I am going to Pak for few weeks to attend wedding of my SIL and other relatives. I am scared to go. My MIL is brilliant in family politics and no one can beat her in it whereas it takes days for me to realise what game she is playing with me. We are happy family but as soon as hubby Lands in Pak he is totally changed.
I have already told hubby I will not tolerate anything this time and I will fight back. I was quiet last time with everything she did still i became the villian.
hubby has promised me that he will not be like last time.
Still I am scared to go. I am not strong enough to face and deal with these family politices.
any guideline in how to deal or bravely face my faith.
This is something that always makes me anxious when I go to Pakistan as well, but it's only temporary! Remember that.
Whatever your MIL does or says - just take it with a grain of salt and don't get emotional over it. Some people just love to criticize or create drama out of nothing. I've been in the middle of it many times and sometimes it would happen when my husband wasn't around on purpose. I don't think you'll ever win if you expect your husband to fight with his mother and take your side. Remember she is his mother after all and constantly bashing her or talking bad about her in front of him will not help your relationship at all. I'm sure if your husband spoke bad about your mom you would probably react the same way right?
The best thing to do is simply to ignore any taunts or bad things she might say and just let it go. It's not like you see her every single day, why let a few stupid choice words from her ruin your entire trip? Also, do you have any other family members there who you do like or can spend time with? Any bhabhis or cousins? Make some plans before you go and get busy that way so you have minimum time to spend talking about family politics. Also remain diplomatic, never take sides and don't speak bad about anyone, you'll be surprised how many times words can get twisted, so it's best to avoid all that by keeping busy. Since you're going for a wedding the time will pass by very quickly anyways with wedding plans and shopping so just relax and have fun.
but but but.. i want to know how you became villain last time and hubbyji did nothing?
i bet this time she has practiced all kinds of new plays that will leave you bamboozled. best share previous experience and some of the advanced coaches on here can train you for this round.
without details all you will get are "stay strong" or "be the bigger person" nonsense. worthless really. :\
This is something that always makes me anxious when I go to Pakistan as well, but it's only temporary! Remember that.
Whatever your MIL does or says - just take it with a grain of salt and don't get emotional over it. Some people just love to criticize or create drama out of nothing. I've been in the middle of it many times and sometimes it would happen when my husband wasn't around on purpose. I don't think you'll ever win if you expect your husband to fight with his mother and take your side. Remember she is his mother after all and constantly bashing her or talking bad about her in front of him will not help your relationship at all. I'm sure if your husband spoke bad about your mom you would probably react the same way right?
The best thing to do is simply to ignore any taunts or bad things she might say and just let it go. It's not like you see her every single day, why let a few stupid choice words from her ruin your entire trip? Also, do you have any other family members there who you do like or can spend time with? Any bhabhis or cousins? Make some plans before you go and get busy that way so you have minimum time to spend talking about family politics. Also remain diplomatic, never take sides and don't speak bad about anyone, you'll be surprised how many times words can get twisted, so it's best to avoid all that by keeping busy. Since you're going for a wedding the time will pass by very quickly anyways with wedding plans and shopping so just relax and have fun.
this is wat i did last time and everyone took this against me. I tried to spend most time with my kids but this went against me. even though u had tough time, i left pakistan happily and nothing against with my MIL. but months later i started to hear stories that MIL spread against me and which are 100% untrue. Now everyone has bad impression of me. I want to defend myself and not let her defame me. She is my chachi as well so its my whole family that finds out things about me.
there is no one i can really interact with. all relatives cousins are same. they will be with my MIL to be against me but in front of me against her. I tried to avoid their meetings in which they would discuss other relatives.
but but but.. i want to know how you became villain last time and hubbyji did nothing?
i bet this time she has practiced all kinds of new plays that will leave you bamboozled. best share previous experience and some of the advanced coaches on here can train you for this round.
without details all you will get are "stay strong" or "be the bigger person" nonsense. worthless really. :\
each time i go she is stronger and smarter than last time but i am always stuck to how she was last time.
no going into detail.:)
Take some money with you that will be used for shopping or have your husband take you shopping. Don't have any expectations from your in-laws especially you MIL. Don't expect her to buy you clothes and if she does, don't get upset that they're not what you wanted. Don't get upset if your MIL doesn't give your child any gifts, she's too young to remember these details and it's more important for her to have parents who provide for her; that's more than sufficient. Don't expect any special hospitality or accommodations from your in-laws. Don't expect that your in-laws should adhere to the standard of formality that you have. For instance, don't get upset if husband's sister or his khala our chachi or whomever did not come to visit you and your child; don't keep track of such things. Ask your MIL and SIL if they need help with the wedding, but ask in your husband's presence so that he hears their response in case they manipulate the situation later on. Money is a sensitive issue and any discussions about how much money should be spent in the wedding should be done in your husband's presence so that you are not accuser of anything later on. Silence not only speaks volumes, it also provides the spotlight for errant people. What that means is that if you remain silent and calm, it will make your MIL's scheming and badtameezian stand out even more. Let her have the spotlight, just give her the floor. Hopefully the wedding will keep everyone busy so that they don't have time to scheme. I understand an infant keeps you busy, but keep up your ibadat (namazain) in Pakistan as they also serve as protection. Also, recite Aytul kursi and 3 Quls daily and make dua for protection for nazar and all types of fitnah and harm; this is essential especially when you are around people whom you don't trust.
