There are women out there who believe their heart has space for only one man to come into their lives. If it works out , well and good. if it doesn’t for what ever reason and the marriage of many years breaks, they will prefer to live single all the rest of their lives.
I know it sounds too idealized and filmy but I know of women who cannot simply think of accepting a new partner after having a failed marriage of many many years.
I am not sure how to class this in my mind, coz I have never thought about it , but I want to know how others think about it. what is the thought process that a woman goes through in accepting another partner? how does she manage to erase the memories of the first spouse? is it really hard?
Particularly women who are in late 30’s or early 40’s how would they deal with this? would they be open to give another person a chance to enter their lives after a failed marriage?
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
CB, this is a myth. A woman can love beyond one man. If that guy goes, someone else will come along and she will be capable of loving. It is just different. Same applies to men.
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
Do a a lot of desi families accept divorced women in her late 30s and 40s with kids into their family though. I would think divorced people with kids still have a negative tag attached to them by desi society or has the mindset changed?
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
I think the reason the divorce happened is also a factor, and the age of the woman, if she has kids, etc.
All of these things play a major role in her decision. If let's say her husband cheated or abused her, maybe she doesn't want another man simply because she's lost trust. Some women then choose to live a life without re-marrying and are just happier that way. My own phufee was in a very bad physically abusive relationship.. it was very hard for her to move on and she was so scarred for life that she never wanted to marry anyone again, despite having no kids from the marriage or anything like that. It was just a fear she always carried with her that the same thing would happen again.
When a woman has kids, then her attention also shifts to their needs and wants and so if she feels that they won't accept another man in her life, she'll merely just sacrifice her happiness for her kids. Also, when you co-parent and in cases of joint custody, sometimes another potential partner may feel like an outsider and doesn't want to get in the middle of what they may feel is already working for you and your family.
I still see cases where re-marriage is such a taboo even after all these years. So many young girls just stay at their parents home for the rest of their lives. What's even worse is, many girls are so dependent on their partners that they simply would choose an unhappy marriage because they don't know how to survive on their own.
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
then why do so many women not remarry? specially those who have kids
I guess it's hard findibg a rishta first time around. Must be harder second time around too. But as deeba said they do if they can. I also know of women who remarried shukr alhamdolillah
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
then why do so many women not remarry? specially those who have kids
Because of the desi culture. White, black, Hispanic etc.....other races seem to be having no problems getting married a 2nd time with kids. But with desis, thanks to negative attitudes towards divorcees, it's much harder. Also in desi families, generally the approval of parents/siblings/extended family etc. plays a MUCH greater role than others. So if if a guy himself may not have issues with a divorcees.....often parents and other elders won't even consider it b/c after all.....what will the community say.
P.S. Its much harder to lie and pretend that the new bahu was a virgin when she already has kids.
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
The way that divorcees, widows, or divorcees with kids are shown in bollywood movies is like they are now ghosts or like they are supposed to disappear into seclusion as if they should hide from the rest of society or they die from some terminal disease. A booth. The directors of bollywood movies are so ancient in their thinking, it's sad.
They've gone through enough hell in the painful marriage and now they have to live a life of seclusion. If they are by chance invited over some married women watch them like hawks as if they're going to steal their dumb husbands just because they are actually speaking and smiling and oh my god actually having a happy time.
Remarriage can only happen if they take any man that comes their way regardless of if they are attracted to him or not. Or use the green card card. Then again there is the chance that the man they marry will not see her kids as his own and might be a total pedophile...which is another fear.
I hope Allah blesses them with happiness and looks over them and hopefully remarriage to someone that will treat them right this time and one that is willing to be an equal partner, where they are attracted to each other. respectful, loving, caring in the whole marriage thing. Is that too much to ask by a divorcee with a kid or kids? Hopefully they don't have to give up all choices they might have and just take any desi man that comes their way just to get the married tag again. If they've survived a lot of pain they should deserve happiness. Allah please make it happen.
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
then why do so many women not remarry? specially those who have kids
I think this is more common in desi women. non-desi women re-marry much more commonly. I have plenty of friends that have step dads. i think desi women find it much harder to find a man if they are divorced, especially if they have a child as well.
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
OP - There are so many factors that can contribute to a woman not re-marrying.
Sometimes there are kids involved and it is hard to bring another man into your home where your kids are. You'd have to find someone who is not only perfect for you but who would also treat your kids properly and whom your kids would accept.
Other times the first marriage was so horrid, that a woman has just lost all trust in men. This was the case with my mother. She was still very young when my parents separated (early 30s). She had sooooooo many rishtas from various men and the rishtas kept coming until she was in her late 40s. She considered a few but in the end, always ended up saying NO. She always found something or another wrong with them and she just can't bring herself to properly trust another man. EVER. AGAIN.
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
I think some women don't want to marry while their children are young and in the home, as they are uncertain about how the new adult in their lives will treat them or relate to them. Bringing in someone who will have such an influence on your child's life can be daunting. But if it's the right person, I'm sure he can be a great support and role model, as I've seen.
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
In western society some women choose not to remarry because they are financially independent and dont need a man to help them raise kids. Women can find lovers, sex, intimacy, and companionship easily with men they find attractive and don't need to marry for these reasons.
In desi society, they dont remarry mostly because of lack of options in arranged marriage market.
Re: Second marriage and acceptance of the spouse..
the human heart is mahoosive enough to develop and find love again....we change while we age, hence do our likes and dislikes...heck you can even find love at 70! there's no age limit....
this needs GS award.