My husband and I have decided to separate for 4 months until the end of December. Our relationship has reached crisis point, we both have no patience, no love, no respect, and no tolerance left for each other, At first, I had disapproved of separating because it is me that has to make all the sacrifice ( taking a semester off, moving city to parents house,changing daughter’s school, and worried about how the kids will react age 4 and 1), where on the other hand, my husband gets to stay home and continue his education and work. But I have now realized that this the best decision for us. I hope things get better after this. However, my husband has clearly told me twice that he wants to end this marriage and we are giving it a try ( by separating) for the sake of his parents. But I cannot imagine raising two kids on my own, they need his as much as they need me. Also, my uncle is coming over to give some legal advice and the pros and cons of separating as a third party because he is related to that profession.
So my question to you people is that has anyone been through this process? If yes, then what were the outcomes? And what can I do to change our relationship in a positive manner during the separation period? I am planning on having zero contact with him during these 4 months, other than anything regarding the kids and he will be visiting them during the separation.
Why does your husband want to end things? What are his reasons?
And why do you hold your sacrifices against him? I realize you've made them but you made them voluntarily for your marriage and kids. They're not an "ehsaan" on anyone. It is an ehsaan on you when he supports you or his kids? Should he hold that against you?
If I were you and wanted to save this marriage...I'd throw my resentment out the window and start fresh. I'd take a break but a really small one to clear my head maybe...not a 4 month one.
First, I'd pray to Allah swt to forgive any mistakes I might have made inadvertently to bring my marriage to this point. I'd ask him to clean my heart of any negativity and allow me to focus solely on my family. I am not religious...but praying has helped me so many times when I've been about to do something stupid out of anger. Second, I'd fix my attitude and kill my ego. Someone wise told me years ago that there is NO room for an ego in marriage and I've realized now that its true. Confidence, yes. Ego, no. Third, I'd put all of my energy into creating the best possibly atmosphere in my home. Be nice, kind, caring, etc. Do whatever it takes.
This is all of course based on the assumption that my husband was a good man and also wanted to make things work.
And what can I do to change our relationship in a positive manner during the separation period? I am planning on having zero contact with him during these 4 months, other than anything regarding the kids and he will be visiting them during the separation.
How can you attempt to change the relationship in a 'positive manner' if you plan to have 'zero contact' with him? If you think about it, it doesn't make much sense.
I agree with Reha. You both should be a team. It's not uncommon for one spouse to give up work and education for a while, or to go from staying at home to working full time to support their partner/kids, or to move to another location..sometimes even internationally...for their partner and the marriage. There will always be times when either partner will find themselves sacrificing their time, their money, their sleep for the other....but you do it for the overall good for the marriage and children...and so it's not a complete and utter loss; there is some good (hopefully) to be gained from those compromises provided that you see the bigger picture and not just zero-in on the what you have had to give up.
Your post is vague, Op. You have not really provided us with enough reasons for why you think a divorce is the best or even valid decision. Maybe you will expand upon it later. Children move to new locations all the time from cities to countries to schools. And it can be challenging but it's not impossible. And younger children don't form as strong attachments with their environment, so change is easier for them to adjust to.
If you seek a more positive change in your relationship, you can do that by changing your body language and manner of speaking to your husband. But I think you already knew that. You avoid things like sarcasm and snide remarks and accusations and bringing up the past and keeping score and trashing each others' parents and and cursing etc etc. You mentally and verbally acknowledge the good traits in each other, you show gratitude/appreciation for the big and little things, you praise more than criticize, etc etc.
Time to start with a clean slate. There's a lot of he said, she said that's hurtful which you need to let go. Do look into finding a therapist for yourself so you can discuss how you feel with someone who isn't family. Even your uncle is going to take sides so its best if you at least have a good talk with someone who is not emotionally involved and is qualified to give you support.
Maybe they can show you your married life in a new perspective. Things that seemed one way may be just be the opposite. It's also the time to analyze your own behaviour and see if there are habits you both have gotten into that add more fire to the situation. Couples sometimes just don't see all the bad habits they've accumulated so the time away will help you.
With such young kids it's also max stress period so you should also see whether these external factors are the true cause or real personality clashes.