If I recall correctly, I think you did argue with your husband about trivial things last time (eid clothes, etc) even though your MIL was more in the wrong. This time, I think you'd make life easier for yourself if you don't argue over issues like clothes and gifts. Take some money with you that will be used for shopping or have your husband take you shopping. Don't have any expectations from your in-laws especially you MIL. Don't expect her to buy you clothes and if she does, don't get upset that they're not what you wanted. Don't get upset if your MIL doesn't give your child any gifts, she's too young to remember these details and it's more important for her to have parents who provide for her; that's more than sufficient. Don't expect any special hospitality or accommodations from your in-laws. Don't expect that your in-laws should adhere to the standard of formality that you have. For instance, don't get upset if husband's sister or his khala our chachi or whomever did not come to visit you and your child; don't keep track of such things. Silence not only speaks volumes, it also provides the spotlight for errant people. What that means is that if you remain silent and calm, it will make your MIL's scheming and badtameezian stand out even more. Let her have the spotlight, give her the floor.
I apologize. The stories in Life 1 can blur sometimes. That's why I edited my post before your response. I still think that the suggestions are applicable. I don't know what issues you have exactly with your mil...but people set themselves up to get hurt when they have expectations of others. Just don't expect anything from your MIL in terms of material things such as gifts and clothes and money....don't expect anything in terms of hospitality...don't even expect her to keep you updated about the wedding plans cuz she may not do it and then she may blame you for not being interested. So, you'll have to take the initiative and show an interest (in your husband's presence) in the wedding....so that he witnesses you being proactive and thus it helps in refuting MIl's accusations should she play that game later on. But as I said earlier ...in my last post...there are suggestions that would apply to your situation.
money wise MIL has huge heart. she spends like water. she already bought lots of clothes for me but i am sending her money for my clothes.
I do not want to interfere into SILs shopping. she lives in pakistan and has been doing shopping for months now.she knows best shops and designers whereas i dont. also i want her to buy what she wants but wat others tell her to.
money wise MIL has huge heart. she spends like water. she already bought lots of clothes for me but i am sending her money for my clothes.
I do not want to interfere into SILs shopping. she lives in pakistan and has been doing shopping for months now.she knows best shops and designers whereas i dont. also i want her to buy what she wants but wat others tell her to.
If you say that your mil is a drama queen and that you don't trust her, then why would you give her money to buy you clothes? As a precaution....just to be on the safe side....I wouldn't do that.
You don't have to "interfere" in sil's shopping. But as a courtesy, ask her if she needs help. If she wants you to go go shopping with her...then go with her. Give her money to buy things of her own choice as opposed to buying gifts that she may rant about later on. So, I really don't know what khaas mashwarah or advice you're looking for that you can't already figure out for yourself. You just pick and choose your battles as opposed to arguing about everything and maintain your ibadat, recite your protective adhkaar and make dua for protection regularly and inshaAllah eveything'll be fine.
sil she chooses clothes for me as i dont know much about fabrics and shops. so she already got from good shops. so i thought of reimbursing them. I will be going 2 weeks before wedding and i am already lots of shopping for sil from here.
when i am there i try to not to do anything so i can get picked on or talked about but once i am not there stories appear from no where. mainly issues are with interacting with he relatives and other family relatives, us moving to pakistan etc.
You should be thankful you are not dealing with the drama 365 days a year and have a peaceful place to go back at the end of yoir trip. Play victim in front of your husband by not firing back and have fun getting dolled up at the weddings
sil she chooses clothes for me as i dont know much about fabrics and shops. so she already got from good shops. so i thought of reimbursing them. I will be going 2 weeks before wedding and i am already lots of shopping for sil from here.
when i am there i try to not to do anything so i can get picked on or talked about but once i am not there stories appear from no where. mainly issues are with interacting with he relatives and other family relatives, us moving to pakistan etc.
Yes she only wants us to move back so he can spend more time with his sisters. And expcts hubby not to work and FIL will support us and they will give us pocket money of 50 000 rupees per month:D