So i’m posting this for a friend who’s going through this right now. To give some background. from what i know she had one previous relationship in the past but it didnt work out it and it ended back in college.. she says they had never gotten physical but she was madly in love with him.
Anyway..two years out of college she got married to a guy in pakistan, it was arranged…she came back here and she talks to the guy regularly on the phone and he is in the process of getting here. According to her, her ex congratulated her when she came back and after that they didnt keep in touch (even though she has residual feelings for him).
Two months ago, there was a guy that was a family frnd visiting from another state. He knew she was married and her parents were completely fine with them hanging out cuz they trusted the guy and their daughter, so she took him out a couple of times (the mall cuz he wanted to shop, a couple of nice restaurants in town to eat). In the process, the guy started to flirt a little (she says he was definitely a player) and initially she just ignored it. She said she had never been tempted to be physical with any guy because she always knew her limits. However she lets her guard down more now, because she’s married and she was so sure she wouldnt do anything crazy (her reasoning is that she never went crazy in college so why would she do it now). However after a week or so of hanging out the flirting got excessive and one day she gave in to the moment and they got physical (according to her no intercourse). She says, she has no feelings for him whatsoever but it was just in the moment or perhaps she was really hormonal that day. She says, that was her second experience of getting physical (she’s been physical with her hubby)..However, the story doesnt stop there…
She says she enjoyed the physicality with that player (for whom she had no feelings), so she wondered how it would feel with her ex, with whom she had been so emotionally involved and for whom she still has feelings. So she got in touch with him and asked him if he was up for it. He said yes, and to make long story short, they met up and spent a day together in a hotel room.
She said all this happened within a span of two weeks…and after two weeks she snapped back into reality. She says every time she looks at her parents/talks to her hubby now, she feels guilty and thinks she doesnt deserve her hubby. She’s wondering if she should confess..but that would mean her marriage will end and she doesnt want to end her marriage cuz her hubby’s actually a nice guy. She doesnt know why she did it and she has no intention of repeating her actions…however for her the guilt is setting in now and she doesnt know what to do…Should she just forget those two weeks of her life, beg for forgiveness and pretend like it didnt happen?
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She doesnt know why she did it and she has no intention of repeating her actions
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Thats quite difficult to believe.....what makes her so sure she wouldn't do it again? since she doesn't even know what ''triggers'' this ??
btw....better option is to keep quite and pretend it never happens.........if it happens again....the husband would be in the US by then......and if she files for divorce...she will get half his money too........ so that option sounds better.
In the process, the guy started to flirt a little (she says he was definitely a player) and initially she just ignored it. She said she had never been tempted to be physical with any guy because she always knew her limits. However she lets her guard down more now, because she's married and she was so sure she wouldnt do anything crazy (her reasoning is that she never went crazy in college so why would she do it now). However after a week or so of hanging out the flirting got excessive and one day she gave in to the moment and they got physical (according to her no intercourse). She says, she has no feelings for him whatsoever but it was just in the moment or perhaps she was really hormonal that day. She says, that was her second experience of getting physical (she's been physical with her hubby)..However, the story doesnt stop there...
She says she enjoyed the physicality with that player (for whom she had no feelings), so she wondered how it would feel with her ex, with whom she had been so emotionally involved and for whom she still has feelings. So she got in touch with him and asked him if he was up for it. He said yes, and to make long story short, they met up and spent a day together in a hotel room.
This behavior is called chinal pana. Your friend should follow don't say don't tell policy and move on.
the woman is trying to look like a guilty angel. she deserves a divorce rather...sorry for my harsh tone. i would have said the same thing if her hubby cheated.
Thats quite difficult to believe.....what makes her so sure she wouldn't do it again? since she doesn't even know what ''triggers'' this ??
btw....better option is to keep quite and pretend it never happens.........if it happens again....the husband would be in the US by then......and if she files for divorce...she will get half his money too........ so that option sounds better.
& let me tell you agay ki story ... then she will find some other nice, decent, eligible bachelor to get married with & that too with the money she had from her ex husband ..... & during the process of finding some decent guy to provide for her, she obviously will have fun around with others guys in the name of hormones as we can clearly see she does not have any self control ......
Anyway..two years out of college she got married to a guy in pakistan, it was arranged...she came back here and she talks to the guy ..
She says she enjoyed the physicality with that player (for whom she had no feelings), so she wondered how it would feel with her ex, with whom she had been so emotionally involved and for whom she still has feelings. So she got in touch with him and asked him if he was up for it. He said yes, and to make long story short, they met up and spent a day together in a hotel room.
?
