I have been silently reading stuff for a while, but I am in a dilemma. I am new to this rishta stuff and do not understand how it works since I’m the oldest in the entire family.
The other day a family came over for my rishta (boy was not present with them since he is abroad for higher education). My family was not looking as I am planning on going to medical school within 1-2 years iA if all goes well. The boys cousins or female relatives saw me somewhere and were extremely persistent (they initially approached me and I said that we weren’t looking since I was going to medical school…I know, hella besharam on my part), telling me that they would talk to my mom. And because they were so similar, same caste, same NEIGHBORHOOD in pakistan, etc. my parents decided that there’s no harm in seeing what happens.
So regardless, they showed up a day ago. They were nice, and my side is interested (based on what we know). I’m naiive and dumb and I was looking for some time of a sign (like all those dumb signs that ppl supposedly give on first dates) to see if there was any interest on their side. Like the mom made random references to how she was thinking about her niece who always talked about how she wanted to be there when they went out to find a wife for the guy and stuff. and like randomly amidst the many awkward silences, she like was like “oh app logh humare paas NY tho aayein” (they live in NY and I’m in the opposite coast)
Afterwards, my mom is like “baita, mein bathaarahi hoon, ke unki taraaf se haan hai, no doubt in my mind” but I’m…hesitant because I thought the medical school thing was a huge deal to them since they kept asking about it (they have 3 sisters and all three sister’s have MBA’s/master/law degrees or something. And the mom was saying ke they didnt want a housewife, they wanted someone with an education and like professional mindset. But I can’t get over the fact that no one wants to marry a girl that wants to be a doctor (a few of my doctor friends have been burned by rishtas, so I guess I’m scared?)
So basically…advice? Do desi families really hate the idea of having their son marrying a desi girl that going to go to medical school (I told them I was applying everywhere and didn’t really care about location)? He has a pHD so it’s not like i’m going to be grossly overeducated for him or something. And ARE there signs that desi ppl give to show the rishta is going in the right direction/they’re interested.
I’m just confused because I think that’s the only reason they’d say no. I completely fit what they want in every other way and as much as I hate to admit this (it makes me seem pathetic), I really like the family and would like to see this go further.
these degrees are as "good" or "professional" as your future medical degree. i dont get your point.
you need to clear out whether they understand that you will still go for higher education even if this rishta takes place. sometimes people assume that after marriage a girl will forget everything else : P
(they have 3 sisters and all three sister's have MBA's/master/law degrees or something. And the mom was saying ke they didnt want a housewife, they wanted someone with an education and like professional mindset.But I can't get over the fact that no one wants to marry a girl that wants to be a doctor (a few of my doctor friends have been burned by rishtas, so I guess I'm scared?)
I'm confused, they don't want a housewife, they want someone whose educated (which is you) yet there's nothing in your post that indicated they don't want a dr for a bahu?
oh no, I think I wasn't clear when I was writing. I don't mean that they weren't at my level. That's why I"m confused. Because the sister's are educated. I think Im curious because most people in general put like medical degrees at the EXTREME end of the spectrum where they assume that you can't have a family/life.
Yeah I told them that medical school FOR SURE iA and my mother said the same thing. The aunty said that it was "bohot lamba route" but my mom said that a B.S. is nothing and she agreed. I think I'm hung up on her commenting about the length of the process. I agree...it's a long sucky process...
"MBA's/master/law degrees or something"
these degrees are as "good" or "professional" as your future medical degree. i dont get your point.
you need to clear out whether they understand that you will still go for higher education even if this rishta takes place. sometimes people assume that after marriage a girl will forget everything else : P
oh okay, i get your point. well, your friends may have met people who didnt want doctors, but this family can be different? not everyone lives in the 1500s. and plus one meeting does not indicate anything. take your time...and emphasize that you are going to grad school, even though it is 1-2 years away.
I'm confused, they don't want a housewife, they want someone whose educated (which is you) yet there's nothing in your post that indicated they don't want a dr for a bahu?
haha I'm sorry! I think the confusion in my posts are making it obvious (to me) that I'm freaking out for no reason. Lemme try to see if I can make sense of this:
They do not want a house wife, correct.
They want someone educated and professional, but I like I said in the reply above--because the mom kept mentioning just how LONGGGG med school was--I am thinking that they want someone educated/professional that doesn't have the "long" med school process to go through (as in, another career). I know a lot of people that say they want someone educated but that stops at doctor. A doctor's lifestyle is TOO extreme and TOO demanding for them so by "educated" they want someone that's a lawyer/MBA, since htey assume that those careers have less demanding time requirements.
The only indication I GOT was the mention of the length and the fact that they kept asking about it over and over again (where I was applying, when I was planning on going). I just figured that since it was such a huge topic of conversation, maybe they had a problem with it?
yeah, youre right. let's just hope that this single meeting doesn't turn out to be the last one--as is my fear. Clearly I have no faith in boys' families and myself...lol
You or your family haven't met the boy as yet and still you like the proposal and are freaking out on the thought of losing it. Chill girl.
