As stated by various people here marriage is about commitment, respect and equality. In that regard wouldn’t it make sense to respect your spouse in his desire to smoke or drink? Of course the baseline assumption is that both activities do not lead to any form of abuse and are conducted without losing ones senses.
**If you’re going to smoke in the presence of your spouse…would that not affect your spouse’s health? Second-hand smoke is more dangerous. Where’s the respect in that? You could compromise with your partner and smoke away from your spouse…but then you have also have to consider that some people are not too keen on kissing an ashtray and some are offended (even allergic) to the smell of smoke which can get into the clothes and linger. So you can go about your habit…but you need to have consideration for your partner…because your choices can affect them as well.
**** Also, there are some illnesses which are beyond one’s control. But keep in mind that even if one conducts a habit (such as smoking) in a tactful manner (by not smoking around their partner/using mouthwash, etc)…over time…the habit can lead to serious health consequences. If you end up getting lung cancer…that will NOT just be your problem. It’s going to affect your spouse, your children. They’re gonna have to deal with the emotional/psychological/financial consequences. Even the most “considerate” of smokers…would be aware of this. So, while it may not be required to seek your partner’s permission to do something…some compromises might have to be made…and since it’s a partnership…your actions can affect the other person. And with certain habits…you can’t always guarantee that no “abuse” or “damage” will occur. So, it’s not unreasonable for your partner to be concerned.**
In that regard men who do have to ask their wife to have a drink or a smoke or even take a trip with the boys, isn’t that a case of inequality and not of partnership itself? Or rather where the woman places restrictions on what the husband enjoys for the reason she does not agree with them?
**Again, ASKING is NOT the same thing as sharing/informing/discussing/telling. If you were to take a trip with the boys without telling your wife…and she has no clue where you are and is panicking…isn’t that unfair? Does such a lack of courtesy/responsibility reflect partnership? Even in the event that your parnter is okay with your smoking, let’s say, and has no problems with you doing it away from her…if you get lung cancer…as a result of a habit that YOU deliberately chose to engage in…and thus you end up putting your partner through the pain of dealing with that as well…what do you think of that? Where do you draw the line? I think your idea of “asking” and “losing independence” is too simplified. Chiding can be also done out of love. And in some cases it can reflect insecurity. For example, if a woman is afraid of her husband spending time with the boys cuz she fears he’ll be up to no good…unless he’s given her reason to doubt him…that could be a sign of her insecurity. Not all women are like that, you can’t generalize. **