You need to sort out communication issues because regardless of what you guys decide your kids will bind you forever. They need a routine and since they're so young you will need to maintain a bridge between their dad for them. Regular Skype calls and email exchanges of their upkeep are necessary no matter how much you want to shut down communication. it's also a test for dad. Good dads will run to their kids every opportunity they get and bad dads will be lazy and inconsistent. You will see the preview of how important the kids are to dad.
Also start planning for the worst case scenario. You need to start building a game plan for a lot of whatifs.
And what can I do to change our relationship in a positive manner during the separation period? I am planning on having zero contact with him during these 4 months, other than anything regarding the kids and he will be visiting them during the separation.
1) The first thing you need to do is get counseling for YOURSELF. I saw your previous thread and it sounds like you have lived in a unhealthy situation for years. You need to talk to someone who will 100% neutral and who will help you sort through your own feelings/perspectives. If your kids are old enough to where they understand what's going on meaning they understand that you moved out of the house.....then have your kids meet with a child therapist so they have help dealing with their own feelings.
2) Please post here what your uncle tells you. I am generally against getting legal advice from family members, especially in these type of situations, because for most desis, it's almost impossible to remain neutral.
3) You need to form a back-up plan. Not being able to support yourself/kids should NOT be a reason for you to stay in this marriage. You wrote you took a semester off school. Are you able to take online courses so you're not behind? Are you able to get a part-time job, ANY job, so that you're getting used to working and have a small amount of money saved up?
4) Raising two kids on your own is hard. But going by your previous thread, that environment with your in-laws sounded very toxic. Your in-laws fighting with one another and you fighting with your husband on a regular basis is a horrible way for your kids to grow up. It will give them a very negative view of marriage. So if you're going to work on this marriage, I would recommend moving out of the in-laws home is something that really needs to happen (assuming your husband is willing to make that sacrifice for your and his children).
5) Your kids need a mom and dad who love them and are working together to raise them. They do not need a mom/dad who are constantly fighting and have no tolerance for one another. If being separated/divorced will get you and your husband to stop fighting regularly, and your husband is still willing to stay involved in the kids lives, then it's not like your kids are losing their dad.
Your husband is clearly not interested in making this marriage work. Your MIL and FIL fight, and you and your husband cant stand each other. Please do your kids a favour and leave this house. Your kids will ultimately learn to live without their father, but growing up in a toxic environment will destroy their personalities forever. Your husband is neither a good husband, nor a good father, he is just a good mama's boy. Let him stay in his parents godi, and leave. He would have made an effort to make this marriage work if he loved his kids.
If this 4 months separation help you guys reignite the sparks then stay. Else leave without worrying about the future. Ya tou aar ya paar.
How can you attempt to change the relationship in a 'positive manner' if you plan to have 'zero contact' with him? If you think about it, it doesn't make much sense.
Your post is vague, Op. You have not really provided us with enough reasons for why you think a divorce is the best or even valid decision. Maybe you will expand upon it later. Children move to new locations all the time from cities to countries to schools. And it can be challenging but it's not impossible. And younger children don't form as strong attachments with their environment, so change is easier for them to adjust to.
I do not want to be in contact with him because I am fed up of the blame game. My husband is being very stubborn at the moment, he think everything is all my fault, and I am some evil person who's destroying his life. On the other hand, I think that we are both equally responsible for our problems and only I should be blamed for everything. Plus what's the point of living away and being on phone with each other 24 hrs? And we have not spoken a word since the past 4 days. I think we should both take a break from each other so we can realize the importance of being together as a family.
And I do not want a divorce that is why we are having a trial separation. But my husband wants this at the moment. Im not sure what's making him take such a big decision, maybe he's saying this in anger. But we will discuss this after spending some time alone.
I honestly don't think you should do this, it almost seems like the easy way out! I have read your previous posts as well & think that both of you have quite strong personalities which are clearly clashing and has created resentment over a period of time. Instead of separating for 4 months try couples counseling for 4 months.
If you live in a toxic relationship & decided to take a break from it, you will probably love the next 4 months and would want that in ur life but those months wont be a true representation of ur life. Its like the honeymoon period of a divorce, first everything will seem fine and then reality & the complexities of the situation will hit maybe even the thought that you both should have tried other outlets.
I have seen enough divorces to tell you this, the step to separate should be taken after you are 90 percent convinced that you both have tried everything & explored all possible solutions amongst yourself to save ur relationship and that the next few months away from each other will give yourselves and ur children time to adjust to this arrangement and meantime explain the situation properly to them. Are you there yet?
