Should i be hurt?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Asalam o Alaicum brothers and sisters

I dont know if you guys remember me, although i have been a member for a while, i only pop up when i have a dilemma in my life…for which i really need and trust your valuable advice.

Since these are matters I cant discuss with anyone else, ur advice would be much much appreciated…Jazak Allah Khairan.

I have been married for a few years now with one child and one on the way Insha Allah. I have always blindly trusted my husband on every issue. Its just the impression he gave me and the relationship we have shared where i thought i could close my eyes and have faith in him and he will never do me any wrong.

A few months ago i noticed when he would get calls from a certain number he would either pretend he never knew who it was or if i were in another room, he would whisper and talk to this person. This person whom i later found out to be a female colleague of his from work.

I confronted him about it as i also came to know that he had lied to me and met up with her outside of working hours.

He denied it completely…it hurt as i knew he was lying. At that point he promised me that he would never meet female colleagues out of work as his fmaily life was much more important to him than any friendship.

a few days back he started receiving mails from this colleaague about how he is such a good friend and e-cards with hearts and friends forever signs and messages ending with, ur darling blah blah…

When i checked his phone, he seems to talk to her on a daily basis…

Now this colleague is amarried woman, but for personal reasons has to live aprt from her husband due to work commitments, although they do see each other on a monthly basis. I know that maybe she has been having problems with her husband or work which she may need to share with my husband. But why all the secrecy.

When i saw the endearing and pathetic UR DARLING e-cards yesterday, it was the last straw…i burst into tears and confronted him. He denied any affair going on although he admitted he had been out to dinner with her a few time while i thought hew was out with some male frineds. He claims he lied to me since he knew i would not approve and didnt want to hurt me. But stressed there was nothing going on apoart from friendship. The reason they went out for dinner was because of a busy schedule at work meant they had no time to talk or discuss matters at work.

I hate this lady now and feel i have been totally made a fool of by my husband whom i thought was the ONLY person i could ever trust 100 per cent in this world.

I dont feel like talking to him, when i see his face i imagine hers too and it makes me sick…

My questiom#n to you is, should i feel hurt or am i overreacting. I cant help the way i feel becausei am so damn honest with him about everything.
I may forgive him for lying but i will never forive him for abusing my trsut , i will never forget and am most likely never to trust him easily ever again whioch is an insult to the sacred relationship i once shared with him.

Please help me…

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Re: Should i be hurt?

aight done * .. wel i m realy sry to hear wat that khota has been upto ... but i bet that gul proly is much more cuter innit :D sry sry !! but if the dude confess n realizes wat he was into .. n determin not to betray ur trust anymore .. then u shud make up with him na .. i mean if u realy wana keep ur life on flow with the same dude ... u got to step ahead n let go !!! or ull just make ur own life living hell . ** just wat i think **

Pak has terrorist camps, says China for first time
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Re: Should i be hurt?

i know its a lot to read my brother im sorry, but i would appreciate ur advice if any....

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Re: Should i be hurt?

nai nai .. i was just messin around na .. sry !! n i added my beautiful thoughts already :slight_smile: .. Allah make it all ez for u anty saab !

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Re: Should i be hurt?

Shakal o soorat to Allah ki dein im not going to comment on that...aur jab dil kisi pe aana ho to khoti pe bhi a sakta hai....

I guess ur advice is right, but its just so tough. He promised to stop outiside female friendships before and still continued ...how do i know he isnt lying now???

Anyway thanx a lot for ur help, and taking out the time....

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Re: Should i be hurt?

His insecurities probe him to have female friends who'd make him feel a Man.

Not worth your time at all. Kick him out and let him be cooked for and looked after by his 'friends'

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Re: Should i be hurt?

I am sorry to hear what is going on. But someone I know went through a similar situation. I think in some guys nature they just love being around people of the opposite gender. My friend's husband used to always have comments about other peoples wives and had been through several similar situations as you have described.
I think right now it is important for you to not give up for the sake of your kids. I think that if you leave him this will affect the future of you and your children...so I would think ten times before taking a step like that. You have to be strong and stick with it.
The best thing to do is probably confront him and ask him why he does what he does. Ask him if you are lacking something that he needs or looks for. Possibly try to make him fall in love with you again by doing something special. I know its easier said than done. These are just some of the things I can think of.

