Op, said that she feels depressed. I could be wrong, but I don’t recall her mentioning that before. Is she going to have her rukhsati soon? If so, that can come with a whirlwind of emotions. We read the words typed by an op, but we cannot see what exactly they’re feeling or going through. Even marital experience and wisdom is gained after much heartache, and making soooo many mistakes, and after making the same mistakes several times over before learning the lesson, and going through many hurts and tears some of which are now viewed as petty but at one time were a huge deal…so all the more reason for that seasoned input to come with more aajazi . It takes time to learn and grow. Meeting with in-laws throughout the years is still not the same as living under the same roof as them. Op will learn the ropes over time when she moves in with them.
Op, listen…first of all I’d be careful with a MIL who badmouthed her other blood-related bahu to you…cuz that tells me that she may also complain about you to others.
I have a friend whose brother is married to a cousin. So basically bhabi is a cousin and she gets away with a lot; she’s pampered. Friend’s parents know that if they’re not careful, bhabi can go to her parents and complain..thus causing unnecessary clashes in the family. You have not specified the exact relationship between your MIL and your jhetani. If jhetani is a niece, maybe mil puts up with her and caters to her whims because she doesn’t want drama (gossip, badnaami) from jhetani’s parents. You have to accept that jhetani is not going anywhere; you can’t get rid of her. So, you can choose to let your blood boil for the rest of your life under the resentment that MIL doesn’t treat you two equally, or you can liberate yourself from this stress by appreciating that you still have an overall good relation with in-laws. AND…open your eyes OP…and recognize the immense potential power in your situation. You are the one who will be living with in-laws long-term…not jhetani. That means you have so much scope to form a close bond and earn their trust and love and respect with in-laws provided that you pick and choose your battles. Instead of obsessing over the difference in treatment between you and jhetani…why don’t you focus more on being the best bahu and wife you can be. And if jhetani really is the spoiled diva you make her out to be, then the only way you’ll shine is if you act better…NOT if you also start being a diva…and over time the difference between you two will become clearer to in-laws. ***But don’t treat this as competition between you and jhetani and stop comparing yourself to her. And keep in mind that people are naturally more tolerant of mistakes made by their blood relations. Tomorrow if let’s say jhetani comes to visit and she tries to stir up trouble b/w you and in-laws…then mil/fil are not likely to get sucked into it if you establish a strong relationship with them before hand. As for having a bigger room and kids…when a baby arrives…in-laws may make arrangements then or maybe your husband will figure something out. But don’t worry about that right now.
As for your FIL…your mil said that she’ll “take care of him” so trust her. And if you and husband have plans to go out…then let him be the one to seek permission/inform his parents about it…you stay out of it. And if you need to leave the house on your own…then do it within reason. It won’t look good if a dil is always going out to the mall or to her friends etc etc. So, be reasonable (and a bit flexible) about your decisions. And remember that even your husband is more likely to support you if you show compromise from your end. If you turn every matter into a battle that must be fought with his parents, then eventually he’ll get tired of it and it’ll strain your marriage.
Don’t let the replies here get you even more depressed. I can understand how you are feeling. We all process emotions differently and it seems like your issues have been blown out of proportion by you because of your emotional state right now. Things are always worse than they seem when one is depressed. One of the easiest ways to dig ourselves an even deeper hole is to compare what we have with others. I tend to compare myself too and it ends up making me feel a lot worse. Complaining and getting stressed out will not make you feel better nor resolve any issues.
Having said that, you should take what is being given to you and forget the other room even exists if you think you can handle it. I feel you will end up resenting your inlaws if you did that though. I would say speak to your MIL as your husband is suggesting orask your jithani for the room yourself. That way, you won’t at least regret not saying anything. I regret a lot of sh*t because I should have said something but I didn’t. Your inlaws treat your jethani the way they do because she has taught them how to treat her a certain way. No point in being a doormat and waiting until you win them over with your kindness and love. If yours was a temporary situation, I would ask you to suck it up but sounds like you are going to be living this way for a long time. Be yourself and if they don’t like you, you know where you stand. If they like you, you know they like you for you and not the facade you have put up to gain their acceptance. You cannot show compassion to others if you cannot be compassionate to yourself.
I would advice you and your husband to get your own place, it will benefit you more in the long run. Its always better to have once own place than live under someone elses roof. If your Mil wants to stay with you when she visits Pakistan, you can accommodate her, if there is room (excuse the pun).
And if you and your husband can not afford to neither buy nor rent your own place, then in my very humble opinion, its too early to get married, and both of you should focus on saving up cash. Otherwise take what you get for now, then focus on getting your own place. End goal should be to get your own place.
Honesty, I do think the room issue can escalate even if she keeps her mouth shut. I think in this thread or another one I mentioned a mother’s cousin who lives with his wife and four kids in the same room. 6 people in the same room and using the same bathroom. They never spoke up initially and eventually there were no rooms left. The husband doesn’t earn much so this is where they’re stuck and in laws don’t listen about room swapping or expansion. The contingency plans should be made for branching out because if a family allots one room each to every brother, kids don’t have any space left.
I have heard that in the initial years of marriage you should act like a meek, docile person. Never argue with anyone. Do all the drama with your husband like ‘I havent eaten yet, was waiting for you’ or ‘wont stay at my parents because I cant live without you even for a night’. Then after the husband is in your ‘muthi’, do as you wish:)
I dont think Il ever be able to do that but the wisdom behind all this is that if you argue about every small thing (even if you are right), it will only irritate your husband.
Yeah right! A husband is not some sort of robot who would perform if you press the right buttons. They know all these tricks! It takes a combination of compromise and sticking to your guns to make a relationship work!
OP you should be a bit more positive about life. it is also important that you choose wisely with whom you discuss your personal worries. at the monent it seems you have no proper guidance that will prepare you for married life in a joint family. joint family system is not easy so if you think you wont be able to handle it then you should live seperately. it will save many relationships and your bitterness towards your inlaws will decrease
If things were really like that there wouldn’t be so much bitterness, drama and politics later in these people’s lives.. Have you seen how so many of them end up treating their own dils?
Bottling things up and/or being a dooramat (ie ALWAYS being submissive) tends to lead to resentment over time imo.. A lot of the older aunties I see who were brought up this way end up taking out their frustration on others..
I’m not sying people should argue over every little thing but marriage should be about compromise, not total submission and sacrifice of your own sense of self worth..
I am not advocating this approach. Just saying that I have heard people say this. But my friend sort of did this, not because she wanted to have her husband muthi main, but because she is like that by nature. She NEVER argued with her in laws. They use her car and other stuff without even taking her permission. MIL makes her work so much, doesn let her keep a cook even though they can afford it. But she never uttered even a word and as a result her husband now supports her more than his family. He is always urging her to go to her parents, and even he stays with her sometimes!
I think it also depends on the kind of people you are dealing with. Sometimes staying silent does the trick. But then every time there is an argument and you stay quiet, it sends across the message that anyone can do anything with you and get away with it.