She makes me so angry

[Paheli00]

Re: She makes me so angry

@Silver_Falcon_Of_Kashmir

So essentially you are teaching her to be a hypocrite and be deceitful? How is that supposed to make someone feel happy? IMHO, it’s not good advice.

If the sole reason for doing something is just to ‘please your husband’ then you might still end up frustrated if this ‘strategy’ (= deception) doesn’t get the desired results. Besides your mother in law will still hate you, maybe even more (and this time perhaps she would be justified too)..

Yep…sometimes in order to save something that’s important to us (and I assume love/respect from her husband is important to Nadz)…deceit is necessary. It’s not right or “politically correct”…but that’s reality.

Nadz’s MIL has been hating her for the past 2 years. Nadz is already frustrated and angry. She has tried showing her true feelings to her MIL and her husband but obviously it hasn’t worked. So at this point, I’m not quite sure what Nadz has to lose by following my advice. IF it doesn’t work…her MIL will still hate her and she’ll stay frustrated…which is exactly where she is today. HOWEVER, if my advice works…which I firmly believe it will IF EXECUTED PROPERLY…then it’ll improve Nadz’s marriage in the long run.

@Silver_Falcon_Of_Kashmir

I suggest that instead of putting so much effort into pretending to be nice, how about trying to be genuinely nice to her regardless of whether your husband is there or not, because that’s the right thing to do. And even if she doesn’t reciprocate the gesture and continues to hate you, then at least you will have the peace of mind for knowing that you have done the right thing. **Just because someone is nasty to us, that doesn’t give us the right to be wicked/evil/nasty as well. **

**And if you or anyone believes that they don’t owe it to be nice to their in laws, **for whatever reasons, then by the same logic the in laws also don’t owe it to be nice to them either. This is a very irrational way of thinking that I would be only nice to people if they are nice to me. Because in the end, the person who continues to hold a grudge (even for justified reasons) is the one who is never happy, because you are constantly in anguish because of your negative feelings. ..

1. I never advised Nadz to be nasty/mean/rude to her MIL. The jist of my advice is to be extra nice to the MIL when the husband is around. And when he’s not, avoid the MIL and don’t react if the MIL says anything negative. She needs to put away all her emotions b/c clearly, reacting with her true emotions hasn’t helped improve anything in 2 years.

2. All the stuff about Nadz feeling good b/c she did the “right thing”…again, sounds great on paper and in theory, but is not going to work for Nadz. She’s leaving Pakistan in 2 months. Her husband will live with the MIL by himself for an indefinite period of time. That gives the MIL plenty of time and opportunity to give her son a negative view of his wife if she chooses to do so.

Right now Nadz’s #1 focus needs to be to improve her relationship with her husband BEFORE she leaves for UK. She has lived with the MIL for 2 YEARS…if she hasn’t managed get genuinely nice towards the MIL in 2 YEARS…it’s not gonna happen in the next 2 months. If she doesn’t like the MIL…then its not going to be possible for her to somehow magically come up with true warm/fuzzy feelings towards that woman. There might be a day in the future where Nadz is ready to forgive the MIL…that day may be months or even years away…but I can promise you that day isn’t going to come in the next 2 months.

@Silver_Falcon_Of_Kashmir

So again, either be genuinely nice to people or don’t. Pretending to be nice only backfires..

No, it doesn’t always backfire. In fact, in order to preserve relationships such as friendships, jobs (ie. dealing with boss, co-workers, clients etc.), and even with family members…at times its important to put a lid on our true feelings and fake niceness & stay focused on long-term goals.