A very old and very close friend of mine talked to me about her brother for marriage. Her family is sunni, but with very similar belief’s as shia’s, and mine is shia…irrespective of which - our families are a perfect match and the guy is great. In other words, there is absolutely no reason for saying no to them.
She has asked me about his rishta once before directly, and I said no bc of the shia-sunni problem. A few days ago, she brought it up in between the lines, and said it directly again, leaving the ball in my court.
I have never personally spoken to the guy, so i dont know his take on anything.
Provided that, I called the the shia mulana to get information for nikkah in this situation, as there are some limitations for the nikkah being read in situations like this. He said to bring the guy so he can speak with him and decide if nikkah will be acceptable in this siuation.
My friend does not know of this, but do you think it would be acceptable for me to mention to my friend that i spoke to the mulana and thats what he said?
Or, rather, HOW should I mention to her? Any suggestions? The thing is, if there can be a solution to this, then it can happen, if not then it cant and i would like for it to happen.
(please no offending comments about the details of the situation, we need to be respectful of every belief)
I am not sure why you are making it an issue when you are saying their belief is very much like yours. There are no limitations in nikkah for shias or sunnis.
Thats not the issue here. The issue is how to get the word to her and for her to convey forward, but in a very respectful manner because as far as the nikkah goes - from a shia perspective, yes, there very well are limitations.
just be straight fwd... if both sides are mature they will understand that there are differences between the 2 sects and that its always wise to get the opinion of a trusted source to make sure there will be no problems when the time for nikah comes or if its even possible.
From my understanding there is a seygha that it read at Shia nikkahs that legitimizes the nikkah. Either the maulana or your family need to communicate this to her family and find out whether or not they are comfortable /accepting of this.
For you the question is getting the input from a maulana as to whether he will perform the nikkah/whether there are any conditions that need to be met. I would go back to the maulana and find out what sorts of questions/inquiries he wants to do and determine whether the answer from your friend's family would be satisfactory for him. Try to prepare her family for what to expect. I say this because some issues may have a forgone conclusion or may need a lot of consideration before both sides choose to proceed.
The one issue you and your friend's family do need to discuss is how each of you want the children to be raised. For some couples and families there is a middle ground and the relationship can be a hppy successful one. For others this issue becomes a major source of contention down the road.
just be straight fwd... if both sides are mature they will understand that there are differences between the 2 sects and that its always wise to get the opinion of a trusted source to make sure there will be no problems when the time for nikah comes or if its even possible.
From my understanding there is a seygha that it read at Shia nikkahs that legitimizes the nikkah. Either the maulana or your family need to communicate this to her family and find out whether or not they are comfortable /accepting of this.
For you the question is getting the input from a maulana as to whether he will perform the nikkah/whether there are any conditions that need to be met. I would go back to the maulana and find out what sorts of questions/inquiries he wants to do and determine whether the answer from your friend's family would be satisfactory for him. Try to prepare her family for what to expect. I say this because some issues may have a forgone conclusion or may need a lot of consideration before both sides choose to proceed.
The one issue you and your friend's family do need to discuss is how each of you want the children to be raised. For some couples and families there is a middle ground and the relationship can be a hppy successful one. For others this issue becomes a major source of contention down the road.
this and...
also depends on to which extent you and that guy practice Islam (as per your sect). If even one of you practice it in most of the aspects of life, I'd suggest against it. Yeah stone me to death but if husband-wife both practice Islam in every aspect of life, ride can become pretty bumpy in coming days. Its hard to preempt or perceive things in advance but little issues later on can have snowball effect.
Can someone point out of the main differences that would pop up in every day life for a couple?
I think Shia's pray differently, with some sort of an 'item/object' in front of them? I don't think this would be a serious issue considering men and women hardly ever pray together.
Even though it's important to respect another person's thoughts and beliefs, but in a case of two people sharing their lives it becomes an issue. For instance, some of the beliefs contradict the school of thought of the other sect. Most sunnis, including myself am a little uncomfortable with the whole concept of physical 'peetna/beatings' that Shias do, even if its not done to the extreme.
Also, since its ramzan, the couple would obviously have to open and break their fasts a few minutes apart... Sometimes one has to be careful because you invite a bunch of friends over for Iftar, and one of them is a Shia and has to break his fast 10-15 mins after us. Most of us try to respect his fast; break our fast but hold off with the binging until its time for him to break it too.
The main problem would be children, and the beliefs they are brought up with. I guess like chichora said, it all depends on how much they practice their version of Islam, as per their sects. A couple should really think this through before binding it.
also depends on to which extent you and that guy practice Islam (as per your sect). If even one of you practice it in most of the aspects of life, I'd suggest against it. Yeah stone me to death but if husband-wife both practice Islam in every aspect of life, ride can become pretty bumpy in coming days. Its hard to preempt or perceive things in advance but little issues later on can have snowball effect.
very true. specially at the time of kids which sect they follow will be a bigger issue
I think it's only a problem if you (or families) make it one. In the Quran, Allah SWT has ordered us not to break into sects. Look at the beliefs without labeling them. Do you agree on the various articles of faith? Do you perform rituals and traditions similarly? And if there are differences, are they sources of interest, excitement or conflict?
Can you share a future with this person? Can he be a partner for you in your life? Will he help you to create a home you are comfortable in?
Sooo the drumroll for my final decision: Im not going to go through with it. I dont at all want to seem like im pushing my religious views onto him zabardasti and become empowering. Dont want to give bad taste even a chance for developing. :(
^ I think it is good decision. We take our religious belief and practices casually , even if we practice them or not . once it come to kids , it is a different story. I know 2 families directly having same intersect marriage , both cases separate practices didnt worked and at the end it was the wife who left her and accepted that of husbands sect.
I am not saying it is right or wrong , it is the way most of us are
Right decision I think given that you don't really know (or, for that matter, love) the guy. I want to appreciate the fact that you actually considered an inter-sect marriage as an option. It's a bold step (just the consideration) that few women (or men) are willing to take in our society. This kind of thinking in our generation will Insha-Allah reduce inter-sect tension in our country in the future. Pakistan is like an inter-sect marriage ;) and we've got to make it work.
i mean, if you're the type who is religious, you will have a very tough time accepting any plus minus in your religion ways...
like i'm a sunni so it's one thing if uncle is a sunni too and has some different belief on some topic, but it would be totally another if uncle was not a sunni and for example, wanted to do maatam in muharram and asked my kids to do maatam... you know? it would be difficult for me to allow or accept.. (no offence shia guppies..)..
i don't believe in those sufi poets who claim that love is beyond everything. it's not beyond religion. at least not for us Muslims..
edit: i know there are many couples like this (shia/sunni). but ive usually seen that one of the partners is not that religious and kind of "converts" to the other partner's beliefs.
i don't believe in those sufi poets who claim that **love is beyond everything. it's not beyond religion. **at least not for us Muslims..
yup
it may seem that everything will be ok & you'll work out stuff....but life is so unpredictable you never know what you considered insignificant earlier turns out to be an issue later
life is tough as it is, we should not add to it from our side
and i would like for it to happen.
