Re: Same name
The name thing is troubling to them both.
**Look, OP. If the name thing is troubling BOTH of them…then I think maybe they BOTH don’t like each other enough to look past this issue. You said that the girl likes everything about the guy. If she really likes him, then she should be able to look past this “non-issue.” Same thing with the guy…if he is happy with everything else about her then he shouldn’t be overwhelmed by the name. So, the only think I can think of is that perhaps they don’t “like” or “approve” of each other enough then.
You know what is “worse” than marrying someone who has the same name as you? It would be marrying someone who has the same name as your sibking or parent…cuz that may seem like “mental incest” to some folks. But guess what? There are folks out there who can look past the fact that a potential candidate has the same name as an immediate family member. I have a cousin who is considering marriage to a guy whose sister has the same name as her. The other day she was teasing him about that and he was like “Shadi se pehlay everyone is bhai behn in our culture.” Why don’t you discuss this perspective with your friend and maybe…Just maybe…she’ll agree that having the same name as her husband is not the worst thing. People use nicks and abbreviations for their names all the time. It’s not uncommon. In some Desi families, a completely new name is given to the girl. This can be worked around…if both parties like each enough to look past it. **
The question was really about whether its ok to suggest it for the brother instead. Some people seem horrified by this. I don’t think it’s that shocking. It’s an ARRANGED marriage which like it or not is a very superficial process. It’s not omg Im in love with you and want to be with you no matter what. That stuff develops after. So no I don’t think it’s that harsh like some people are suggesting. People get rejected all the time for being too short, too dark, too fat.
**You are getting very, very defensive …almost as though this dilem,a is about you and not your friend. Okay let me explain to you why people are concerned about passing in the offer to his younger brother:
You said they both like each other. If let’s say the other brother accepts…then he might wonder “My brother was her first choice, does she still like him more than me? Is he better than me? If the name was different, would she have gone for him? Does she secretly wish he had a different name?”
The rejected brother might think " Ab yeh meri bhabi hai…at one time she may have been my wife?" It may arouse feelings of jealousy and awkwardness.
***** IF this had been a situation where your friend had not met the guys yet and she had not already expressed a “preference”…then I think that it’s “fair and fine” for the her rishta to be offered to 2 brothers simultaneously and for her to consider 2 brothers at the same time. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But …after expressing an interest in one party…it becomes slightly “tricky” to change ur mind and go for a sibling. Not saying that it can’t be done…it’s just trickier. **
As for people saying plenty more fish in the sea unfortunately that’s not the case. For various reasons which I can’t be bothered to go into there are a limited number of suitable rishtas available and she has been looking for some years.
**Don’t share those reasons, then. But do talk to your friend about overlooking the name. If she still can’t do it…then because she is already having a hard time finding rishtas…she can consider the brother. I may bet egged for suggesting this…But if the guy himself DOES NOT like her “ENOUGH” to overlook her name…then that means he doesn’t like her enough. If a guy likes a girl…YES, even in ARRANGED setting…if he likes her enough and if he BELIEVES that she is the one for him…he’ll move mountains to marry her. He’ll not only put forth his best effort to convince his parents…he will also look past any “flaws” he sees in the girl. He will also try his best yo convince the girl to marry him no matter what ‘obstacles’ lie in their paths. Since this guy is not doing that…then I assume he is not that crazy about her…And that maybe he himself will be “okay” with his brother considering the girl. **
Anyway the general consensus seems to be it’s not acceptable to suggest it for the brother. I will let her know!
So my suggestion is that you first try to convince ur friend to overlook. If not, then have her family talk to the guy’s parents about the considering the brother…as tactfully as possible. If it works…Alhumdolillah. If it doesn’t work…Alhumdolillah. She should prepare herself for the possibility that the idea may be rejected. But at least she won’t be left wondering. People are able to accept a rishta of their deceased spouse’s sibling. There are all kinds of scenarios in the world and everyone differs in what they can handle or not. Rishtas that we would never consider entering are being managed successfully by others. So, she can try it but tread with tact as it’s a more delicate situation. And whatever Allah wills and knows to be best for her will happen.