It is. If a man wants to buck up, he can. They're HIS parents. Just like mine are MINE. I would never marry anyone who I felt couldn't be there for me or mine if and when I needed them. If I don't care for them, who will? If he doesn't understand his responsibilities...why is he married?
*so you think that kind of behavior is spotable before getting married?? you seriously think that someone would let you know about it beforehand??.........and you think that those guys knew beforehand that their wives would make them kick out their parents and they still married those women??
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The thing is...its not necessary to be unjust to one to be just to another. I despise this thinking that in order to be good to my wife, I have to be unfair to my mother or vice versa. Why? Who says?
*You are talking how things should be............ i am talking about how things are in real...... people do end up in situations where they are forced to make a choice......
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And WHY are we assuming the wife is doing the kicking? Seriously, har baat mein hamesha larki ko kyun badnaam karte hein? I have seen many families where the son himself is irresponsible and doesn't care anymore about what happens to his parents.
That thread lil_ash posted in Life1 where her brother gave his mother an attitude when she needed money for her medications. Where is the wife in that picture?
You know what the bottom line is in my eyes...
If you want to make something work, you can. I know you can because we do it everyday. If you want to be there for your parents, you will.
i know… you can… just explaining about those who fail to…
girl ko blame to karna parega na…in majority of the cases…parents live with the son…
and who do you think is the person who doesn’t like the in-laws in vicinity??
and there are many many cases where sons actually murder their parents, or take their property and whatnot…but those are in minority.
There can’t ever be a valid enough reason to put yr parents @ care home unless ur dead! but yes i know what nomi is talking about, the wife’s pressure and her basically making your life a living hell unless you move your parents. All the excuses come in that we don’t have privacy, not enough time for kids, i get tired, etc etc but it’s for the husband to judge the situation and make the necessary amends but moving your parents out of your home is def not what is to be done :k:.
How is taking turns the same as being with them all the time? You get a break from doing all that no? I'm fine with washing my parents and all that but watching them forget who I am and not recognize me as their daughter would kill me.
My grandfather was only put in a nursing home at late stages of his life because we wanted to make him as comfortable as we could. We visited him and all my family came together to say their last good byes.
My mother and grand mother took care of him the most and they are gravely affected by it. You would hope that life moves on for the living but my grand mother is like a hollow body. She is too depressed to do anything even after a year (this is the same with my mom). The amount of mental and physical energy she used drained them.
I asked my mom if she would want to live with us when shes old and she refused reason being that she didn't want to be surrounded by too much noise (kids etc) and she said that it puts a lot of strain on the couple. I asked my co-worker if she would want to live with one of her daughters when she's older and she also refused because the Japanese government has a good care home system and she would be around people her own age.
I also have a friend that recently brought her grand mother back from a nursing home because it was a waste of money (not good enough service, people "leaving" etc). She was put in a nursing home because after 3years my friends uncle couldn't take care of her anymore. She gets anxious quite easily and because she has Alzheimer's she asks the same questions repeatedly. She also loses her stuff all the time and turns her room upside down trying to look for it.
My friend says that she doesn't mind that her grand mother lives with them but its not an easy task and you would need a looot of patience to take care of her because even though she's her grand mother she's not the same person...
So yah I don't care what my hubby says if he dies before me I'm not going to let my kids/SIL/BIL/grandkids take care of me just because they owe me or whatever. I'm going to check myself into the best nursing home and their money can go towards that.
If the wife doesn't work that means she would be taking care of HIS parents. How can you think thats fair? It shouldn't be an easy decision and definitely not decided just by one person.
In this world we have sentimental attachment to objects like our favourite dress our old bikes and cars even we dont throw them away so how can we send our parents away from our sight while they r still alive and living on same planet....
Requiring assistance and sending them off to a long term care home or retirement home are two very different things. I absolutely agree that we are not equipped with the knowledge to care for elderly who are frail and may have many chronic conditions. I would forgo my own luxuries and keep my parents home with hired help if needed BUT I will not put them in a LTC home. I have been to these places and honestly they are very sad places. I was at an alzheimer unit of a LTC home where an lady came up to me and started talking to me - I didn't understand what she was saying because it wasn't English but I could tell all she wanted to do was talk and feel wanted. Wouldn't you want your loved ones around you and feel loved and cared for when you are sick and perhaps dying?
Well said...in my papa's case, he had taken early retirement from his job here in the states and moved back to khi...4 months later he was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer. My immediate knee jerk reaction was to demand that he move back to the US to live with me..my sister in dubai reasoned with me..papa did not sign up for his Medicare benefits before he left US...it would be virtually impossible for me to handle his care alone considering at the time I had a 4yr old and 2 yr old twins...so we decided to let him stay in Khi at my chacha's house for his treatment, where we could afford to hire a male nurse to stay with him 24/7 to help with his care...BUT...each one of us three sisters was with him at all times...we all took turns going to karachi to care for papa so that we could ensure that at least one of us was with him at all times....ab humari qismat ki baat hai kai almost immediately, ammi was diagnosed with end stage uteran cancer back here in the US...when it was clear that their was nothing else that could be done for her, we decided to bring her home and use hospice care. We had a fulltime nurse at home (they worked in shifts) and the hospice doctor came to check 3 times a week. At first they told us we shouldn't expect her to last more than 2-3 days...My ammi stayed alive for 16 days...and each of those days was painfully agonizing. We literally watched her die. Same with my father. The last time I was with him, the cancer had spread so much it was cutting off the oxygen supply to his brain and dimentia was setting in. He could not recognize pictures of my children. He tried to eat a hairbrush. He dropped his shalwar in the middle of Aga Khan Hospital. But you know what..I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm not trying to come off as some sort of saint or goody two shoes, believe me, I know how difficult it is to see/care for the elderly in those situations. I lived it. It's a decision that not everyone can make, however, I just hope everyone reading this will learn from me that no matter how hard, inconvenient, difficult it will be, It is also THE most humbling and rewarding experience, to be able to care for the parents who brought you into this world. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that I would be watching my parents take their last breaths. Allah SWT unko jannat naseeb karay.
Not going to judge anyone else who does because you never really know anyone's situation. But I could never send my parents to a nursing home.I love them way too much. And even if I din't I respect them way too much, I want to be able to take care of my parents whenever they need me till their last breath. And I wouldn't want to send my MIL or FIL to the nursing home either! Ameen
all I gotta say is, you have the be selfish to do it..
whatever happens, noise comfort you gotta do your best so they are comfortable LIVING WITH YOU. I would rather die than put my own parents or hubby's parents in a nursing home... May Allah give me the chance to take care of them..why should I waste all that reward? For a few easy nights of sleep? No thanks, i'm so OCD over stuff i'd never be comfortable with other people looking after the parents needs...
It all depends on what kind of person you are..we don't 'owe' our parents anything because we could never repay them even if we stayed awake for 1000 years and looked after them. Parents are after the God and the Prophet, and that says everything.
It is the duty of children to care for their parents in their old age in the best way that they can. And sometimes that means an assisted living situation. Particularly in the west, where families are small, it is simply not possible to care for an elder AND have a job and earn a living. We don't have servants here, we don't have joint family living arrangements with handy spare aunties and nieces there to share the tasks. Reality is much more complicated than "Oh, if you don't personally do everything, you're a bad daughter/son".
And also remember that not all parents WANT to be taken care of by their children. Some don't wish to be a burden or be made to feel that they are. They are happy to have their independence. American oldies especially look at being dependent on anyone, even their own kids, as a living death. NOT insisting that they give up their independence is in fact respecting their personhood.
:k:.