Completely agree that it is not the same for all married men blessed2006, but I find the answers so far intriguing. Some form of independence on the part of the husband (where say he does not seek permission to drink, smoke or say buy a new car or a motorbike) is seen as a failure on part of the marriage or the inability to live cohesively.
Theres a difference between independence and just forcing it on your spouse. Plus the examples you listed, if done, really are a big deal that if done are somewhat of a failure on the person.
Completely agree that it is not the same for all married men blessed2006, but I find the answers so far intriguing. Some form of independence on the part of the husband (where say he does not seek permission to drink, smoke or say buy a new car or a motorbike) is seen as a failure on part of the marriage or the inability to live cohesively.
If I had a room mate...that smoked and drank...I would not want to live with them for too long. Just because it conflicts so directly with my lifestyle.
Completely agree that it is not the same for all married men blessed2006, but I find the answers so far intriguing. Some form of independence on the part of the husband (where say he does not seek permission to drink, smoke or say buy a new car or a motorbike) is seen as a failure on part of the marriage or the inability to live cohesively.
this statement **"Honey....you know the guys....well they want to go to Vegas....its really for a business trip" **looks like as if the husband is afraid of his wife and thinks the wife will tell him off if he goes out with his friends for fun. i think it should be like this for example if a husband (or even wife) wants to buy a new car then he should tell her saying "i am planning to buy a new car what do you think" rather than saying "oh can i buy a new car" such things should have involvement of both coz what if the other person has some other plans with that money.
if i want to buy something i will surely not seek my spouse's permission rather i will discuss and see what my spouse has to say. coz maybe my spouse knows about a better deal.
(drinking and smoking are different issues. one should know his/her limits...its not about permission in any way. drinking is forbidden so the question of permission deosnot arise in both and wife and husband's case-my point of view here is islamic...cant say anything about non-islamic ppl)
.....why is it that married men need to seek permission from their wives when they need to do something potentially dangerous and stupid?
Single guy: Vegas here I come. Sweet a job in Iraq I will be there next week.
Married guy: "Honey...you know the guys....well they want to go to Vegas....its really for a business trip...."
Now I am not married (one of the few single desi guys this side of the Arctic circle) but my married friends have lost all sort of independence they had. May any of the married men shed light on the matter? Its hardly worthwhile when you had to deal with an overprotective desi mother (and most desi mothers are overprotective) and now you have to listen to another woman.
I'm married and what you described doesn't seem familiar to me. I will often consult my wife, keep her in the loop about what I'm doing/would like to do, but I've never had to get permission for anything.
when say to someone "may i ask your name", do you really ask them for a permissions to ask their name?
If you have posted this seriously, there is no point in even trying to make you understand that after marriage, I and Me converts into We. Abhi aap k khailney koodney k din hain. apney ghutney per itna zoor na doo
.....why is it that married men need to seek permission from their wives when they need to do something potentially dangerous and stupid?
Single guy: Vegas here I come. Sweet a job in Iraq I will be there next week.
Married guy: "Honey...you know the guys....well they want to go to Vegas....its really for a business trip...."
Now I am not married (one of the few single desi guys this side of the Arctic circle) but my married friends have lost all sort of independence they had. May any of the married men shed light on the matter? Its hardly worthwhile when you had to deal with an overprotective desi mother (and most desi mothers are overprotective) and now you have to listen to another woman.
Because a bodylicious Vegas bomb or a timed Iraqi bomb could potentially impact your spouse?
Ok, seriously speaking, you are right only up to where you called it a partnership. An 'ideal' partnership requires joint decision making, not 'informing'. And it's not necessarily 'seeking permission'. That's full of negative connotation. It's more like keeping the trust intact through getting some input and making your partner feel important and secure. 100% autonomy and individuality is not possible in an partnership neither does having those two qualities lead to an ideal relationship.
A marriage is not worthwhile if you have to listen to another woman??
Married guy: "Honey...you know the guys....well they want to go to Vegas....its really for a business trip...."
Well, the above is not a question. It's a statement. Therefore, the married guy in this case is not asking his wife if he can go to Vegas for a business trip......he is "telling" her. And "telling/informing" does not necessarily mean seeking permission or approval.
My dad's job has always required him to travel and he has never sought my mom's permission for that or for hanging out with his friends. He just lets her know where's gonna be. That way my mom is not in the dark about it. It's about being responsible. A married guy has a wife that he lives with......who is waiting for him.....there may be other dependents such as children....people who would be concerned about his whereabouts.......who SHOULD know how and where to reach him in case of an emergency. It's courtesy. And in the event that both partners have a joint account....and you're just gonna jet off to some place for fun....your partner has a right to know as to how the money is being used. Also, let's say that word gets around somehow that you were in Vegas......and even if you weren't doing anything wrong there......one might inform their spouse in advance so that no misunderstandings or wrong assumptions take place later on. Another reason for informing may include schedule/time conflicts with your spouse/family.
Why only confine this to marriage? Are single individuals 100% free/independent...and ....exempt of responsibility, common sense, and courtesy? Sometimes....not doing things responsibly (informing your family, for example)......can prevent you from fully enjoying the temporary break that you want from those responsibilities...(such as worrying about loved being clueless about your whereabouts in the back of your mind...and then having to deal with their frustration when you come back ) .
