And wanted to add that you should start discussing custody of the kids. The 1 year old can't leave you but the 4 year old can. Your husband is separating from his wife NOT his children. What kind of BS father kicks his kids out of the home. If you had asked earlier I would have flat out advised you to leave your kids behind. It goes against all your motherly instincts but dad needs to remember he's a full time dad not time pass baby sitter.
These 4 months are going to be heaven for him without the responsibility of the kids so obviously divorce is going to be the option. You're making his life way too easy.
The children will be staying with me even if divorce takes place. And I'm hoping that he might realize our importance in his life during our absence.
I live in a different city from my parents (almost 4 hours away) . I am taking one online course because my uni doesn't have many online courses for my program
In that case, there is no reason for you to fall behind in your course work.
My husband is not ready for any sort of counselling. We are not even communicating directly anymore. Before involving my side of the family, I asked him to let's try and resolve the issues between ourselves but he asked his parents to contact mine to take me and the kids to their home. At first, my parents and I refused on separating because our problems are not so big for this step to be taken. I wanted to stay in my home and face the problems so they could be resolved quickly. But then my in laws threatened me that they will take my husband back to Pakistan if I don't leave, and they seemed pretty serious about it. So I then decided to separate because currently, only I am trying to save this marriage and if i had not taken this decision then things could have gotten worse.
What kind of grandparents are okay with not seeing their grandkids and separating them from their father? Seriously what times are we living in? Age of jahiliya is far from over it seems.
Your husband is acting like the kids are solely your responsibility. What does he mean when he asked his parents to contact yours and take you and your kids away ? did you bring those kids in your Jahez ?
Just propose you leaving the kids behind with him and going to your parents house and see how he is will fry.
Such an easy way out for him , you go , kids go and he is back to his bachelor status ....wah wah what a proposal !!!
I am telling you these 4 months will never end. Tell him to go find another place , that's your and your kids home too , if he has a problem he should move out and make sure that he sends you an adequate allowance to run the house and meet all the expenses.....why are you compromising so much ?....take a firm stand don't go....get him out ! and if he forces you call the police that he is forcing you and kids out.....ithna lehaz kiyoon karna ? when you know the marriage is going to end anyway.
and mark my words once you will leave he will use this against you that you left him and if there is any legal proceeding in future that will be in his favour...it will be like "woh chor kay chali gayee thi main kia karta "..... Don't leave your home that's my sincere advise to you.
If OP is in the U.S., there is not concept of “allowance”. Even if she stays in the house and the husband leaves, the husband can refuse to pay her a penny UNTIL an official divorce is filed. Then the court can order him to pay child support and depending in the state the lives in, the court can order alimony. But until a divorce is actually filed, he can’t be forced to pay any money regardless of who moves out of the home.
BTW, this wife staying in the house gets tricky when the in-laws live in the same house! So even if the husband leaves…what will her (and the kids) day-to-day life will be like with the FIL/MIL still in the house? Or do you think she should demand the in-laws move out too?
@Nad e Ali - Did you uncle talk to you about the legal issues?
My uncle didn't come because my in laws refused to discuss the problems with any outsider. And I am thinking of changing my mind about moving out after reading the above posts. I am going to speak with my husband and if he still wants to separate then he should be the one leaving not me. I really don't care anymore even if he goes to Pakistan, maybe he really needs a vacation to get his mind functioning properly.
I agree with not wasting your and your children's precious childhoods around a marriage that is not working. It's not that easy for anyone to come to the conclusion of divorce and separation. From the outside all we see it is as is giving up but I think in this situation Op ses to have tried different ways of avoiding that but her husband isn't willing to work with her either. Why prolong something. Yes op your making all of the scarifices again but the only way for you to maintain positivity in this scenario and as well as civil communication with your husband is by letting go resentment and forgiving him once you've had a fresh start. Do you really think he will agree to move out with his parents? Be prepared for more drama. Yes, he's getting the easy way out by you moving out but how much more fighting will you endure? I don't see a resolution in staying, if only one person is willing to make this work then it won't work. if he agrees then you get some piece of mind and for the sake of your kids I hope however you want works out but this situation seems hopeless from what I have read. Based on that personally separating seems best if your family is willing to help you with your children.
The he inkaws threatening to take him to Pakistan sounds so so dumb. How can people be so selfish in front of two little children. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Not to go back into the past but I'm just thinking what caused such a harshness in the way your husband sees you and your children like this. I know that there are some people that are just raised that way or have always been like that from the beginning right from the honeymoon stage but was there ever a time when you had a loving relationship with him? For him to be so cold to you and for there to be that feeling of having no regrets, total selfishness when it comes to ending his marriage, what got him to this very harsh point?
Why can’t your uncle talk to YOU about your legal options? I have no idea why your uncle is discussing ANYTHING with your in-laws.
Does your husband own the house (meaning is his name on the house title/deed)? And if you went back to the house and your in-laws/husband went to Pakistan, do you have enough money to run the home (pay all bill/grocery etc.)? Do you have childcare to help with the 2 kids while you continue classes?
You need to work on this. And he does too. The purpose of separation is to give you and him time to cool down, and then review on what each of you needs to do to fix things. Introspection. Come back to the table. Say you care about each other. That person is the other parent to your kids. That's no small relation. Think about it.
Your husband is acting like the kids are solely your responsibility. What does he mean when he asked his parents to contact yours and take you and your kids away ? did you bring those kids in your Jahez ?
Just propose you leaving the kids behind with him and going to your parents house and see how he is will fry.
Such an easy way out for him , you go , kids go and he is back to his bachelor status ....wah wah what a proposal !!!
I am telling you these 4 months will never end. Tell him to go find another place , that's your and your kids home too , if he has a problem he should move out and make sure that he sends you an adequate allowance to run the house and meet all the expenses.....why are you compromising so much ?....take a firm stand don't go....get him out ! and if he forces you call the police that he is forcing you and kids out.....ithna lehaz kiyoon karna ? when you know the marriage is going to end anyway.
Couldn't agree more.
Plz dont leave your home, why should you upheave your kids, esp since one attends school. This is your home, why should you go back to your parents? He can't force you to leave.
The whole purpose of a separation is to give time to think things through n calm down but if he is willing to get up n leave n go to pakistan without considering his kids then I don't think he is willing to try. If if there are issues between the parents, I don't c why the kids should suffer the lose by being separated from one parent, at the end of the day he is their father n he should know his responsibilities. To me the father is the fun parent.
yes I did not leave my home. My parents came over and resolved the issue. My husband and I are giving our relationship another try and we have promised each other to try our best to make it work for the kids and for ourselves. Thank you everyone for your suggestions, I found them very useful.
I have no idea why your uncle is discussing ANYTHING with your in-laws.