Relationships aren't as complicated as we have made them to be and the oldest rule of the game is 'talk it out instead of running away from a situation and hoping it would magically get fixed'.
Get a marriage counselor involved if at this point you guys cant manage to have a decent conversation with each other without throwing resentment at each other. Also, be ready to curb your personalities if this is going to work
My husband is not ready for any sort of counselling. We are not even communicating directly anymore. Before involving my side of the family, I asked him to let's try and resolve the issues between ourselves but he asked his parents to contact mine to take me and the kids to their home. At first, my parents and I refused on separating because our problems are not so big for this step to be taken. I wanted to stay in my home and face the problems so they could be resolved quickly. But then my in laws threatened me that they will take my husband back to Pakistan if I don't leave, and they seemed pretty serious about it. So I then decided to separate because currently, only I am trying to save this marriage and if i had not taken this decision then things could have gotten worse.
If you change and improve yourself, look inwards and see what flaws you need to work on, would your husband attempt the same inward improvement on himself? The whole thing of improving oneself is great but a relationship takes two people trying to make it work. She's saying that he sees all faults in her and she is the one to blame for everything going downhill with the marriage.
The way she's described him, he does not look like the kind of person to look inwards. I understand what Reha is saying and that is a great way towards saving the marriage but if he does not see anything wrong in his own past actions, then what chance is there that the marriage will survive when he is not in the least flexible and wanting to save the relation with her.
During the separation, I wonder if he'll miss you to the point where he'll see that your lives would be empty and meaningless without each other. Will he feel that urgency to change himself too? You know him better than anyone on this forum. Do you think he is the type to feel that panic and urgency?
However, my husband has clearly told me twice that he wants to end this marriage and we are giving it a try ( by separating) for the sake of his parents.
And I do not want a divorce that is why we are having a trial separation. But my husband wants this at the moment.
My husband is not ready for any sort of counselling. he asked his parents to contact mine to take me and the kids to their home.
You need to get counseling and work on yourself. As far as this marriage goes, if your husband is not willing to continue the marriage, then this will end in divorce. In order for a marriage to work, both people have to want continue it. If your husband is not willing to work on it and HE himself basically kicked you and the kids out of the house.....then it's time you need to start being realistic. Work on yourself and stay open to your husband changing his mind. BUT also seriously start coming up with a back-up plan in the event that your husband does not want you/kids to return after 4 months.
^ agree with above posts 12 and 13. It takes two to make something work. Your husband asked his parents to ask your parents to take you and your kids home. Is he such a baby that he had to have his parents intervene on his behalf?
Also, it is up to you to ensure you don't fall behind in your classes. I don't see why you should - unless the commute to the uni is too long. Maybe take courses in nearby unI as stop gap
And wanted to add that you should start discussing custody of the kids. The 1 year old can't leave you but the 4 year old can. Your husband is separating from his wife NOT his children. What kind of BS father kicks his kids out of the home. If you had asked earlier I would have flat out advised you to leave your kids behind. It goes against all your motherly instincts but dad needs to remember he's a full time dad not time pass baby sitter.
These 4 months are going to be heaven for him without the responsibility of the kids so obviously divorce is going to be the option. You're making his life way too easy.
And it sounds like the husband has already made up his mind. 4-months of not having the the wife there means 4 months of no arguments when husband gets home from work. 4-months of not being nagged about things like why he didn’t buy flowers and not having to pick a side between wife and mother. His parents seem to support the idea of divorce too since they’re the one’s who called wife’s parents. If the father hasn’t developed an attached to a child in 4 years, it’s not going to happen in 4 months.
He isnt ready to talk, he doesnt want counselling, his parents are threatening to take him to Pakistan- these people dont want you! Dont waste your life here.
If the dad is so usless that he can’t even be trusted not to harm his own child then yes divorce is the only option. I don’t see why anyone would want to retain such a lovely relationship.
But if courts are involved and dad doesn’t give up parental rights then the 4 year old is still going to get tossed back and forth. I don’t see how dad can be completely avoided. Better to keep that threat of perpetual child custody as a threat rather than letting him wash his hands of his children completely.
Also, it is up to you to ensure you don't fall behind in your classes. I don't see why you should - unless the commute to the uni is too long. Maybe take courses in nearby unI as stop gap
I live in a different city from my parents (almost 4 hours away) . I am taking one online course because my uni doesn't have many online courses for my program