sexual abuse

[714]

Astaghfirullah, Astaghfirullah, Astaghfirullah, may Allah (SWT) protect us and our loved ones from such horrid evils

I was just talking to a friend of mine…she’s a few years younger, looks up to me like a big sister cuz she doesnt have any

and she just told me something, that she hasnt told almost anybody about

i guess she told her mother, but her mother didn’t want her to say anything cause she was afraid of the what would happen in the family, and i guess he has sons of his own

turns out her chacha molested her when she was 12-ish-she just turned 17

she never told her father-and now her father doesnt understand her aversion to her uncle and gets angry with her

i told my friend she needs to speak up…or at the very least get therapy

and who knows who else this uncle may be touching

but i’ve never (Alhumdulillah) personally or otherwise dealt with something like this

she’s entrusted me with this secret but it stil makes her very uncomfortable-before this the only people she told were her mother and cousin-both of whom told her to keep quiet because they were afraid of what would happen within the family and such-and the man has his own family-all boys

6 years later, she still is terrified to be in the same house with the pervert, and is harboring resentment against her mother for not helping her…yet she is afraid to tell her father…even telling me, it came out unexpectedly and she was scared to say anything

i tried to be supportive and tell her she need to talk to talk to someone

but beyond that…i really don’t know what to tell her…and now she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore for right now…

i can’t even imagine what something like that would feel like…

i can’t know such a secret and not try to help her

any advice you all might have, would be highly appreciated

why are people such sickos? molesting a child, and not only that, but your own niece? shudders

[dutch_paki]

Re: sexual abuse

Discusting.

I hope he burns in Hell and on earth. AMEEN

I have no Idea what you could do to help her, nor can I give any advice.

I just hope the girl is strong enough to get thru this

[Furqan]

Re: sexual abuse

this is sad...i think people who commit these kind of acts should be humiliated and stoned to death!

I knew a close female friend of mine, when she around 10-11years of age, who had been in a situation like that. I was shocked when i heard her story..its really sad.

[sabah]

Re: sexual abuse

Unfortunately I know this situation from more than just one case. A friend of mine's son was molested by his uncle from the age of three till he turned eight. My friend learnt about this by chance and decided to file a case against her brother. Nothing useful came out of it, my friends son will get a compensation as his uncle is handicapped, but not mentally. She lost the close contact she had to her parents and her elder brother decided that they will never see that pathetic person again. But the family was spitted.

Other girls I know who've been molested by chacha or close family members never told their parents etc until it was 'too late'. There are too many consequences of speaking up, from ppl not believing you - it could be translated as being your own fault and can even result in divorces. But bottom line is if he's molesting one child, chances are that he's molesting many other kids in the family as well. She should as minimum check her younger siblings.

I don't really care about the legal stuff, but her father should be told. The more she and her mother will try to keep chacha on a distance the closer her father can get to him, to compensate for his families behaviour (according to the desi mentality). I've seen families trying to protect the father, he's not been hurt so he and everyone else should not even be a priority. In order to keep the chacha away and protect at least her own siblings, her father should be told.

A creative mind can think up many excuses for not speaking up, but all those will be speculations, they may or may never happen, but once a molester always a molester. I bet they don't even see any difference between their own daughters and wife. There is only one way to stop him, unless he falls dead today, and that is by speaking the truth.

She definitely needs help as well to solve this socially and mentally.

Next time you see her, give he a hug from me. No one deserves to be in this situation.

[Princess_Fiona]

Re: sexual abuse

yeah i dont know if u are talking about the same girl.. whom i talk with as well.
yeah same story and now that person is her daywar am i right?
she is engaged now to her mom's cousin.. May Allah protect us from this Ameen..

[lazy_daisy]

Re: sexual abuse

she may find that a therapist may help... these things come back and haunt you!

[Mehnaz]

Re: sexual abuse

714, all you can do is try and be there for her and give her the encouragement and support she needs to seek professional help. Go with her if you can. She must be terrified, especially given the fact that her mother is pretty useless in this situation. She is not the person to be blamed. She is not the one at fault .... and who knows who else this man is molesting. As difficult as this may be for her, she has a responsibility to bring what he did to her out in public so that he can be stopped from mentally and physically torturing other children. If she stays quiet, the cycle of abuse will just continue in silence.

I know she didn't ask for this to happen and she shouldn't have to be the one to deal with it. :(

[larki]

Re: sexual abuse

it's so sad :( i hate how the poor victims are led to believe it's their fault and when their own family doesn't believe them. may Allah give her strength, ameen.