Best thing you can do is pray and ask for Allah's guidance.

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Re: Should i be hurt?

Yeah the kids future is looking bright already, living at a home where its okay for a dad to flirt with other women and the mum is sad and depressed. What excellent infleuences.

:rolleyes:

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Re: Should i be hurt?

thanx pyari

i know where u r coming from, and i do everything in my ability as far as the house, kids and looking smart are concerned. I used to be a TV presenter/DJ so trying to look good in general are things im used to doing.

I dont mean to be proud, MAy Allah forgive me, but people always compliment me on the way i present myself so in that sense i dont knwo where im going on wrong. The house is always ship shape and kid always smart and clean
Masha Allah.

I think he thrives on being given importance and attention by other women, and the stupid ladies have no morality that instead of curbing it, they further fuel it by going out on dinner imnvitations with him whilst me and my child are bored to death at home.

Allah sabko poochey, i am feeling no remorse and am just becoming more hardened by the minute....

If Im sincere and try my best and i am not getting it back then to hell with everything. Im not saying leaving him is an option because of my kids...far from it.....

But i think it is possible live under a roof and put on an act for the world and for the kids.

Sure my life will be miserable, so be it.

Sheyn k ley...
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Re: Should i be hurt?

hmmm dont be so upset. Women are generally very good in creating situations and get sympathy from men. Somehow, men tend to be falling for those tricks.

My advice is that you start smsing him while he is at work so he is reminded of your presence in his life. Sms him about your day, ask him about his day. Maybe he wont reply u in the beginning and say he is busy. If so, then start smsing or calling about the child. That she/he is crying and u cant handle it etc etc.

Call him and tell you are not feeling well cuz of pregnancy. Tell him to buy you something on his way home so even if he is with that girl, he is reminded of u and he cant even hide it from her. Ask him to buy stuff to u that only a husband buys to his wife so that girl can find out that he is married and has a life with his wife!!

Trying to look good and make the house a nice place to live in is a good start. But I guess men need activity all the time. Maybe its becoming a routine for him to go home everyday and meet the same stuff day in and day out.

He needs more challenges than that. Challenge him intellectually. This lady seem to be intelligent. She has a cool job, living on her own so she must be very independent. You need to be at that same level of intelligence and independence. And I am sure you are. Just show him!!!

Find some interesting topics to discuss with him. Is he interested in religion?sports?anything he in crazy about. Go dig into that and challenge him be becoming an expert in that. He will notice this change.

So dont just stop your development there. Married life should be much more than shining house, food ready on time and a tip top looking wife/husband.

I hope u r getting my point:) Go get him:D

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Re: Should i be hurt?

I think you need to stop being Miss nice Lady and kick some MF ass :mad:

I swear.. MEN are the most horrible thing ever.

A lovely pretty looking wife at home, beautiful child with one coming and laad sahib is out flirting with someone else’s retards! :mad:

okkk honey.. Sit him down.. Tell him whats going on, tell him how you feel.. and tell him if he aint gna change.. its Your way or the high way.. If he leaves.. that should tell you something.. if he stays.. tell him the trust you had has gone.. and he needs to rebuild it.. i.e. - finish work and get thy ass straight home!!!

If he’s so enchanted by female company.. he can take YOU out.. Get someone to baby sit and give him the love and attention he needs.. :rolleyes:

As for you stay at home with the kids whilst his lordship is covorting.. DONT allow urself to be abused like that - you sound so nice.. you deserve better :slight_smile:

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Re: Should i be hurt?

Mem Saab, it never helps to yell and shout or tell them they are sick. Instead I think feroza should confront him when she has him in the trap.

First create an attractive environment for him, then tell him how hurt you have been.

Or maybe just confront him telling him you are feeling alone with the child and the pregnancy.Keep rubbing it in.One day he will get it. But I still dont think there is ground for leaving him yet as one party should bear over...u got kids together man!!

Shikraaa
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Re: Should i be hurt?

CHameli..I didnt suggest she shout at him.. I said confront him, thats different.

Trap shrap.. shes not the trap setting type I dont think.. upfront and honesty seem more her thing.

Why should she create an attractive environment? Has he no control? I mean comon... Im ALL for improving relationships.. but its like saying its her fault that hes enjoying other ladies companys.. - why couldnt he just say be open and honest with her and tell her that he would like to take his wife out and enjoy time with her.

