The ‘wife or mother’ thread was eye-opening and highlighted pretty much whats wrong with our ‘culture’.
Which is:
People don’t think. (An understatement)
Any women who sticks up for her RIGHTS UNDER OUR RELIGION, i.e. a separate home is labelled as ‘modern’
Some not so clever men actually entertaining the question of ‘pick mother or wife’, and actually highlighting their cleverness (or lack of) by PICKING one, which pretty shows the utter lack of respect they have for either relationship.
The stupid expectation that a bahu jee is supposed to be the nokrani of the house while the inlaws do eff all :no: And when she stands up for her rights the ridiculous accusations on her will range from her being ‘modern’ or somehow her ‘trying to stop inlaws meeting the husband’ or something similar to this delusion.
No wonder Pakistan is going down! We are busy worrying about where a newly married couple should live!!
This is such illiterate thinking....and having the audacity to ask for "Quranic" references! Seriously??? Do you think God has time for such petty issues?? He made clear to take care of your parents and He made clear to treat your wife with love and respect! He thought people would get the point but us Pakistanis are such fools...we make things up to suit ourselves and then judge others! And then we ask for Quranic references?! What's next? Do we need Quranic references telling us how to brush our hair?
Pakistani weddings alongwith Hindu weddings are the only ones where the girl and her family cry their heart out during rukhsati....such drama! All my Arab friends till this day wonder WHY we cry at our weddings when it's supposed to be a happy occassion. When I tell them about the girl leaving her parents' place to start a new life with her husband, they are baffled. They wonder why it has to be perceived that way since marriage means two families coming together, not the girl leaving her poor parents behind!! Such idiocy!!
^Not every detail has been mentioned in the Quran. You can refer to Shariah and ahadith to learn about the rulings regarding various issues. We pray 5 times a day.....(and correct me if I'm wrong) but I don't think the procedure of prayer has not been mentioned in the Quran.
This is a load of bullshak! (see what I did there?)
Whats the purpose of a wife but to serve her man above all others?
Well seriously, its a matter of mutual understanding and respect. If the man's parents need to be taken care of, his woman shouldn't have any issues with doing that. There is nothing wrong with living with the man's parents and taking care of them, it doesn't take away any rights and freedoms. At an old age, parents don't want money and goodies, their happiness lies in keeping the family unit together, being able to see their children, knowing that they are there, and knowing that they still hold importance and worth. Its not even just about discharging your responsibility as a son; doesn't it give you satisfaction and peace of mind knowing that you are taking care of your parents?
Then again, I think it varies depending on the dynamics, bonding and structure of each family. So I can't say you or any of the other sistah feministah here is wrong.
I think brother janwaar has put it right. Why such a "big" fuss about not serving fellow's parents to gain dua. Heck i would do anything for my future wife's family..and that includes..living with us in a big house. Whats wrong with that?? All we need is little peace of tolerance, and respect. Unfortantely, Shak..the problem is not whether these women want to have separate home or not...but rather the negative notions they carry about "inlaws" and how they are hell bound to make their lives miserable. Secondly, the "joint" family is mis-interpreted in so many ways. I.e, One Kitchen, Shared common areas etc. One can live in a same house with having to have complete privacy for husband and wife. That is all!
One wonders how these women ever lived in their parents homes.
Does our tolerance level depend on the "name" of the relationship or the actual relationship?
Do we expect to have separate kitchens to our mothers as we so often demand of our husbands to provide when we get married and are asked to live with his parents? Do we make irrational demands of our parents to unreasonable amounts of privacy?
I think not yeah?
