I’ve often noticed many guppies suggesting and supporting the idea of sending abusive husbands to jail. Although it may seem like the right thing to do, but I still feel a bit nervous and worried about other women taking such steps. Mainly because if a husband is brave enough to physically and mentally abuse you in the West, while fully knowing that he could be sent to jail, I can’t imagine the stuff he might do to his spouse once he returns from the jail.
By going to jail, not only does it make the individual very upset, but it also makes him look very bad in the society as well as minimizes the options of getting a good job once out of jail.
Getting divorced and leaving an abusive husband sounds more reasonable to me than throwing someone in jail and getting divorced.
I know of a desi friend whose very desi wife called the police and made him spend the weekend in jail. Knowing both of them to some extent, I can bet my bottom dollar it was HER fault. He didn't even hit her. She had anger management issues, got out of control and while pounding the hubby with frying pan, injured herself in the process. Saw that as an opportunity to make him suffer even more...so called the cops who took him in even though he was injured worst than her.
Depends on the situation. But domestic abuse is a crime. Your logic is akin to
“Well yeah, he murdered my family member…but well, if I send him to jail, he will get even more angry and less willing to repent, and he’ll come back and kill me or another family member…”
It depends on your justice system.
For domestic abuse, the first step should really be to take him to see a counselor, so that he can try to ease out of it.
But it also depends on how bad the violence is. If its to the point that he’s breaking your bones…
And yeah, we can all pull in stories of "i know this person who went thru such-and-such", but it doesn't matter. Each case is different. I can tell you guys to look at Zakk's thread on the topic in Culture, where its cited that an Arab husband abused his wife - she didn't report him - he ended up killing her and then killing himself.
Domestic abuse has varying degrees.
You have emotional abuse - which is pretty rampant in pakistani society.
then you have the occasional light push and shove - maybe a thappar.
then you have beating that is resulting in bruises.
then you have beating that lands you in the hospital.
then you have beating that breaks your bones.
then you have beating that results in death...which is basically known as "murder", but our desis stay away from calling it killing and instead say ke "woh martaa tha". Yeah, whatever. Its murder.
One of my guy friends got his nuts kicked by his wife during an argument and didn't divorce the psycho until year and a half later. Some people just dont have a clue. They need to kicked in the nuts.
Not sending a physically abusive spouse to jail out of feelings of forgiveness or for the sake of children so they might not think badly about their parent is understandable but not taking action because they might become worse afterwards reflects on serious self esteem issues. Such people are prone to suffer abuse and not stand up to their abuser.
Gabru - it doesn't matter what he did to her...a woman has no right to hit the man in the nuts. They can't comprehend the pain and long term suffering a man goes through. It's worst than labor pain.
Sadiyah, I know you're a traditional conservative girl. But this comment really concerns me.
By going to jail, not only does it make the individual very upset, but it also makes him look very bad in the society as well as minimizes the options of getting a good job once out of jail.
Do you think men who hit their wives should look good in society?
Do you think society should be giving them good jobs?
If you had an applicant asking for a job who you knew is a domestic abuser, and another guy who does not - which one would you hire?
If he can raise his hand against his wife, then he can bloody murder you too the day he's pissed off at his "boss". I personally would hire the latter, because he is more safe, and chances are he'll work better with co-workers.
I'm sorry, Sadiyah, but that comment of yours really struck me as very immature and very apologetic to males. I know you're not much of a feminist, but I think even Islam gives more rights to women being hit by their husbands.
Well what kind of laws are in place to protect the women who have been abused and whose husbands or ex-husbands have been thrown in jail?
ahmadjee, what does it have to do with self-esteem? I'd rather leave the husband who is abusive than to deal with him once he gets released from the jail. I'm more concerned about my protection here than anything else.
Also, typically how long does a man gets thrown in jail for abusing his wife?
You can get a restraining order when he's released in the US.
Islamically, I don't know the punishment for domestic abuse actually. I don't know if they're permanently locked away or what.
But if he comes out, in America, and tries to get back at you - you can re-send his butt to jail. I think if he does it enough times, then the length of term he has to carry out gets longer or so.
PCG, I wasn't speaking from an Islamic perspective to begin with. I'm speaking from a perspective as to what might happen to me after he gets released from the jail. What kind of protection would I be guranteed?
And that comment of mine is what I think a husband may think and use it against his wife or ex-wife once released from jail.
Even if I get a husband thrown in jail, I'd make sure I relocate where he may not come back and avenge me getting him thrown in jail.
So does that mean OJ shouldn't have been reported and sent to Jail? The wife died anyway - she would have died a lot earlier had she not taken action against him.
And besides, that case is so fuzzy - whether or not he was really responsible for her death still seems unclear.
Sadiyah, nowadays visiting jail is not that big of an issue. Her koi aik adad chakkar tau laga hee laita hay.
Your concern about job stems from a question on Job Application where it asks if you have been to jail...that question is only for criminal offense, etc and not for domestic abuse. So, it shouldn't affect his future job chances.
Sadiyah, such fears of worse is what keeps most women and some men in abusive relationships and it is part of self-esteem. Those people who have the courage to get a divorce don't mind sending them to jail either.
Sadiyah, you can have a restraining order, alarms on your house, hire body guards, set up a security system around your house - cameras etc.
Like I said, if he makes a second attempt after coming out from jail, he goes back in and depending on how well you fight your case, you can get him to stay in jail for more years.
The American justice system is far from perfect, but there are ways.
Like I said, it also depends on the kind of violence. Are you going to throw someone in jail that verbally abuses you? Probably not worth the effort.
If he's hit you and broken bones, I personally would. If he's beginning to hit children, then again yes. If he's threatening to kill me if I divorce him, then yes.
Every case is different. Like we saw with sumer - he was already giving her death threats. And her family members as well.
I mean, tolerance is one thing. But there is a limit. Akhir mein a person will get fed-up once their threshold is reached.
Besides, Sadiyah - canadian law is different. You might want to check around with lawyers, social workers, etc - who have an idea of what steps a woman should take under what circumstances if she's a victim of domestic abuse. You have to work with the system in place.
A physically abusive husband should know that there are consequences for his actions. Like PCG said it may be just emotional abuse in the beginning. Sometimes when that escalates up to bones being broken then it has been going on so long that the abuser feels he can get away with anything. The wife has probably completely lost her self-esteem and has a broken spirit. If she's hit rock bottom she may not be able to stand up for herself let alone get him jailed. But there must be some point where she feels ok, enough is enough, i'm outta here. Then comes the realization that he can't get away with this anymore. A husband who is abusive and is given a divorce may also be the husband who sees his wife as HIS posession. He may think, "You can't leave me and go on to enjoy life with someone else."
