Ok so my dad asked around here - and apparently theres this family that fits my fathers many lists (caste) actually thats the list LOL.
What I know through dad and his friend who knows this family:
This guy has 3 brothers - 2 which are older ones a pilot and ones a lecturer in oxford (apparently) neither are married. I assume there are about 35/40 maybe less maybe more. The older 2 do not live at home with the folks. The guy that my dads friend recommended is my age, works in computers or something. Apparently his mother is severely ill with something that may be dementia/alzheimers or somesort debilating disease - MS?
She is looked after her 2 youngest sons (no Daughter in laws yet) and her husband.
I am a bit daunted by this news
Why aren’t the older siblings married
My dad half thinks that they just want a daughter in law to look after the lady who is unwell aka potential future MIL
without sounding selfish or rude, I think the latter is true, I feel bad for thinking this way - obviously the guy wants his sons married, and daughter in laws have do their part, so I do feel a bit selfish for thinking like this. My dads going for the first visit to this family who also live very far away, which would mean a huge uproot. Personally I am not sure if this is a ideal rishta. But only time will tell.
Try and get your dad to do more background checks and also wait to see what happens after your dad sees them. Do you trust your dad to make a judgement?
I did express a concern when they spoke about this rishtaa - but they said you can't keep saying no to every rishtaa, because I said no to a cousin (you must all remember that). Unfortunately I don't have anyone to present to them at this time. I may just start wearing a t-shirt: Wanted husband
The fact is even my father has reservations, to be honest I am not sure why he is travelling for 4+ hours just to see this family, as hes not really happy about it himself.
My dad actually filtered through every rishta possible the came to us. Some we rejected right away, some which matched most criteria but still had some concerns what happened my dad to visit first to confirm these concerns to be true or false you know just in case we were wrong my dad has also travelled all over the country to thoroughly background check people.
To be honest for now just wait and vigilantly watch and listen to everything your dad says then once you have more information make a decision. You have full right to say no.
Hmmmm.....very weird indeed. It's tough, but if you don't feel it's right for you, then don't go for it; you will only regret it later on if things don't work out well for you.
Hmm, how do you feel about going with your dad when he checks him out? Might give you a better feel for things. If that's not possible, then wait to see what you hear about him. If things go further...then you'll get some idea when you interact with him. And if you still feel that things are shady...go with your intuition and stand you ground once more (as you did in the case of your cousin) and refuse.
The fact is even my father has reservations, to be honest I am not sure why he is travelling for 4+ hours just to see this family, as hes not really happy about it himself.
LOL...you bring the above point up with your dad? Is it possible for the guy's family to come to your place?
Yes I did, but parents are fairly head strong, they will do what they feel right, over what I feel is right, takes alot for me to get my point across as I have pleasantly learnt from the past (sarcasm), dad wants to go see them, then they come here apparently. If he likes the look of things.
PO just chill until your dad has met the family likely hood is his concerns will be confirmed and then if you still dont like it just say NO. I did this everytime i didnt like a rishta, my dad was very keen on investigating everyone haha bless him :)
^Agree. You've been throught\ the whole "refusing" ordeal, so it won't be as difficult. Easier said than done, but try not to worry about it....because right now there's nothing really going with this rishta. It's really not even a rishta because you haven't met the guy.....it's just like an "idea" at this stage. Worry about things IF they progress futher than your dad's meeting with the family. And if you're not feeling it, stand your ground.
Yeah I just have the nervousness since I found out hes going this weekend. He did say I should go along, but tbh, I really don't want go 4/5 hours by car and then back. MEH. Plus the added daunting-ness (if thats a word) of going there and seeing some random person.
Just because your dad is going this weekend doesnt mean he will like the guy then you will have your Nikkah next week and thats that.
Your dad will first see the guy, then if your dad is cool with everything and YOU are cool with everything then they will come - then everyone will think. Plenty of time and space to express your views and concerns. Relax hun!
PO, parents want to see every potential rishta because things don't necessary look right in the begining and we have to dig a bit to know the exact situation. If the main criteria like age, education, caste of the guy etc are ok, let your dad go and have a look at the potential. You are lucky that you dad has the first chance to go and see the guy and his family at his place and you are not being part of a cattle show like most of desi girls are. So only if your dad likes the guy and his family, he will ask you to consider the guy. You are right to consider the medical condition of the potential MIL but why the elder two brothers didn't marry before the younger one is not a big deal since every person has different views on marriage and they might not have liked any girl or they wanted to focus on their career. The medical condition of the potential MIL is also not a major turn-off IMO since you don't know whether the other woman who is in perfect health at the time of your wedding God forbid faces some medical conditions after your marriage. Still, you are not forced by anyone to say yes to this proposal and only you along with your family can decide whether this proposal is good enough for you or not. Wish you all the best :)
**sometimes, things are factually different than what they appear or sometimes they are a sign or indicative of the facts. i think the rishta can be probed and facts sorted out.
as far as your apprehension that they might need a daughter in law to look after their physically/mentally challenged mother, i would say that no matter where and who you marry, all marriages come with it's own bag of good and bad situations. you have to decide if you can handle this pressure. i would say, it will be a very tough thing for you to deal with.**
Yeah I just have the nervousness since I found out hes going this weekend. He did say I should go along, but tbh, I really don't want go 4/5 hours by car and then back. MEH. Plus the added daunting-ness (if thats a word) of going there and seeing some random person.
I think, you should go along with your dad. let see, if rishta clicks for you.
Venting now!!! Just had a parental sit down, they are now saying if I do go into this Rishta - I won't be able to work - as in work after marriage. Basically they just someone to cook and clean and be a full time carer for their mother. Got really angry at my parents as I said I educated myself for so long, to not actually work is a insult to myself.