Secrets...

Lifestyle Relationships
1

A rishta comes. They like you. You like them. Baat paki.

Right, so there’s the situation. This isn’t about anyone inparticular, I’m just curious.
What kind of things do you share with your fiance/Mil/Sil/Bil/Fil etc etc before you are married, and what do you hide? Now i’m not talking about ‘I held hands with a boy when i was 7’ type thing, i mean life changing things.

E.g You have a problem which might mean you are unable to have children, you might be able to have children but at this stage you do not know.

If you tell them, they will break of the rishta. If you don’t and they find out later you already knew, they’ll thing you’ve decieved them.

What does one do in such a situation…?

2

Re: Secrets...

i think the answer is simple. Be honest with them. If you think that they will break off rishta for that reason than its better to find that out before marriage.

hiding things won't help anyone's cause..

3

Re: Secrets...

Break of rishta is better than a divorce , nobody should be taking chances when it comes to sharing the rest of the life. So openness and honesty should be guiding principle in rishta process, unfortunately I have seen the opposite many a times. People in their desperation will either hide the truth or even lie just for getting their loved ones married but the consequences are very bad in these situations. I have seen divorces happening next day or within a week or a month.
1. The guy hid the fact that he was impotent. Divorce happened in a week.
2. The girl had psychiatric issues , parents did not reveal the truth and divorce happened in a month.

4

This is tricky and depends on what your relationship is like with the guy. I have a friend who is in a similar situation. She is smart, pretty, educated and has it all. However, she has a condition which might (BIG might) prevent her from having kids in the future. She simply does not know at this stage.

The way she handles it - and I find it admirable - is by being upfront and honest about it. Her parents have told her there is no need for her to be so open with people so early but she would rather hear a NO now when there is no emotional attachment than a year later when she is too involved to bear rejection...if she gets rejected.

I realize how difficult it can be to find a good rishta these days. But if you look at it in a different light, you are in a position to have a permanent and long lasting relationship when its based on the truth. If its not based on the truth, its being threatened by the truth. In the back of your mind, you will always think "what if he finds out"? Why put yourself through that mental agony? Like there wont be enough issue to deal with when you are a newlywed...you dont need another.

Thats my take on it.

5

Re: Secrets...

Honesty is seriously the best policy.

6

Re: Secrets...

Yes you have to be honest. No doubt, but you always have to remember - HOW you say it also playes a big role.

If you just throw it as a shock, then a shock just may come back to you. I am not sure how is your relationship. you can ask them to come to the doctor for a regular checkup and discuss these issues there. Basically, find an easy way to let them know of FACTS (or potential facts).

btw, sometime too much honest it NOT a good thing :)

makhan lagana
7

Re: Secrets...

Without a doubt, tell him, for all of the above mentioned reasons.

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Re: Secrets...

Frankly, i don't know why the in laws even need to know or have a right ot know. The guy knows how his family is and what he would want otu of life, if he is okay with the possibility that there might not be any kids for him, then so be it....

9

Re: Secrets...

I think the bigger question is what is the most appropriate way a desi girl can share such a thing with her desi fiancee'....

Desis don't visit doctor togather before marriage, so that is out of question.

10

Re: Secrets...

It is very easy to say b honest tell the truth etc... but just think once if u love ur fiance' and u know something is wrong within you,do u think u'll go and tell him or even tell ur in-laws.bcz wen this rishta will finish,people would like to know why it happend.And u'll end up being single all ur life,cz nobody else would like to marry you for (what ever) reason...
So, it really depends on what to share and what to not with ur in-laws before marriage.Above all everything is in ALLAH's hand,He know's better,May ALLAH bless us all.

11

Re: Secrets...

What the heck does this have to do with honesty??!?!?
Marry and be happy and see where life takes you. If you are meant to have kids, you will. If there is a chance you wont have kids, there's just as much chance you will.
Bah!

