Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Lifestyle Relationships
101

good job ppl! guy has him self figured out.

now lets chase after Missi, I mean how dare she??

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

GSUK life is abt balance. no one is perfect. i bet she has found many traits in YOU that she is not particularly excited abt u know? plus u know what is gud for u is not necessarily gud for her. i mean its abt one's thinkin also. so no one can b perfect over all.
i was a bit taken back that she wud expect u to wish and send gifts to her family on birthdays etc. maybe she thinks ure earnin v well there and can afford all of that. i bet she wudnt think this way if u were an average earner or from Pakistan. i wudnt agree wit this kind of thinkin of hers. maybe u need to tell her v calmly that she is expectin a bit too mch. also try to explain her to try to make mends with ur family. not that u want her to back down or show that the girl's side is desperate but explain that this is done only to bring harmony in the relations. tell her there is no harm in initiating a positive thing. also try sayin this to ur parents also who EQUALLY need a reality check. they need to atleast maintain cordial relations with ur in laws, for your SAKE!!
i think ur wife is being unreasonable in her request for gift. tell her ure a guy and if u remmber her bday and anniv, she shud consider herself lucky... say this in a joking way, nothin serious alrite. and pls its imp that u think frm her point of view also. indirectly try to see what she finds negative in u and indirectly u let her know hers. that way both of u know what displeases one another and work on that. hope that helps.

103

Okay, so why dont you do something about this situation? Like for instance, if she wants you to send her family presents and call them for their birthdays...simply say you're too shy or not good with dates. Why doesnt she wish them on your behalf? I dont just say Happy Birthday to someone and be done with it, I always include my husband and say its from BOTH of us...even if he said no such thing. Unless its your MIL, FIL, SIL or BIL...I wouldnt worry too much about extended family and cousins. You can call them out of courtesy but you're not required to send all of them presents!

Teach her these things by doing them yourself. If there is some sort of a birthday, anniversary or event coming up in your family, tell her you gave a present or wished someone on her behalf as well.

Regardless, you're just going to have to make sure you dont become part of this bloody war between the inlaws by taking anyone's side openly. Be just, be fair and most of all...stay away from the petty arguments!

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Yeah! But some women love to be controlled, in a good way! They may not respect men who are very easy! I am afraid it may open a Pandora box though!

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A slong as you keep trying to be impartial. And it may be a difficult thing to do depending on your closeness to the family.

Think of this way, you have done something big for the family by listening to them to marry someone of their choice.

Now it is her turn to not be let down by your immense love or respect for your family.

Marrying on family's choice does not mean you have to live for, or believe your whole life whatever they tell you. Now it is your personal family life.
You choose how you want to live with your wife. Share the life with her.

Your parents had good time, it is now your turn to have good time.

If you sit back and see things from distance these red flags may not be so important and very trivial. As long as there is nothing huge and obviously wrong, there is no point looking for a red flag.

Our mind plays games and 'an influenced mind' sees things bigger than they really are. It happens more often than we realize.

Time Pass*~*SALAM SiTam BER ~*~
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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Thanks everyone for ur input particularly diwana, mall n psquared. You have all been great. Diwana i know it does affect me sumtyms man like Im very stressed today because i jus had a massive row with my family n dey r not happy with me which makes me feel guilty, angry n stressed. My parents r constantly givin me examples of my cuzions n how they listen to their parents, control their wives whilst im bein 'begherat' in their opinion. It gets me mad cz ur ryt my family shud b grateful dat i got married to d girl of their choice (at dat time) but dey conveniently forgot that time now.

My wifes mentality is very different to myn which dn help me. Oh wel It shud b aite afta a while. im sure there r people who have alot worse situation dan me so its nt too bad. Hopefuly she wud b half sensible n we wud get thru it n den we wil live happily ever after, lol yea i fukin wish.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

