Hi friends!
Badly in need of your valuable suggestions and advices.
Its been 3 years to our marriage, it was a love marriage. My family was not too happy about it but agreed for it just because of me.
The trouble all started after we got our first child after a year of marriage. My husband wanted me to resign from my job and move back to Pakistan. I was not too happy about it, i said i could resign and can take care of my child while living with him but my husband did not want to keep me there as he says he has responsibilities of his family too. So he made my MIL to keep the child with her (again i was not too happy about it but he said this is the only solution since i did not want to move back to PAkistan) and she keeps coming and going along with our child.
Whenever i would talk about keeping the child with us, he would taunt me that i love my job more, but the truth is, whatever salary i get that is completely in his hands. I am just given a very small amount for my own needs.
He was trying for a promotion in his job and he said once he gets promoted, then i could resign and he will keep me with him along with the child. But after he got promoted, seemed his responsibilities towards his family increased more. His younger bro wanted to start his own business so he gave him money for it, plus my MIL wanted to get my BIL marry so he could have a bahu at home and my husband is financing his marriage completely since he is new in his business and does not make enough money himself .
Now my MIL has started telling me infront of him that, resign from job and move back to Pakistan and live with her since she needs someone to do her khidmat. I told her she is getting a new bahu anyways who would do her khidmat. She says if she takes care of her own husband that itself would be enough since she is still studying and will be completing her studies after marriage . She says if i cannot stay here then she can make my husband marry here and let his wife stay here....
Now i do not understand what should i be doing! I feel i am just being emotionally tortured. My husband does not understand what i am going through. Even on small arguments he would talk about divorce. The sacrifices which i gave by keeping my child away, giving him all my money, having no issues when spends everything on his siblings have no value in his eyes it seems. Sometimes i feel so tired that i should just leave him and all of this!!
You are being emotional, psychologically, financially and verbally being abused. Daycare here will raise your kid a million times better than a Jahil abusive MIL. Money being sent home should be used for daycare. Most people want to raise their kids in the advanced world. If you leave your job, they control you and you become a financial slave. Order your child back home.
If there is no love and respect, then there is no marriage, to begin with. Why do abusive dipshits threaten with divorce?
Take your child and run.
What kind of father leaves his child with his parents!!
And what kind of mother would leave her child in another place!!! You should have divorced once they were asking you to send the kid with her MIL.
You sound like you’re in a very abusive relationship.
Keep all the money you make for yourself & your child - neither he or his parents care about what is best for you or your baby, so be prepared emotionally & financially. Let your family know, maybe they can help you?
Take your child and divorce him, he & his family are abusing you. Don’t stand for it now, because the more you wait, the higher the risk to your child will be too.
Good luck! You’ll be in my prayers.
Where will the child go?
If divorce
What I read is the kid is more close to the mil then any parents
Is she finding a someone to look after the child? Another marriage for your husband?
The whole thing is so messed up
That is what! The thing is, my MIL has taken complete control over the child. She does everything on her own, and hardly any of my wishes are considered.
Everything is quite complicated and sadly they do not really understand what i am going through.
rose_petal,
Sorry to hear that you are going through this painful situation. My recommendation is to weigh your options and create a plan. I think it would be good if you can:
- Get your child back
- Negotiate with your husband to let you keep more than what you are allowed to keep from your earnings
- See if you can get a better job or negotiate for a pay raise, so that you can save a percentage for an emergency if you need to separate ways from your husband and start a new life with your child
Seems like you feel powerless and negotiating from that state of being will not get you desired results. Your existence and opinion has value and that is where you find your sense of empowerment that can help solve your problems. Hope this helps.
Rose,
If I were you, I would take my child and go stay with my parents or siblings for a while. If you tell your husband about this, then him and his mother will stop you. So, I think it’s better if you stay mum about it.
Take a break from him and go live with your parents (or siblings) for a while. And from there you can decide what the next best course of action should be.
You could hold a family meeting with your husband to mediate issues, but based on everything you’ve shared about him…I don’t get the best feeling from him. I would not be surprised if he and his mom give your family a “jhooti tasalli” to get you (and especially the child back)…and then they will return to their old ways.