It didn't just stop at curiosity, she took it further and planned out a rendezvous with her ex...without any regard for Allah's injunctions, for her marriage/husband, for her reputation, for the reputation of her family. There was more than just her "hormones" at play here. So, you have three people who simply "didn't" care about anybody else but their own interests. The "player" had no regard for the kindness of the parents who let him stay; but then again they are not his own family. He had no regard for another man's relationship, but ....who knows....despite his "player" tendencies, he might have stopped the flirting if the girl had been firm enough to let him know his chichoray comments weren't welcome as opposed to letting her guard down and "encouraging" it. If she noticed it in their first outing, she could have chosen to not go out with him the next time...or could have chosen to take her parents along. People will try to take advantage of you, but it's your responsibility to out a stop to it.....she didn't. The ex had no regard for her marriage either, but it was she that sought him out.....and if the ex initially had doubts or displayed hesitation and she told him it's all good.....she really went out of her way. Allah knows best....but out of these three characters, what the girl did was worse...you lose more respect for her. Actually....after the "high" from that physical interaction wore off for the "player"......and after the "high" from the sex wore off for the ex.....they both might have felt some guilt for their actions, but they probably had an even "lower" opinion of the girl than they had of themselves; they didn't respect her to begin with....but they prolly lost more respect for her afterward....and her past history of abstinence/self-control won't matter to the ex she still has residual feelings for. What will stand out in the ex's mind is the present image of her; that of a woman who has no regard for her marriage and who is "easy"and *may*be taken advantage of again. It's bad enough to lose respect in the sight of Allah, yourself, your spouse, your family.....but then for those two disgusting guys to think lower of her than they do of themselves......she really stooped. She lost out on so much....for what....a couple hours if pleasure? These are all angles that your friend needs to think of, OP. Also, what if doesn't find her husband to satisfy her needs when they start living together......would she then resort to fulfilling them elsewhere? If she wants to change, she has to have greater control.
As for what she should do.....some will say that it's her moral duty to be honest with her husband and others will say that if Allah has placed a pardah on a sin, that one should repent and not reveal it. If she tells her husband, he might in anger defame her family and I feel bad for her parents......they shouldn't have to go through that. I lean more toward her not revealing it to her husband, she should repent and mend her ways.....and pray to God that the ex and the player don't resurface in the future and expose her.
I don't think this is as innocent as you're making it seem.
If it was one slip of the moment...maybe people could dismiss it.
But she deliberately planned a day in a hotel room with her ex and intentionally cheated on him.
This is going to happen again and unfortunately after her husband gets here because he's not a player. He will become a victim and she will not be able to stop herself because he will not be able to fulfill her curiosity.
I feel bad saying this but...this does not look good.
You stated that your friend said that this behaviour would not repeat itself but, honestly, how can she be so certain? Afterall, she doesn't know what triggered these two episodes and whatever it was could easily trigger further episodes in the future. Given that she cannot guarantee that her behaviour will not repeat itself, she should be honest with her husband and tell him the truth (and face the consequences of her actions). If it had been the other way around and it had been her husband who did this, wouldn't she want to know the truth instead of being strung along and finding out later that her husband had (and may continue to have) random affairs?
On another note, you and the other posters are being far too sympathetic towards your friend and I'm not so sure she deserves it. If it had been a guy who had cheated on his wife with a family friend and then proceeded to call his ex-girlfriend and spent the day in a hotel room with her, everyone on here would be quick to point out what a horrible immoral person he is and suggest that his wife divorce him. Decency is a two way street and does not only apply to men.
im a firm believer in once a cheater, always a cheater. She will do it again and again cuz thats who she is. He deserves better and by not telling him, she is denying him off the opportunity of finding someone who he deserves. However if it turns out he forgives her, she is going to have to break her back trying to regain his trust. If i was in his position i would wash my hands off her cuz this is not one of those things where you can simply start over. There is always going to be an element of doubt in his mind and his trust will never truly be regained.
btw before any of you call her a whore think about the fact that despite what she has done, she is still somebodies daughter/sister
There is a word for women like these, but I will not say it here. I'm just thinking about her poor husband who might end up raising kids of someone else, thinking they are his own.
And believe me, she has tasted the forbidden so she will do it again and again. If marriage could not prevent it then nothing else can.
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Lolx nw being innocent ???
Aik br hogya anjane mein with the playboy but wht abt the planned one with her ex ???
well I think by telling she wont get any forgiveness, So she should move on n nt repeating or even thinking of such bad things in the future and she should ask Allaah for forgiveness sache dil se n by tauba as she did Zina , jo k Shirk k baad doosra bra gunah hai !
the woman is trying to look like a guilty angel. she deserves a divorce rather...sorry for my harsh tone. i would have said the same thing if her hubby cheated.
Confessing is stigma enough in the West, and given how harsh desis are I am slightly inclined to say that she shouldn't confess. On the other hand, her husband deserves to know what he's getting into.
What RV said is correct, there is literally a high from cheating, the same dopamine high people get from drugs. She should get some help, at the very least read some books on the topic so she can understand her behaviour. Women like to say that things "just happened" but that's never the case, she let the flirting happen, she entertained thoughts about sex, and then she put herself in a position to let things escalate.
And if she's feeling guilty now, she might cave later, which wouldn't make it any better. Worse, he could find out through someone else and that will *really *kill any chance of forgiveness. So again, it's not fair that it's worse amongst desis, but I think she should confess to the guy because he deserves to know. Getting blindsided by this in the future will be far worse.
This is why in Islam the sexes are not allowed to freely mix and be alone with each other. She should ask Allah for forgiveness and not do anything like this again.