^ hmm parents should really not say stuff like that. Its hard for parents to let go sometimes and let u deal with ur own life. Fine they got u married… now its uts job to live ur life and make sure u give ur wife and your future family the rights they deserve

when parents say such things, dont be offended. Just let it go… sometimes parents become helpless and in the heat of it all, they say all this emotional stuff.. and they really dont know how much it affects us. Mean … yes

in regards to the presents and stuff… just tell her calmly that u cant send gifts to everyone on every birthday.. cus maybe ur trying to save for the life you have together when she comes down to u..? You can ask her to wish everyone on ur behalf, or maybe just send an email to her account wishing the person in question. Noone is gonna say oh why wasnt the email sent to me directly.. once ur married.. there really shouldnt be a U and I thing… if i wish a member of my family, its assumed the wishes are from both the hubz and i… also, i send the gifts and everything to my inlaws.. the hubz doesnt even do any of that himself :halo: (another story)

i hope things work out for u inshallah… its hard when things are messy from the start.. but if u want to make it work, it can :slight_smile:

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You are not going through something unheard of.

It is good that you do care for your wife as well. Make a plan for a good life, you will get it if work for it.

Just ignore and forgive your family members. No need to disrespect them since they may be in different mindset that's all. *Respecting does not mean agreeing.
*
Try not to tell everything what happens in between you and your family or any dispute over her. Her ignorance of the matter will be her bliss...and eventually yours.

And by the way, don't count on her being sensible, if she is sensible then it is a bonus. She had nothing to do with, when you agreed to marry her on your family wish.

There are women who would come back and say (not necessarily your wife): "Did I ask you to listen to your family and marry me without knowing me?"

This could hurt a man and make them regret their decision, even though those women are justified in saying this.

So take her all the way in to your heart and forget what anyone says unless you don't want to for any real big reason.

American System , Memoni System
109

This just shows her to be what she is.

If she cared for you, she would also make an effort with your family and their birthdays.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Your first problem is that you are getting advice on GS. Your second problem is that you are listening to it.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

with respect, CM we are ALL are trying to HELP him here!!!! he didnt do anythin wrong in comin here and askin for some advice. if hes sensible, he will listen to alot of advice given to him. as a matter of fact, these advises mite even change his life for the better!

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

ugh… I have to jump in here … I see a lot of things wrong here… the most important one being that you’re not being honest with your wife… not a good start for a relationship :nono:.

If you don’t like something she says or ask you to do, tell her honestly (gently though) and tell her your expectations 100%… don’t keep mum thinking oh I dont wanna hurt her feelings… better hurt a little bit of feelings now than have a huge row afterwards. A person cannot keep all these opinions and issues bottled up inside… the feelings will come out sooner or later, and then it will just be a big pile-up.

Also, you mentioned that she tells you to call up her family members, why dont you do the same? Ask her to call on their birthdays, etc. If you don’t ask, she’s going to think nobody expects it, so I don’t need to do it.

Be honest and communicate openly, instead of thinking she’s manipulative, she doens’t care… blah blah… you, as her life partner has to guide her about the expectations you have, she’s not going to get ‘alhaam’ kay mujhay yeh karna chahiyay.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

And by the way, don't count on her being sensible, if she is sensible then it is a bonus. She had nothing to do with, when you agreed to marry her on your family wish
Diwana I wil try to make it work but if she is not sensible or dint put serious effort into it, im not givin her five minutes of my life, nevermind spending my life with her. Its nt like i signed a contraact to babysit her all my life. Harsh as it may sound but she will be cumin to live with me so if she dnt like my way of life, shes free to go n if i dnt like her way of life, im free to go. Hence there is an option of divorce in every marriage, fortunately.

Aliya sumtyms i think that but may b shes jus naive n dnt realize how it might appear to others. in other words, givin her d benefit of d doubt. Mainva i dnt want her to call my family members n i dnt want anytin to do with her family members. I got marrried to her, not her family n i hate this abt asian weddings. I dnt tink i wud b able to maintain ne relationship wv her family. she can ring them by all means but dnt expect me to do neting.
CM im jus takin opinions but i wil do what i think is right. I think most people here r newly married females n dasy most views r very biased n one dimensional views with the exception of some. However, im takin it all with a pinch of salt.

Moral of the thread for me....I have to b more controllin from d begining and set the boundries n not be dis goody goody husband who has to mother her feelings.

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So TELL her that… instead of complying with her wishes now and refusing later, then you’ll hear sentences like “you’ve changed”.
Why are you not being upfront with her? :smack: Being upfront does NOT mean controlling, being straightforward and setting down your expectations does NOT mean controlling. Can you kindly define what ‘controlling’ means in your dictionary?