12

I understand the need for honesty and I fully advocate it (forexample like mirch mentioned, hiding girl's serious psychiatric problems before nikah, or another example not disclosing a speech disability of the boy before rishta.... in those cases honesty was the best policy)

but isn't info about fertility waaaaaaaaay tooooooooooo personal.???.. any adult/human has a right to keep such personal medical info Private and is under no obligation to disclose it to anyone ...

or is there an obligation? i seriously don't know where u should draw the line...
should info about fertility problems be considered same as the info about psychiatric or speach or sight problems?

the situation u pose is different though... in your situation the person is not even 100% sure that they will have problems (as u said in your post they only think they might or they might not) then i don't think it is right to convey/spread such a "doubt' to the potential rishtaa walay laug... because u dont know for sure yourself... its not like you are hiding something u knew for sure...

and even if some one knows that they might have problems conceiving, that doesnt mean that they will end up with no children, there are medical options available such as IVF, IUI etc that can be discussed later on privatley by husband and wife with the doctors , and there will be no need to involve the whole khaandan then...

i advocate honesty in rishtaas
but unfortunately when it comes to fertility info (and specially when this info is NOT even 100% for sure, written in stone, medically indisputable type ) then i agree with shark man and sara... just marry be happy if u are meant to have kids u will ...

its not like the person in your situation/scenario is specifically being asked for this type of personal info by the inlaws, and its not like the inlaws are taking him/her zabardasti to the doctor to get fertility tests done, so that he/she has to disclose that info... they cannot make him/her do that due to privacy laws...

and how will they find out that you already knew this info before ???

13

Re: Secrets...

^ OK, now we are focussing on the MIGHT aspect of it, i am pondering reconsidering my earlier advice...

14

Re: Secrets...

ive been thru this... though my condition isnt life altering... i have a hearing problem.. im not deaf but do strain to hear at times... and use hearing aids when in school. its not by birth and doctors dont really know how it happened as it doesnt run in my family either.. im the only one who has it.

i only got 2 risthas (at diff times) that we thought were worthwhile and could end in marriage.. i was upfront with them both. and they both were glad to know how honest i was and that it was not an issue for them. maybe they were broad minded ppl like that or maybe it wasnt such a serious issue... but honesty was well appreciated.

ive been married a yr and half.. am pregnant now, dont really know if it will affect the baby, but there is no burden on my shoulders. not once have i had to hear bout it either by my in laws. shaadi ke baad tho patha hi lag na hai.. better to be upfront.. if they dont accept you, it wasnt in ure naseeb and its god's will... move on. you shall marry who you are destined to marry, no matter what... so why not be honest?

as for something u have doubts bout, i would still discuss it. i cant imagine it coming out later on in marriage and the spouse finding out that i knew beforehand.. these things have a knack of always happening... living in fear of a slip of tongue... i know i wouldnt want that kinda stress.

15

Re: Secrets...

hubby and i were upfront with each other about whatever medical conditions we had beforehand and it was never even an issue with us/our families.... both sides were glad to have each other... :D

Last person to post in this thread wins!
16

Is that a joke? If not its mean!

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Re: Secrets…

^ what are ut alking about.. :snooty:

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Re: Secrets...

You have to be honest. If someones gonna leave you cuz there is a chance that you might not be able to have kids then they are not worth it. What if later on you know for sure you can't have kids then they will definately break it off.

19

Anything that will have a significant impact on marriage in future, should not be withheld. For the heartache one may be trying to imagine away momentarily is good to get it out of the way forehand. Being thruthful to others is also being true to oneself. (actually its the otherway around that i believe but stating here vice versa to suit the argument).

20

But what if you never find anyone willing to take that risk? Should one have to spend their life unmarried because of a problem that might/might not be there?
You know how desi parents look forward to having grandchildren? I mean i know for sure if my parents were looking for a rishta for my brother and they found out the girl may not be able to have children, no matter how much they liked her, they would break it off. That might be selfish, yes but i totally understand where they are coming from too.

[quote]
the situation u pose is different though... in your situation the person is not even 100% sure that they will have problems (as u said in your post they only think they might or they might not) then i don't think it is right to convey/spread such a "doubt' to the potential rishtaa walay laug... because u dont know for sure yourself... its not like you are hiding something u knew for sure...
[/quote]

What if later on they find out you were aware of these doubts?

[quote]
nd how will they find out that you already knew this info before ???

[/quote]

Say you go to the doctors later on to discuss the fact that you are unable to fall pregnant and they bring out old records showing you took medication in the past to control the problem. E.g You had problems with your menstrual cycle when you were younger, and they put you on medication to control it?
Or you have been diagnosed with a problem/syndrome which indicates you have some sort of a problem with your ovaries etc.

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