People ought to think about what they are demanding or how much hurt they may be causing. It never hurts to be the better or bigger person.
i think the root of this problem are the mothers that are raising their daughters in the shadows of hatred they themselves felt and continue feeling for their own in laws (the girl's paternal grandparents)... khud tho himmat nahi hui to get their own sep living (for whatever reason)... so they just poision their girls minds with a very twisted pic of what or how in laws are like. with such upbringing, its only normal a girl express great interest in having her own place and not want to live in a joint family system. before even knowing how its gonna be... just be lucky your honay wali biwi is allowing you to see your own parents, alag rehna tho bohat choti si baath hai. cuz thats what the mother has taught her daughter... mil is chalak and will do everything to make you suffer just like your dadi did with me, and the fil, well he is just a good for nothing buddha tuddha you have to cater to morning noon and night.
if these same mothers taught their girls HOW to live in a joint family system, put forth a positive image of how in laws can be, how to respect those elder than you, how to just shut up for the first yr of marriage (unless you are being abused verbally or physically, then you speak up) and dont take everything ure mil or fil or sil or bil say to heart.... girls wouldnt be so paranoid about living with in laws... they would atleast be willing to do so ... and then leave it to the actual live in bit to know if they wanna continue doing so.
but noooooooo.... the very thought is a recipe for disaster since that is how its been portrayed from the very beginning.
^ the other thing to note is.... if you sense your inlaw has said something unjust or watever.... for a quick minute or so, imagine that was your mother/father/sibling saying/doing the same thing. Would your reaction be the same??
^I'm not sure if I agree with everything you've said khawateen, but yeah, I'd have to agree that in our culture a lot of guys and girls are basically fed a steady diet of horrible susraal stories from the time they can understand speech. And eventually these kids grow up believing that regardless of how nice the family of their future spouse seems, that eventually, they'll show their "true" face and start making their lives miserable. They believe it so much that when they do become married, it turns into a self fulfilling prophecy...they're so afraid of an "attack," that without any provocation, they get on the defensive. I've seen it countless times where people - men and women - take the slightest, most innocuous action of their inlaws and turn it - in their minds - into an act of extreme intrusiveness, rudeness, wrongness, etc.
I grew up hearing the usual horrible inlaws stories that all of you probably heard at some point. But I'm grateful to my parents who over and over again told me that not every body is like that and that everybody - including me - has their flaws and that I should do my best to show patience and tolerance to those flaws as I would hope someone would show patience in the face of my many shortcomings. After a few years of marriage, I can see that this has been the best marital advice I've ever received because Alhamdullillah, I'm very happy with hubby and his family and they are, I believe, equally happy with me and mine.
thats what i was getting at mistral.... parents play a very important part in moulding their childrens minds... especially once they are getting married or already are. it requires the parent to keep their own sentiments and emotions under lock and key and to guide their child with mind and not an already emotional heart.
my mom had a horrific mil... but we never heard her say anything negetive bout her in laws or the whole joint family system. she always said, all 5 fingers arent of the same size. infact, my mom was and still is pro joint family (doesnt mean to say she is against living alone). her thinking was.. any girl can live on her own with husband and 2 bachay... but only SOME girls can live in a joint familiy.. and i will teach my daughter how to. the cons and the pros and how to deal with each.
when i was got married, i got quite a few shocks that would last me for my lifetime, but i have now been married mashallah 4 yrs and all credit goes to my mom. she never interfered herself, but whenever i would bring up something, she wouldnt immediately let her own emotions get in the way.. she always used her head over her heart and would put a positive twist on the things i was complaining bout... (choti choti batein, thankfully it was nothing like mental or physical abuse)... soon i realized... yaar sub chaltha hai... and settled into the family.
now if she had over reacted alongwith me, i probably would have be living alone , wouldnt have a good relationship with my in laws and i dont think husband would be too pleased either.....
living alone is not haram... it shouldnt even be looked down on.... what is important is HOW you seperate from the in laws. always leave things on a good note... cuz this is a relationship that wont go away... unless the ppl involved die. and god is funny... the more you hate someone, the more God makes ways of you needing them a whole lot in your life! (delivery, grand kids, raising and teaching quran, moral education etc etc etc).
