She makes me so angry

[Muzna]

Re: She makes me so angry

@Paheli00

You’re not getting it Nadz. Being nice and looking like a doormat is the best revenge you can have against your MIL! Complaining about her and saying negative stuff about her to your husband will not win you any brownie points with him. Its going to be difficult for your husband to choose a side when BOTH sides are behaving the same way!

I understand the sentiment Paheli…but I don’t think that any of this should be about making the husband choose a side.

In my experience, whenever a woman has consciously demanded that her husband choose a side, she has suffered. I would never ask any person to pick me over their parent…ever.

@Paheli00

Sooo…you need to stop caring about your MIL so much. Truly disliking someone doesn’t mean you hate them…it means you’re indifferent towards their existence. Whether she’s complimenting you or saying the most disgusting thing about you…you should not actually care either way. Just smile and be polite. Shut down all your emotions when it comes to her.

Good advice.
But in order to do this we need a much more mature and tolerant nadz.

@Paheli00

Stop making decisions based on your emotions and think with your brain. Making your marriage stronger should be your primary goal & you should stop allowing your MIL to distract you from that. In front of your husband, treat your MIL with total respect. It’s not about what you feel….it’s about what your husband PERCEIVES your feelings to be. So learn to act!

If by “learn to act” you are suggesting that she learn to manipulate then I’m not sure that this is good advice. Why not take a step back and treat everyone, including MIL, with total respect whether anyone else is around to witness it or not? Isn’t that what our deen stipulates?

Even when a person does not behave in a fashion that invites respect, treating them with it will always leave you looking good and eventually may even turn their attitude towards you around.

@Paheli00

You need to make him believe that despite all the past drama, no matter what your MIL currently does…you will treat her with respect and care for her. So next time your husband is around and you’re making chai for him, make a cup for MIL and offer it to her IN FRONT of him. If you guys are eating dinner and you see your MIL’s water or anything else (roti, sabzi whatever) running low…ask her nicely if she’s like some more. In front of him, offer to help her clear the table, help with dishes, cook whatever. If she complains of not feeling well, when he’s there, ask about her health and if there’s anything you can do to make her comfortable. Kill her with kindness while he’s watching/listening. And when he’s not around, be totally indifferent. Stay away from her as much as possible and ignore any jabs she throws at you.

Before leaving for UK, you must make sure your husband has very positive memories of you. Not memories of you bashing his mother and creating drama when he comes home. Unless you’re actually being physically abused…given the fact that you have tickets booked for UK…stay quiet about all the drama your MIL is causing. When your husband is with you, make his time pleasant. If your MIL wants to continue to bash you to him…let her. If your husband mentions that your MIL is upset b/c you did or said something…then you should say something like “I feel bad that I hurt her feelings. If you think it will make her feel better, I have no problem apologizing to her.” Allow your MIL to provide all the negativity/stress/complaints/nagging etc in your husband’s life. When he’s with you…give him nothing but love and peace. You’d be amazed as to what difference this can make to a man after a while.

All good advice except I would add that you should keep up the behaviour even when there is nobody to witness it but Allah.