etc. He had a lot of friends in college and liked going out and stuff but this experience has left him quite traumatized. Ah he’s getting out of his depression and getting back on track but the area he’s moved to now for work has a very small muslim population and most of them are married families; not a very conducive environment for a single guy to make friends in. He has a friend from work and they meet up on a weekly basis but that’s it for now.
You were going to psycho-analyze him weren’t you? all good. I do appreciate your response though.

[BlueBells]

Re: Should I be upset on his behalf?

Did they want to surprise you both? If you think that saying something will upset them and make them delay things even more....then don't say anything. OR....you could say it in a nice way that doesn't seem like a complaint but still can give them a hint...such as "If we only found out sooner that you were coming...we could have planned a bit better to make your visit more enjoyable."

This wasn't a surprise unfortunately. That's what I thought in the beginning too, because despite his few calls after he found out through me, they still didn't bring the trip up. They had just forgotten to tell him.

I don't think I'm going to bother hinting around at this point. It's just best to walk on seashells because like you said, this could cause more problems.
Although I don't agree with being a pushover and letting your family give you the short end of the stick just because you're the youngest and according to them, your problems might not be as big as theirs, I guess it's just wise to be patient with these kind of things.

[BlueBells]

Re: Should I be upset on his behalf?

@Decent_6Chora

so how do you know that they keep him out of the loop or its just his nature to not get too involved? There always is a sibling who want to keep low profile in the family and if he/she is living alone, far from the family, it does not help.

too many speaking-to-SO’s-family-on-his/her-behalf-because-he/she-does-not-speak-out type threads poping up these days. Why cant we leave the relationship b/w a person and his/her family to them unless something drastic going on? If a person is cool with his/her relationship with family and do not wan to spice up things, SO should keep out of this.

God. …too many Nadz in making …

DC bro, this is the second time you’ve unnecessarily lashed out at me in my threads. I know this is a free forum and you might feel the urge to exercise this right to the fullest, but your behavior is not going to help me in taking your advice/response seriously. If anything, I’ll stop reading altogether.
I like to keep my online demeanor as polite as I do in my real life and talking to people in a rude tone just takes me out of my comfort zone. So please help me out here

[BlueBells]

Re: Should I be upset on his behalf?

@Milly

Sucks.

However, you cannit change people nor point out what needs changing. You can only control how you react to it. If he knows and expects this from his family I would just concentrate of being his rock and then making it up to him by letting him buy you pretty shoes. I don't think anything but headache can be gained from trying to 'fix' family politics.

The thing with inconsiderate people is that they will always be inconsiderate, therefore you will have plenty of opportunites to pick and chose which inconsiderate action is worth having a battle with. As sucky as this one is, I don't think it's worth a battle, for his sake more than yours.

@partyslims

What Milly said. Sucks big time, but you stay out of it.

Even if he expresses his frustrations about his family, it's okay. But if you do it openly, nothing good will come of it.

hugs just because I felt like it and because you guys are awesome.

[Paheli00]

Re: Should I be upset on his behalf?

@BlueBells

Paheli, I really don't mind the interference. It may seem odd but I want them more involved in our lives.

About the making friends part, it's sort of a long story but he's had to live in 3 different countries within the last decade. Unfortunately, in the few years he spent in Pakistan, he lost his dad and had to move back to the US and live on his own etc. He had a lot of friends in college and liked going out and stuff but this experience has left him quite traumatized. Ah he's getting out of his depression and getting back on track but the area he's moved to now for work has a very small muslim population and most of them are married families; not a very conducive environment for a single guy to make friends in. He has a friend from work and they meet up on a weekly basis but that's it for now. You were going to psycho-analyze him weren't you? :) all good. I do appreciate your response though.

LOL.....grass is always greener on the other side isn't it. :) Those with in-laws far away wishes they were more involved......while wives with "too involved" in-laws wishes they would move away.....lol.

Nah....not going to pscho-analyze him...I'm not a shrink. :) I have several family members who went into social isolation after moving to the U.S. due to various issues (refusing to mingle with non-Muslims was one of them). And years later...today their personality/life outlook is a total disaster. So whenever I hear that someone doesn't have friends or people they hang out with....it always gets my attention. Please encourage him to go out and mingle with people or get involved in activities where he will meet others (professional organizations, gym etc.).

Good luck with the visit! I hope both sides finalize everything soon! :)