Shikraaa
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Re: Should i be hurt?

Feroza, this is a grave grave grave misuse of your trust on his part.

She isnt just a female friend, tell him to break off all contact with her if he doesnt wanna risk his marriage with you.

Be strong and firm on this...

I am sorry for your troubles and may Allah provide some ease in the future, Ameen.

Shikraaa
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Re: Should i be hurt?

I’m really sorry to hear that Feroza :hug: I don’t know what I would do in your situation but you seem to be a such a strong woman. His butt needs to be kicked from here to Timbuktoo, but that’s not the solution. I hope for your sake he comes to his senses, and that this woman leaves him alone, but until he doesn’t realise his mistake he may continue the habit. And I’m not sure what will make him realise. Maybe some of the men here should impart some advice.

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Re: Should i be hurt?

I havent read all the replies but feroza, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. All I can say is, hang in there!
I am not sure how I would react in your situation, may Allah forbid. I also think that when your husband says she is just a friend etc etc., ask him to invite her over for dinner sometime or ask to meet her. If she is away from her family doesnt mean she has to go around messing up other family lives. I am not sure what she is thinking but does she even know your husband is a married man with kids? I absolutely can never belive it when a woman does this to another woman!
Meanwhile, I dont have any worthwhile advice to give you. I do pray that may Allah take you through this safely and give your husband some hidayat. Make lots of dua and be firm iwth your husband: its either going to be you and the kids or that other woman.

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Re: Should i be hurt?

This is a tricky situation.

You've already talked to him about your feelings on his "friendship" with this other woman, yet he continues to maintain a relationship with her. I find it incredibly disrespectful on his part to put you through this knowing how you feel. Regardless of whether he's having an affair or not, he should end his friendship/relationship with this other woman ASAP. You and your child together should be his first priority.

I get the feeling that this other woman is manipulating him and making him feel like he is needed since she's currently undergoing problems in her own relationship, and he likes it. Of course, we don't know all the facts ... this is just my guess.

Yelling, screaming and crying may only push him away further. This is something he needs to realise on his own; the consequences of his actions and their effect on you.

You need to talk to one another calmly and don't just make accusations (however sure you are of whatever is going on). Ask him what he see's in her and why he feels the need to maintain a friendship with her despite knowing how you feel.

Have you met this woman? If he insists on still going out for dinner with her, ask if you can join them. Maybe seeing you together will make the other woman realise what she's doing (assuming she hasn't already).

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Re: Should i be hurt?

Walekumasalam,

His behavior is inexcusable. It doesn't sound like he is having a full blown affair with her, looks like you retarded efforts on that front. I wouldn't meet the woman, she probably already knows that he is married and the point is for him to realize what he is doing, not her. I would instead involve a trusted family member, someone your husband trusts and respects as well and to whom you can both talk about the situation and sort the matter out so that you are not alienated from each other. Talking to your spouse, appealing to emotion and logic, doesn't always work.

Please get someone involved, it doesn't look like your husband is valuing the marriage much so I really don't think talking to him will help much. But you should get his permission and make sure he is okay with you talking about it to someone otherwise secrecy on your part will create more problems.

Good luck.

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Re: Should i be hurt?

oh man

why the heck do men do this?

i dont know what advice to give you…my prayers r with you :flower1:

there are others in your boat too…i know two married guys like this. they’re both into extra marital relationships. one of them is a dad of three. their wives dont know.

have FAITH in ALLAH and have faith in YOURSELF :flower1:

INSHALLAH Allah zaroor aap k haq mein behtri karay ga aur aap ko sakoon de gaa aaameen

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Re: Should i be hurt?

I just wanted to add something, there may be problems he sees in the marriage that you don't realize. Maybe this is cruel (and it's not to excuse his behavior) but he may see some shortcomings on your part. Intimacy, taking care of your body, spending time with him, etc. So you should try to get those things out in the open as well. Sorry for stressing this over and over again, but please get someone involved! I think, ironically, that would improve communication and honesty between you two, because he won't feel as defensive and you won't feel as hurt when someone else is there who knows you both personally and can look at the bigger picture, can be trusted with things that your husband doesn't feel comfortable telling you, such as the full nature of his relationship with the woman.

Regards,