[Qrius]

Re: sexual abuse

Actually these problems aren't as rare as we think..its just that lot of people don't talk about what happened to them. They are worried and are terrified of the consequences. I am sure your friend is very courageous because she opened up to her mom as well as you. Many people, don't even share any information with anyone and suffer through out their lives. I agree with what sabah and Mehnaz said here. She does need to check around for the abuse around her as well and if she and her mom are not comfortable enough yet to tell her father..she could go to a youth and women worker in any social work agency, transitional home or shelter. They have workshops, one on one talking therapy, group sessions with other survivors and what not. This can help her build confidence to talk to her father and to be at peace within her heart. Also, by going through these sessions she can learn to be at ease with her own future. She'll learn to be a more stronger girl who can protect her future generations and community. May Allah give her strength to standup for herself and for others like her. Aameen.

[Sadiyah]

Re: sexual abuse

It would only be useful to tell her father if he is willing to listen to his daugther. It could be that he is biased towards his siblings and may assume that the daughter is lying, as he already knows that she doesn't like her chacha very much.

Anyway, if the chacha has a lose character (and the family knows) then it's definitely worth telling her father, otherwise it may not do anymore than create further problems.

I'm surprised at the mother. She should've done something about it long time ago. Anyway, may be the mother is still in a better position to let her husband know about it, especially if your friend is still in some form of trauma.

[badkismat]

Re: sexual abuse

It really does take a lot of guts to speak up about it. Well done to her.
I was molested by my cousin since the age of 8 or 9. He used to live with us and used to lure me into his room with a 50p. As if that wasnt enough I was hardly ever acknowledged by my family, and was mentally abused by my older siblings. I dont think I've ever met anyone with as low self esteem as me. I feel like I am nothing.
This cousin is now married with a married son and he has a daughter as well. He's been to Hajj now and is very moulvi type. I'm also married with children but I've never told my husband about this. He gets on well with my cousin and thinks hes a good person. And this cousin is always trying to help out my husband if we're in any sort of financial trouble, I wonder if its cos he feels guilty.
I wonder if he'll ever realise the damage hes done.

[5ho_ib]

Re: sexual abuse

Very Sad indeed. Very sad.

With reference to this thread I would like to refer to a very serious problem in our society.

Late marriges...

[lastknightess]

Re: sexual abuse

If she thinks her father will understand she should tell him, if he's just gonna ignore it she might as well leave it be.

[Ranjhan]

Re: sexual abuse

That is sick man, own family as well. :yukh: :yukh: :yukh:

These *******s need to be castrated and hung upside down by their penis.

[jackie]

Re: sexual abuse

it is very sad. you should encourage her to see a therapist.

[Impulse]

Re: sexual abuse

.

[PrinceMS]

Re: sexual abuse

I talked to one of my collegue who indirectly was involved solving the case of this religious person - who was too close to kids (can't put it anymore adequately).

anyway, she suggests that the girl should talk to her father.

My personal take is:
She would need someone she can rely on completely - if / when her world comes crashing down. This could be her father, husband or in xtreme cases even a friend. She has to feel safe and comfortable with herself and surrounding before she should embark on claiming the justice. I am hoping she is in western country, i think it will be easier to prosecute at whatever level she wants.
she should talk to her closest friends. Just plain talk, sometime just having a listening hear can do miracles.
Its good you didn't advice her to do anything. If she is not sure, do not do anything. Do try to encourage her to be self dependent and make friends.
Unfortuantely, this is an event that effects for life. Professionaly help should be referred but not possible for most families in our culutre.

On a side topic, Canada doesn't have strong enf prosecutions to take care of the problem of child abuse! (just like so many other crimes) Its still better than not having any.....

[minah_pa]

Re: sexual abuse

To the one person who believes that this is because of late marriages sigh

Pedophiles like children and will have sex with a child, any child, if they believe they will get away with it. It is not the sex that gets them off, it is the fear of the child. No man who is correct will have sex with someone who is begging, crying, or scared like a child will be. Most of these men are married and have children that they molest as well and use as a cover of 'normalcy' for their activities.

John Wayne Gacy was a man who was married and had children. He was also very involved in his church and in local organizations helping children, most notably the Boy Scouts. He was a prominent businessman and a Democratic precint captain. He was also a convicted pedophile who (in 3 years) raped, tortured and killed thirty-three young boys. He is suspected to be involved in the death of many others.

Being married or involved in a church or even a person who is well off doesn't mean you can't be a pedophile.

Marriage is not a cure for pedophilia because it is about power not sex.

[Capricorn]

Re: sexual abuse

Astaghfirullah. Allah hum sab ko aisee aazmaishon se apne amaanmein rakhe.
She needs to open up and tell her father regardless of what will happen to the family. I would advise her to do this immediately.

[sara_zzz]

Re: sexual abuse

she should tell her father. because he's probably done this to others as well.

i would beat the crap out of the chacha if i ever met him. - so does her chacha act normal around her like nothing ever happened??

and what does her family having all boys have to do with it??