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There you go my man. there you go.
Go tell her who wears pants in the house.
And who wears skirt.
I hope she doesnt tell you who wont be able to get into one :omg:

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

^ Monk FYI, men DO wear skirts in Scotland.... they're called kilts :p

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

but then they have to carry that heavy bag on the front.
they do NOT wears undergarments. Be warned!!!!

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Maina ders two main reason y i dont communicate with her very openly. First i want to ease her into everytin once shes here with me as at d moment she myt b very sensitive to d tings i say n might make her more worried n insecure, unecessarily. On d oda hand , ur right dat i myt setting wrong expectations n she wud den say u have changed etc.

wel I dint bring dis particular issue up with her because I wasnt sure how involved shud i be with her family. I dont have much knowledge of how husband shud be with his wife's family, islamically n culturally. I wanted to know wat my role shud b befo speakin to her abt it. I thought may b im abit eccentric in dis sense dat i dnt want netin to do with them. Wat shud i say to her? i dnt want anytin to do with ur family, she wud say sumtin like meri khushi kei liye ker lo? n id have no answer to dat. I hate dat line n she uses it alot to shut me up.

i think im not very diplomatic in urdu. She cnt speak english so v communicate in urdu n im at disadvantage der. I think tings like dat u jus need to hint at, shudnt have to spell everytin out.

Time Pass*~*SALAM SiTam BER ~*~
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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

tell her that it is your obligation and desire as her husband to take care of her needs and hers alone...that you respect her family just like you expect she should respect your family but that all this chaos between the families has created a distance and barrier between you and her family just like you assume that there is a barrier between her and your family...and that you are sorry you can go to any lengths to make her happy but you have some boundaries too and tell her if she loves you she should care for what makes you happy too and not send you on guilt trips to do something that you are not doing happily...and therefore as your wife and as someone who loves you she should not force you to interact with her family... because you care for her happiness you are not stopping her from interacting with her family but now she should care for your happiness and not force you to interact with her family... tell her you would rather she interact with her own family while you give them respect from a distance and she can do the same with yours

under normal circumstances you should interact with her family as a husband islamically but not under these circumstances where the are sort of at war and ur not comfortable and plus they r not interacting with u so why should you

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You got it wrong. 'Sensible' in in my post meant that she should let you do whatever since you decided to marry her on your family wishes. Off course you cannot count on that. If you throw it on her face that you did such a great thing marrying her, then she does not have to take it. That is what I meant.

Like I mentioned this is not an unusual scenario which you are in to.

Most men in this setting take full responsibility of their action and despite they come in to hurdles they are satisfied with what they did.

Off course her sensibility and maturity in many other ways matters a lot.

While I know most women do learn the married life demands very quickly some very few may not.

it is expected that she will not know many many things of place where you belong. But I think given time and patience, she will learn. After all many things of marriage life you have no clue about. Being honest here, not condescending. What I mean is that before marriage men also have this in their head that they know everything about relationship especially if they were in relationship of dating before.

But when reality of marriage hits the face, they seem very clueless also. Both men and women have to work to build the relation. Not controlling but teaching and explaining is a better option to make the marriage work where one person is from very far away.

There must be some good things or qualities she has which you liked when you married her I hope.

It is like when someone start driving car in a different country, they need an instructor. Not a master!

Expect that she will not be good at cooking what you like. Unless you tell her.

Expect that she will not know how to drive, when to laugh, what to say in some situations. Unless you teach her.

If you are not willing to expect that and think that she should come in to your terms all of a sudden then this is not the right kind approach.

*You mentioned about divorce.
*
Off course it is a possibility. But do you see something here which is not right?

You married her and you would divorce her for your reasons.

Not fair! I know you will not do it since there is nothing you have mentioned which would qualify her to get divorce.

She will respect you more and be more loving if you ignore her mistakes based on her lack of knowledge.

She is still your wife. Unless you pitch in to teach her and treat her respectively, prepare to have a bad life! Period.

Not a good moral. No one gave you this advice not to be goody goody husband.

I am sure you will learn to be flexible in future! Time is a better teacher.
When you are hurting, she may be the only one who will bring you comfort. So build two way relation now, before it is too late. :-)