You have to weigh the pros and cons for living with your child in Pakistan…or…remaining here with your child (but possibly without your husband). That’s for you to decide.
But for right now…I think you should get some change of scenery. Take your child and go live with your family for a spell.
Why are women so manipulative. The whole issue here is being created by MIL.
why y’all keep marrying fobs
I don’t understand why you gave up your child?
I don’t understand where your income is going? Fight for your income and your child. His parents/brother = his responsibility. NOT YOURS! You seem like a very determined woman. Take control of your finances and take back your child. I don’t understand why your MIL thinks her bahus are her servants?!
why u gave ur child to ur MIL? … i mean u didnt take responsibility of ur new born n gave it to ur MIL to be raised in a place where u dnt want to go n live urself in the first place … who does that? …
I am a bit appalled so I didn’t complete my post…
You don’t leave your kid. Unless you needed to work to fill your child’s hungry stomach, you don’t leave your kid.
When a child enters the picture, family dynamics HAVE TO CHANGE. They have to otherwise you haven’t really become a parent. Your thoughts, actions, decisions, etc all revolve around your baby. There will never be a man or in laws worth leaving your child for. His parents are HIS responsibility and his child is ALSO his responsibility. In a patriarchal culture and male dominated society, men who take on a family with no intention of supporting them are stupid and cruel. Your husband and his parents sound very stupid and cruel.
And why the hell would you listen to anyone who told you to leave your kid with someone else? Was he telling the truth? Did you choose your career over your child? In that case, this is not entirely his fault. Its yours too.
Go get your baby, parent the baby and fight for her. Be a mother.
Something is missing and it doesn’t look like the way it is
A normal parent will be attached to the new born and will have a big issue of not having the child around
Not to mention will be a big no if was to moved far away from them no matter whatever the circumstances
This is 2 years not few months or days
She was raising the kid for 2 years and that too far away from you you two
And both of you have no issue over it
And she was traveling back and forth for you two
The father from your post seems no interest in having the kid around him either
So it goes back to you who said could resign and can take care of my child while living with him
Now the Dadi wants you to resign and go to her and do her kidmat
She then says her son can marry again and keep his wife with her to do her kidmat
Where is the child in all of this???
kidmat?
The child father is not a kakka that he will listen to whatever mum says
Am I reading a poor innocent soul being raised by now a tired lady looking for a women to raised a child who will soon be around nursery age and need stability instead of traveling back and forth
I only feel sorry for the child now
You two seems like idiot imho
If the child can speak , would choose Dadi over you two
That’s from the understanding of your post , unless there is more to it
Apologies if it came out too harsh 
She’s not in Pakistan…she lives outside of Pakistan.
The child is the unfortunate one here
What ever the outcome is
Divorce
Raised the kid alone
Mil raises the kid
Another women raise the kid
Whatever it is , it’s the child who is abused
Talk with his dad
Ask yourself
Whatever you decide to do, or he decide to do may it bring peace and in consideration of the child too
You guys know better
I just concluded with the little info in your post
Take care and apologies if hurt
And as for Bobby , you are beyond me 
so why didn’t you leave your job? since you are giving all the money to the guy anyways??
You keep saying him, his parents?
You mentioned you were given two options, but there is always a third option- you want to keep the baby and will take care of him. But you choose between the first two.
Now just ask yourself what is the MOST important to you? your baby or your job or your husband?
You and your husband are so unlucky that you missed all the precious moments of your child and they will never come back and unfortunately it was by choice.
I feel sad for baby …
This is pretty horrible for your child.
By the way, you do lots of things you don’t “want” to do when you have a kid. A lot. Moving to places you don’t like might be one of them. Walking away from a man who tries to separate you from your child is another.
Please don’t blame this on your husband or inlaws. You’re definitely not an uneducated small town girl. You’re working a job outside of Pakistan that makes enough to support a family and yet you are still wondering what to do? There’s nothing in your mind that is sounding like a siren saying “I need my kid back”? Why did you two have a child then?
This post is very upsetting for me…I can’t believe what I just read.