serious marital issues

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: serious marital issues

i know it sounds stupid saying they are nice but i guess its fate that this relationship is not working like it should be...no one in the community will say anything bad against my in laws or my husband and neither will anyone say bad about my parents or me..everyone will praise both families

22

Re: serious marital issues

The thing is that you're in a bad situation and you don't want to leave it (regarless of what the reasons are). So that means you have to equip yourself with the skills to deal with these people. Yes, they are skills that help a person deal with the husband and in-law drama effectively.

If you really want to continue living in this environment without killing yourself, then I suggest that you start with a meditation program. A program that will help you step by step to develop the skills to take negative energy and transform it into positive energy.

I have learned that when someone is exposed to negative energy, they can respond in 3 ways.

  1. Reflect - meaning repond in the like. If someone yells at you, you yell back. You feel a momentary satisfaction but nothing is really resolved. This is the easiest of all responses and most people live like this.
  2. Absorb - You take the crap and don't respond because you are dealing with people with more status whether in age or money or repect, etc. When you absorb the negativity, your body is being impacted and after time, you will start to develop diseases.
  3. *Transform *- This requires some skill. The recipient of the negative behavior starts looking at life and people with a different perspective that the actions of others have little impact. They are able accept the negative people as they are and respond to negative people/ events as if those things are not negative.

Meditation has been around for thousands of years. There are many types of meditations...find one that is easy for you. There's Islamic Meditation, Gregorian Meditaion, Transformational mediation, sahaja meditation, hindu meditation, budhist meditation...

It all comes down to taking care of yourself for your sake and your kids' sake.

23

Re: serious marital issues

Regardless of whose fault it is, it is disgusting that this man yells publicly and brings his mother and relatives into the room when they fight.

I wonder, if they weren't getting along from the beginning, why have kids?? Now you can't walk away from a bag marriage because their are children in the picture.

Also, I don't understand how the in-laws are being called "nice" when they've threatened to take her children away from her, and tell her to get out of their house every time there's a fight.

24

Re: serious marital issues

Sorry, meant bad marriage, not bag marriage.

25

Re: serious marital issues

^^

You know you can edit your posts or was it meant as marriage with a baggage.

Excellent post BTW. I would agree with you apart from one thing. Most of the times children are not planned. They just happen. Once the first kid is born you dig deeper into the hole from which you would find it very difficult to pull yourself out.

26

Re: serious marital issues

Yes, children are not planned in many cases, but that's what I'm baffled about. WHY aren't they planned? Its the biggest thing in your life, the biggest responsibility that you have to share with your spouse. Everyone knows from the get-go that its important for a child to have both mother and father, and to have a happy, positive environment at home.

If a couple isn't getting along from the beginning, then they're aware of the fact that they're not a good team. Regardless of staying together, their children are never going to get a good, balanced upbringing because of the tension between the parents. And these public, shouting matches surely don't help. Young children are very perceptive, they are like sponges who see and absorb everything going around them and learn from that. As they grow older, they're only going to see more and become more aware of the dysfunctional relationship of their family (including mother and father, as well as mother and grandparents).

Obviously you can't know before you get married how it will turn out. That's why you spend a year getting to know your spouse and see if things are going okay (without having kids). If not, you cut your losses and move on. A marriage as bad as this one isn't worth the consequences any future children are going to suffer, as well as the long term effects it will have on your own mental health and well being.

27

Re: serious marital issues

yaar they do get over hyper when we have fights but they are nice to my jethani. she has been married for 10 years and they treat her like a daughter.. i dont know when and how we got off from the wrong foot..

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[/QUOTE]
Also, I don't understand how the in-laws are being called "nice" when they've threatened to take her children away from her, and tell her to get out of their house every time there's a fight.
[/QUOTE]

28

Re: serious marital issues

and shmeardo we have tried separating also before we had children but everyone said that it;ll get better after we have kids but its getting worse now.. and you know most ppl in our community dont support seperation and divorces

29

Iā€™m in no way proposing divorce but wanted to let you know that divorce is becoming more common amongst Pakistanis and the stigma of divorce is less. Do you live in Pakistan or else where?

Do your in-laws also treat you like a daughter except during the fights? And you have peace for a couple of months?

Your husband firmly believes that he is always right and he takes the fights outside to humiliate you publicly and show you he is right. It will take a lot of hard work on his part for him to see beyond his own perspective.

If you do decide to leave, do it only after making plans and having full support of your family and friends. If you take a step to leave him but are forced to come back due to circumstances, he & his family will mistreat you more a you will be viewed as a traitor. Are things same as before or worse after you returned from your separation period?

30

Re: serious marital issues

Yes Peony i;m in pakistan.. and yes they do treat me well except in the days of the fights.. and my inlaws and husband are pretty stable financially.. and there is no rok tok of going out or anything..

31

Re: serious marital issues

yaar i tried leaving but i dont get much support from my parents as they understand my problems but they are also concerned about community and what ppl would say.. and my sister just got engaged so they worry about her future.. and to tell you the truth i have a very big family with lots of cousins and aunts. but no one's family life is like mine.. they are all happily settled with the normal dose of ups and downs...
and also i want to fix the marriage. i dont want to break it as it 'll affect my girls and frankly my in laws and husband adore my girls :|

32

Let me see if I understand your situation correctly. Please correct me if I got something wrong. I'm on my phone so can't see posts while I reply. I just need to see things listed.

