I’m finally having my rukhsati in a few months and there’s one issue that’s come up.
A few months back my mil was on bad terms with my jaithani so she told me she’ll give us their room (as they don’t live in the country).
Now they have patched up and she told me she can’t give me the room since they haven’t said it themselves.. Now I’m very upset because my husbands room is extremely small to accommodate two people. There is no closet space so she suggested I share my cupboard with her (downstairs in her room while she’s not in Pakistan)
I was honestly shocked at this and didn’t say anything.now I’m thinking what do I do I can’t live with such disrespect. I’ll be so uncomfortable and like I’m living in a guest house. I told my husband to talk but I have a feeling she will make him quiet by telling him of pressure. My jaithani is from my mils family so there is alot of favouristism.. When my jaithani stayed in that room for few months she still updated it and asked her to get whatever she wants… She hasn’t consultanted me in this matter even.. Not even once she asked if I want anything for the room.
Room issue.
Is there no other spare room in the house? Will u be in pakistan permanantly? Ur hubby needs to sort this. U cnt expect to live out of your suitcase that would drive me mad!
Re: Room issue.
Yes permanent. However their permanent residence is in America.
There is one spare room which is next to my father in laws room which isn’t a feasible option due to lack of privacy.
Should my husband talk or should I talk? In his presence.
Room issue.
Your husband needs to deal with the issue! If they are in america alot is it not possible for you guys to just have ur own space? If your mil isnt around alot either
If you raise the issue theyl just make it out that you are causing issues unless ur inlaws are very understanding
Re: Room issue.
Newbee, there are ways to work around this. If there’s a closet in your husband’s room, maybe some things can be taken out of it to create more space. And your other belongings can be stored in the cupboard. You can attempt to get your husband to ask his mom if you could use jhetani’s closet space as that way you won’t have to run up and down the stairs and it 'll be more convenient especially if both bedrooms are on the same floor. So, if husband broaches the matter like that…it’s okay…but don’t make him confront his mom about how she treats her niece compared to you. Since MIL is not open to you having jhetani’s room, perhaps she’ll compromise on using the closet space.
I admit it’s easier said than done, but don’t compare yourself to jhetani…cuz ur not gonna win. She is a blood relative of your MIL…so her partiality toward jhetani is natural. It’s kinda like comparing yourself to your nand or mil’s daughter (if she has one)…it’s better to avoid it. Your jhetani is not living there atm. Use this opportunity to your advantage to bond with your MIL. It will take time but inshaAllah she will begin to trust you and feel more comfortable around you. Matters like updating the room can be dealt with much later. Focus more on developing good relations and not so much on making the dynamics perfectly equal.
Re: Room issue.
How often do they visit Pakistan and how long do they stay? I can see why it would be extremely uncomfortable living this way with them but if they are not even there most of the time then you have the whole house to yourself. Maybe I misread.
Also, your husband should talk to your MIL and others and see if your jithani will give up her room.
I would simply wait till I move in, make the husband talk on my behalf, if he doesn’t have thr courage, HE gets to share the closet with his mom and I would use whatever is available in the same room.
Having said that, I know someone who had to use the common loo on her floor (no attached washroom in the bedroom) IN THE US , in a combined family system, for over a year. She spent the time with patience and now is beautifully settled after they moved to a bigger, better place eventually after all realised they nees more space.
So give it time and patience and you will hold a better and lovable position in the family, even better than your jethani one day.
Re: Room issue.
No offence, by why is your soon to be husband getting married if he doesn’t have a place to put you?
Re: Room issue.
Ask your husband to talk to his brother, usually elder brother will gladly give his room to younger one, if he is not there.
Re: Room issue.
By far the best solution!
Re: Room issue.
Agreed. I don’t think the elder brother will mind giving his room- especially considering that him and his wife do not permanently reside in the country. In the event that this fails though, I think it would be best to just keep quiet and make do with what you have. It probably isn’t worth it to start of on bad terms with your new family and this scenario has the potential to cause a lot of drama if your jethani refuses to give up her room- if your MIL asks her, and she refuses, then you may be in your jethani’s bad books and I am sure your hubby to be and MIL won’t be too happy about such drama etc (when ruksathi hasn’t even occurred). As prototype noted, it is likely that if you be patient they will realise that more space is needed and take action accordingly.
Re: Room issue.
I don’t think your jaithani will give up the room. I’ve seen people fight to the end for rooms they will never permanently occupy in their life.
If you speak you could make your own life hell and if you don’t then you could be one of those women who live in the same room as their 4 kids even though they’re well off. Best thing to do is let your husband do the talking.
Re: Room issue.
How about first move in and then figure what you and your husband can do with the space in his room.
Also, what would you do if your husband moves you in a very small 1 bedroom apartment with a bedroom the size of your hubby’s bedroom? Would you still think you are being insulted?
Re: Room issue.
OP, Asking or expecting to have your jhitani room seems unfair. Technically speaking that is her room and should not be given to others if she is not willing. Also, while you want that room to yourself, where will your jhitani move with all her stuff? if you suggest that she moves to your husband’s small room then again i think its a bit much to ask for.
you can either shift to another room which is next to your FIL room and work around the privacy issue or you use that spare room for your cupboard.
Re: Room issue.
Please don’t make an issue of such a trivial matter, especially before your ruksati. I know it seems unfair that your jethani has a bigger room and doesn’t even live in the house, never mind the country!!!
It would be nice if you got your jethani’s room but don’t suggest it yourself and don’t get your husband to ask his brother. These little issues can get blown out of proportion into something so big that’s it’s not worth it. Especially since your jethani is your MILs rishtidaar. Concentrate on getting to know your inlaws and making a bond them. Get to know how their household works n runs.
Just use the spare room to store your extra clothes and most of your husbands clothes, if you don’t want to move to that room. I would not share a cupboard with MIL, that would just be too awkward!! The spare room is there for you so for you to expect your jethani to give up her room seems a bit unfair. So what if your FIL is next door? In most houses all rooms are occupied to you would always be next to someone!!!
Inshallah if you are patient You will get the other room you want. Or something bigger and better.
Re: Room issue.
This.
Re: Room issue.
What Lusi said :k:
Re: Room issue.
I agree 100%. Seen this happen to my cousin. She had to live with her husband and 3 kids in one room and even when her jithani moved away, she could not have the room because she would use it whenever she was in town. The rest of the in laws would have told on her if my cousin would have gone ahead and used it anyways. I would suggest the husband speaking to the brother as soon as possible.
Re: Room issue.
My husband thinks I’m right that we should have the room but he feels I should speak to his mother.. He said he will sit with me and support what I say.. But he thinks I can speak better and I need to my put my point across.
Everyone on my end told me I need to discuss the matter with mil so she knows that i won’t tolerate mistreatment and being taken for granted.
Mil visits for 2.5 months a year. The jaithani came once for three months and spent only one night in this house. Her family doesn’t live in the same city so she didn’t visit.
And I have a close relationship with my mil. I have been meeting her since 8 years. We go shopping together watch movies and she discusses everything..when things were bad with jaithani she would talk to us about how horrible she is all the time. But now she’s behaving and everyone is good with her.
But right now I feel she’s avoiding a fight so making me be the victim here..since I’ve never spoken up she knows it’ll go smoothly. Other one is just a pain. She screams and fights.
But just for jaithanis happiness I’ll be uncomfortable? What about kids.ill have a family soon
Re: Room issue.
Have you considered killing the residents of the large master bedroom ?