I think one thing to understand is that marriage requires commitment. And part of commitment is let your partner know about plan of action. I go for trips usually a lot of times to western Canada, US and most recently i was in fact in Vegas. And also i am very big into extreme sports along with my buddies so i go out whenever i have chance. There is absolutely no harm as long as partner is not doing something shady behind husband or wife's back.
It seems I made a mistake with the examples I provided. I was being rather idiotic with those examples, but lets stick to some standard issues to illustrate the point I am attempting to make. Smoking and drinking alcohol would be the most standard examples. In the case I provided and in many other cases men do give up both of these habits not because they wish to - if they weren't married they would continue - but because the Mrs. states that they should do so. Now the case I seek to make is a simple one.
As stated by various people here marriage is about commitment, respect and equality. In that regard wouldn't it make sense to respect your spouse in his desire to smoke or drink? Of course the baseline assumption is that both activities do not lead to any form of abuse and are conducted without losing ones senses.
In that regard men who do have to ask their wife to have a drink or a smoke or even take a trip with the boys, isn't that a case of inequality and not of partnership itself? Or rather where the woman places restrictions on what the husband enjoys for the reason she does not agree with them?
I suppose its all about values and knowledge of your partner. Two people married should have the same values as that is the ideal union. Different values will never constitute a healthy/happy/stable relationship. So if you go against values you represented, that is questionable and you should rightly seek discussion and permission even. But if it does not go against values I don't think a conversation about it will hurt.
Now going out with the boys shouldn't really be about permission but informing since its not going against any values, personally. But alcohol/smoking has religious/health implications and so it would be fair for one partner to seek permission/discuss it with the other.
As stated by various people here marriage is about commitment, respect and equality. In that regard wouldn't it make sense to respect your spouse in his desire to smoke or drink? Of course the baseline assumption is that both activities do not lead to any form of abuse and are conducted without losing ones senses.
*I dont know any man that asks his wife before he has a drink. Drinking is considered morally incorrect in our faith so asking something like that is kinda...lame. Most men that drink do actually drink regardless of their wives' opnions. As far as smoking is concerned...well...to be quite honest...I would never force my opinion on anyone BUT I would have a problem overcoming my extreme dislike of the smell. Frankly, I find it disgusting so intimacy with a smoker would be difficult.
*
In that regard men who do have to ask their wife to have a drink or a smoke or even take a trip with the boys, isn't that a case of inequality and not of partnership itself? Or rather where the woman places restrictions on what the husband enjoys for the reason she does not agree with them?
*You're oonfusing asking and consulting. If you have a family, you talk to your spouse before disappearing for a week. If you have a wife, you take some vacations with her first so doesnt feel neglected and then going with your boys is easier. You dont come home to your boys every night so putting them before her is setting yourself up. *
As stated by various people here marriage is about commitment, respect and equality. In that regard wouldn't it make sense to respect your spouse in his desire to smoke or drink? Of course the baseline assumption is that both activities do not lead to any form of abuse and are conducted without losing ones senses.
**If you're going to smoke in the presence of your spouse.....would that not affect your spouse's health? Second-hand smoke is more dangerous. Where's the respect in that? You could compromise with your partner and smoke away from your spouse......but then you have also have to consider that some people are not too keen on kissing an ashtray and some are offended (even allergic) to the smell of smoke which can get into the clothes and linger. So you can go about your habit......but you need to have consideration for your partner...because your choices can affect them as well.
**** Also, there are some illnesses which are beyond one's control. But keep in mind that even if one conducts a habit (such as smoking) in a tactful manner (by not smoking around their partner/using mouthwash, etc)........over time.......the habit can lead to serious health consequences. If you end up getting lung cancer.....that will NOT just be your problem. It's going to affect your spouse, your children. They're gonna have to deal with the emotional/psychological/financial consequences. Even the most "considerate" of smokers....would be aware of this. So, while it may not be required to seek your partner's permission to do something.........some compromises might have to be made....and since it's a partnership....your actions can affect the other person. And with certain habits....you can't always guarantee that no "abuse" or "damage" will occur. So, it's not unreasonable for your partner to be concerned.**
In that regard men who do have to ask their wife to have a drink or a smoke or even take a trip with the boys, isn't that a case of inequality and not of partnership itself? Or rather where the woman places restrictions on what the husband enjoys for the reason she does not agree with them?
*Again, ASKING is NOT the same thing as sharing/informing/discussing/telling. If you were to take a trip with the boys without telling your wife..........and she has no clue where you are and is panicking........isn't that unfair? Does such a lack of courtesy/responsibility reflect partnership? Even in the event that your parnter is okay with your smoking, let's say, and has no problems with you doing it away from her............if you get lung cancer..........as a result of a habit that YOU deliberately chose to engage in.........and thus you end up putting your partner through the pain of dealing with that as well..........what do you think of that? Where do you draw the line? I think your idea of "asking" and "losing independence" is too simplified. Chiding can be also done out of love. And in some cases it can reflect insecurity. For example, if a woman is afraid of her husband spending time with the boys cuz she fears he'll be up to no good.......unless he's given her reason to doubt him....that could be a sign of her insecurity. Not all women are like that, you can't generalize. *