  1. Married 6 years and live in a joint family situation with in-laws (saas, sasoor, jeth, jethani, their 2 kids), Hubby, and your 2 girls.

  2. In-Laws treat you well except when husband involves them into your couple arguments which occur every 2 months or so. During these arguments things get heated, husband & MIL get overly dramatic. They call up your parents or tell you to go back to them without your kids. Questions to OP Are the rest of the family (F IL, BIL, & SIL) also verbally & emotionally abusive at these moments, as well? Are you losing your cool during these occasions? They threaten to keep you away from your kids?

  3. You and hubby haven't gotton along since the beginning. Question to OP Can you elaborate on this?

  4. Your Family and your social circle is not supportive of you leaving your husband. Your sister is engaged and your parents worry how you leaving your husband will impact your sister's marriage.

  5. In-Laws and hubby love and adore your girls.

  6. These fights are taking an emotional toll on you.

7.Your seeking advice on how to manage this situation? Are you seeking anything else?

  1. If anything was possible, What would you want?
33

Re: serious marital issues

hey peony. here is a reply to your questions
1. yes i have been married for 6 years and in a joint family !
2.yes in laws treat me pretty well except for the disputes efery 2-3 months in which only my husband and mil get over hyper and threaten to take away my kids and take out hundred flaws in me some right and some wrong.. but my fil bil try to sort out the situation and keep everyone calm...
3.yeah we havent gotten along from the start.. dont know how it all started...
4. yeah my parents are not supportive and my husband and mil show things from their point of view and my parents always think i;m the culprit
5 ln laws and hubby and esp my mil is very fond of the girls .
6.as the years are passing of the marriage the fights are becoming worse..
i eat ok but i'm loosing weight by the kilos cuz of stress i guess...
i dont know what i want. there is no way i can end this but i want him to understand me and respect me as his life partner.. it s really embarrassing to be insulted in front of the whole family with of without fault
thanks

34

Re: serious marital issues

But I think no matter what it should not be announce in newspaper they are adults not kids ke ammi is ne mujhe se lara ....it should be solved in room once it goes out from bedroom things get worse...

35

Re: serious marital issues

Anmol @ ur husband is same as mine and most of the time we live separate. ILs never help you. My husband dont even care abt our first child as im expecting. Its better to ignore your husband n his family, just concentrate on ur childs n their needs. Give respect to his family n him but dont expect anything. Diamond is right. Unfortunately, my husband don't even pay my financial expenses, Thanks to ALLAH, i have my job to fulfill my needs. I dont even know, he would ever consider me again since his family dont like me and he loves what his mother says.

So stop bothering abt them , ur children r ur life now. live for them and only them. u will have respect n love atleast from them.

36

Re: serious marital issues

reading about some husbands just makes me so sad.....May Allah talah give them hidayat

37

Re: serious marital issues

Dear Anmol,
I am responding to your post with the intention of helping you deal with a stressful situation. I'm going to ask you again, for some more clarification, I hope you don't get offended. Obviously, I'm asking for clarification because I'm not clear on the situation and trying to help you devise the best strategy to turn things around.

Thank God, someone in this family has some sense. Sounds to me like the issue is your Hubby & MIL during these fights. The rest of the time, hubby & MIL are ok. SO would it be fair to say that you have peace for 359 days of the year (fights every 2-3 months = 4-6 fights/ year)

I'm trying to understand the nature of your relationship with your hubby and the issue and don't quite get it. Other than during fights, is he generally a good person? Perhaps different interests and viewpoint from your's but still a good person? Does he want to do what is right? His tactics make me think that he believes that he is always in the right and he is trying to shame you and pressure you into his point of view. Is that a fair statement?

My perspective is that there is goodness in each person and that is at the core of our being and sometimes that goodness is covered up with multiple layers of ego, misinformation (cultural practices, family cultures, etc), and poor coping & life skills. If you can see that goodness inside of him then it will be an easier task to help him uncover those layers and insh'allah create a life of peace and happiness with him.

Stress is awful. It can lead to physical issues. You should go to a doctor and get checked out to make sure that there is no other physical issue that is causing weight loss.

Yes, I can imagine how humiliating this whole situation is like for you. Go on, start thinking as to what you want. How exactly you want your huband to understand you and respect you. How do you want him to treat you and define those things for yourself. You don't have to share them here. But once you figure out what you want, it is easier to obtain it.

38

Re: serious marital issues

hey your life is easier na as you can atleast support your self and your kid... my husband also did these hungamas while i was pregnant and also the day after i came from hospital after delivery .. yeah you are right my children are my life and i;m coping with him for their sake as he is good financial provider for them..

39

Re: serious marital issues

@ peony yes i do get peace you can say for 2-3 months... but when it happens its so intense that once he didnt come into bedroom for 6 nights!!

40

Re: serious marital issues

@ peony .. yes there are of course good quality in every person and also in him and also me but we both dont see it in each other...
i try to avoid things i know he doesnt like like he doesnt like me going to my parents or talking much to them even though he doesnt say it out right but when ever i go there he yells at something or the other after wards in the car .. like once my parents had us for dinner and my other sister came late.. i mean is it my fault she got late..
now i havent gone to my parents for 2 months to he takes me there him self that you should go and all that..
then again my sister had her nikah and my other sister joked with him about something.. to he yells at me in the car afterwards that she said that and this...