I have previously written about this friend of mine whom I were friends with for 10-12 years but she started to change when she got new friends and I moved away.
We havent met for years and we havent had any contact for very long time. I am not blaming her for the lack of contact but I must say that I did everything possible to keep the friendship alive but she just didnt show much interest to keep in touch.
I found out from Facebook that she is pregnant and expecting. I was really happy for her cuz I know that she got divorced from her first husband cuz she was told she couldnt have a baby so I was really really happy for her. I wrote congrats to her and afterwards I asked her why she didnt tell me (She was in her 7th month) and she just replied back in a harsh and arrogant way that well this shows how much contact we have. I felt very sad and hurt by her remark and chose not to reply back as it would just not be nice.
Recently I found out - again through Facebook - that she had a baby a few days ago. Some of her new close friends had written on her wall. Apparantly she had told them but didnt bother to send me a text message. And I am the only friend who was there for her through every problem she went through, when she needed support after her divorce and experienced so much crap from the community around her, helped her in her studies and motivated her to move on with her life.
For a friend who has been there for you in such situations I would let her know when I got married, got pregnant and had a baby but she didnt inform of neither her wedding, pregnancy nor having a baby.
I might just be venting …but I feel sad…
I was thinking that I will send her flowers and a gift for the baby but the way she has been behaving with me just makes me go passive. I know that basic manners and good feelings should always be the guidelines for in this case I just feel like ignoring that I have read that she had a baby and not send her anything, not call her nor text her…
It seems very childish but this is really the first time I feel like that towards someone..and its someone who used to be so close to me and whom I have supported so much…
Aww. Come'on be the bigger person and wish her. She has gone through alot in life (from what i m reading from your post) so give her the benefit of doubt. When one is under stress they dont always act the right way so as a friend you should understand her situation and forgive her. I am sure she wl eventually realise her mistake and apologize to you but even if she doesnt you don't loose in any which way :).
Its not nice when close friends do that, especially when you have been with then through thick and thin.
To be honest she should have kept in touch with you too, it works both way! As for the facebook comment, i dont think she should have said what she said.
I think you should just send her some nice flowers and a gift but dont inform her that you will or have done. she will get very surprised when she gets them and will obviously text you to say thankyou. Tak things from there. I'm sure she'll appreciate them.
Only you know what to do, but if you dont feel comfy doing the above then just wait for her to tell you that she has had the baby. if she doesnt tell you then just make out as though you dont know and ignore.
Keep us posted with everything. I hope she sees sense as its not nice to lose a close friend.
You should never ask, "why didn't you tell me?" the focus becomes an accusation and it takes away from whatever congratulations you are offering. no matter what, the answer won't be satisfying, so why ask? Plus in emails and texts it's worse because tone is unclear.
Also no need to send anything or go out of your way. Just say, "I heard the great news! Congratulations!" and if things go well you can visit.
You should never ask, "why didn't you tell me?" the focus becomes an accusation and it takes away from whatever congratulations you are offering. no matter what, the answer won't be satisfying, so why ask? Plus in emails and texts it's worse because tone is unclear.
Also, girls are very hormone driven during pregnancy and childbirth. They need lot of support, help, and love from everyone around them. Internally and externally, its a very difficult time. So drop your weapons, put your judgment aside, and take care of her.
Well just to be put it all in a context this is someone who misused my name by contacting a boy/man on my name while she was trying to hook herself up with that guy pretending to be me. She was in touch with him for 6 months over text messages and she didnt even bother to tell me!!
So she literally played with my reputation as I was unmarried at the time and we all know how desis are if a girl conatct a boy by sending him text messages - even though it was to hook up him with this person.
She only told me when she needed me to meet this guy as he was asking "me" to meet him. I was surprised but due to the fact that she was divorced and had fallen in love with this guy I felt sorry for her and did agree to meet him to talk to him about her. However at the end he didnt want to meet up anyways and she stopped contacting him by acting to be me!
This is just one example of how far I could go for her.Now in every situation where I needed her she seemed to be reluctant and I always ended up saying challo koi baat nahin I cant be bothered anyways....meaning she really wasnt there for me when I needed her.
I understand that she has been through a lot. But I have also been through a lot which she knows but havent really shown much care about from her side!
Sara, your question is valida..why do I end up befriend such people. and the answer is simple: I have a tendency to help out people too much. and I end up getting dissapointed cuz I dont get the same attention and care in the socalled friendship.
I am so anti-social now cuz of all these experiences with this friend but also with others.
I realized that I dont have her adress and cant be bothered to search for it eaither. I will perhaps write on her facebook like the others and just see what happens.
I felt like visiting her when visiting my hometown in a few weeks but then again thinking that why would I try to re-live a friendship that was perhaps more one sided from the beginning anyways....?
i agree with Sahar. No need to go out of your way and send her flowers. Just send her a casual message and be done with it. If what she does bothers, disturbs, hurts and saddens you, delete her from your facebook and move on and concentrate on things that make you happy. there is a limit on what people do to maintaining good ties with others,and if it is not reciprocated, be done with it. you and Allah SWT know your intentions.
Also, Chameli, you remind me of my SIL. She also would say that the reason she is constantly in conflict with one friend or another is that she goies out of her way to help them and involve herself in their issues.
Well, it's not so selfless, honestly. You crave and cultivate issues by pursuing these kinds of dysfunctional relationships and ignoring the constant and loyal people in your life (because there's no drama in those relationships).
Aww Chameli. You have been a good friend and actually over helpful if you ask me. Now don't stress over her and go on with your life. Just wish her on her fb wall and that should be good enough.
Also, Chameli, you remind me of my SIL. She also would say that the reason she is constantly in conflict with one friend or another is that she goies out of her way to help them and involve herself in their issues.
Well, it's not so selfless, honestly. You crave and cultivate issues by pursuing these kinds of dysfunctional relationships and ignoring the constant and loyal people in your life (because there's no drama in those relationships).
I think you should give her some space, it's not surprising that after she's been through so much she just wants to breathe for a while and get closure, maybe having you around reminds her of the bad experiences you went through together?
I understand your point of view though, she's your friend and you didn't expect this. I'd suggest contacting her casually after a few months once she's all settled in although a 'congratulations :)' on her facebook shouldn't hurt for now. If her reply is positive maybe you can rebuild your relationship, if not I'm afraid you'll just have to leave it. My mum always says' naikee kar darya main daal', I guess this is another one of those situations; just be grateful you had the opportunity to help someone and that even though you might not be the best of friends anymore she'll look back at her life one day and think of you fondly :)
At certain times in our lives we realize that certain ppl just used us and if u have really been close to them for a timescale of 10+ years it is sometimes hard to just accept the fact and move on. That may make one seem like going into a victim role but its perhaps more about the dissapointment than victimizing oneself.
But I do agree that now is the time to move and not vent too much.
I will wait writing on her FB wall for a while, not sending flowers and will not think about it anymore.
Likewise I will not spend time on overdoing things for people I consider friends but that actually are dysfunctional relationships as Sahar02 was mentioning to truly. I am already in the proces and have developed a lot but still a bit to go....
I understand your point of view though, she's your friend and you didn't expect this. I'd suggest contacting her casually after a few months once she's all settled in although a 'congratulations :)' on her facebook shouldn't hurt for now. If her reply is positive maybe you can rebuild your relationship, if not I'm afraid you'll just have to leave it. My mum always says' naikee kar darya main daal', I guess this is another one of those situations; just be grateful you had the opportunity to help someone and that even though you might not be the best of friends anymore she'll look back at her life one day and think of you fondly :)
I think you should give her some space, it's not surprising that after she's been through so much she just wants to breathe for a while and get closure, maybe having you around reminds her of the bad experiences you went through together?
I understand your point of view though, she's your friend and you didn't expect this. I'd suggest contacting her casually after a few months once she's all settled in although a 'congratulations :)' on her facebook shouldn't hurt for now. If her reply is positive maybe you can rebuild your relationship, if not I'm afraid you'll just have to leave it. My mum always says' naikee kar darya main daal', I guess this is another one of those situations; just be grateful you had the opportunity to help someone and that even though you might not be the best of friends anymore she'll look back at her life one day and think of you fondly :)