You seem to be very young, haven't even started your grad school, the guy is a PhD. May be they want their guy to marry soon (if he is mature age). If they are looking for someone educated, why would they approach you in the first place since you haven't completed your education. They can easily get any highly educated girl somewhere else. So if they have approached you, this means they like you. If they further proceed the matter (its only one meeting yet), this shows their persistence. But your family needs to clarify with them if they have problem with you going to med school, when do they plan the actual marriage, where does the guy plan on living after marriage etc. It might be that the give conditional proposal that they will proceed only if you agree on marrying after 2-3 years (which obviously will be difficult for you since you will be in your med school). So things need to be clarified at this stage. You should be clear in your mind whether you will be able to compromise on your aim of med school for this proposal or you would leave this proposal for your med school.
You or your family haven't met the boy as yet and still you like the proposal and are freaking out on the thought of losing it. Chill girl.
You seem to be very young, haven't even started your grad school, the guy is a PhD. May be they want their guy to marry soon (if he is mature age). If they are looking for someone educated, why would they approach you in the first place since you haven't completed your education. They can easily get any highly educated girl somewhere else. So if they have approached you, this means they like you. If they further proceed the matter (its only one meeting yet), this shows their persistence. But your family needs to clarify with them if they have problem with you going to med school, when do they plan the actual marriage, where does the guy plan on living after marriage etc. It might be that the give conditional proposal that they will proceed only if you agree on marrying after 2-3 years (which obviously will be difficult for you since you will be in your med school). So things need to be clarified at this stage. You should be clear in your mind whether you will be able to compromise on your aim of med school for this proposal or you would leave this proposal for your med school.
Sorry, did not mean to come across as "freaking out". I"m just confused and wanted opinions since a third person is often the best judge. Especially since no one seems to go the arranged route anymore so I'm at a complete loss as to what normal behavior/etiquette is.
They want the guy to get married next year, since he's abroad trying to finish up some work right now. Our families have had extended conversations because this has been ongoing for about 6 months on the phone (though through a 3rd party--a family member of his who initially approached us for him). He's in between jobs rihgt now so is willing to move anywhere. My plans are undecided but I'm leaving the west coast for sure in 1-2 years depending on where I get into school. They were told numerous times that I was adamant about school and my mom mentioned it to them numerous times as well since she was initially very hesitant about entertaining a proposal. In fact, that's what most of our conversation was about when they came over too.
I guess what I was wondering (in general, not just in this case) is that do people typically give some indication as to their level of interest in proceeding further or is it just a pokerface the entire time theyre there and then they let them know later?
Just get clarity on the issue of you going to Med school by talking the guy family.......and when you will be ready/available to live with the guy............that ought to sort out the apprehension/confusion you are going through....
You cannot get the exact indication of the intentions of the guys' side until they openly GIVE the proposal. Families continue visiting the girls' families for many times before FORMALLY giving the proposal. Since they have not proposed FORMALLY, don't consider anything final. Arranged settings are very complex and leave us in confusion. Sometimes, the guys' families keep quiet and return after 1-2 years time. So, untill they formally give a proposal, you should not take anything seriously. Formal proposal means the mom or any other elder of the guy will come and clearly say to your parents that they like their daughter and want this proposal to finalise. Once they give the formal proposal, your parents will need to discuss that you will be going to med school and if they have any problem with that, you will not proceed with this proposal. If they agree to your going to med school, and you all agree on the approximate time of marriage, and other issues, things will get finalised.
So just wait for them to give FORMAL proposal. If they are not giving the formal proposal, your mom can ask the third party to talk to the guy's mom and convey to them that they should be formally proposing to you. Only then things can be considered as moving forward.
You cannot get the exact indication of the intentions of the guys' side until they openly GIVE the proposal. Families continue visiting the girls' families for many times before FORMALLY giving the proposal. Since they have not proposed FORMALLY, don't consider anything final. Arranged settings are very complex and leave us in confusion. Sometimes, the guys' families keep quiet and return after 1-2 years time. So, untill they formally give a proposal, you should not take anything seriously. Formal proposal means the mom or any other elder of the guy will come and clearly say to your parents that they like their daughter and want this proposal to finalise. Once they give the formal proposal, your parents will need to discuss that you will be going to med school and if they have any problem with that, you will not proceed with this proposal. If they agree to your going to med school, and you all agree on the approximate time of marriage, and other issues, things will get finalised. So just wait for them to give FORMAL proposal. If they are not giving the formal proposal, your mom can ask the third party to talk to the guy's mom and convey to them that they should be formally proposing to you. Only then things can be considered as moving forward.
whattttt tht's so weird! Good to know, I didn't know that happened. My friend that got married (yes my ONLY friend with an arranged marriage) had the guys family call and then the boy and girl met and then talked for a few months and got engaged. Alhamdullilah theyre happily married for some time now.
This is interesting. my aunt was saying that since the women of the khandaan came over, if they're intersted, my parents are gng to have to go to NY to see the larka and THEN if theyre still interested we get to meet.
I guess youre right. No point in trying to gauge. I just figured there would be some indication since they've been calling and being persistent for so long. lol.
Ashy is right about the formal proposal. In my case, when they finally came over, ie the parents, I was left in no doubt whatsoever that they wanted me. Actually no there was doubt because I couldnt believe it was so sudden. And I didnt know the sign and they didnt tell me outright , they told my parents. The sign I was given was that when Ammi Abbu were leaving, Ammi gave me a little "gift" in a purse. Apparently that's something that is done in an arranged setting to indicate a yes from the boy's side.
Now some families observe this ritual some dont.
Before that however, a number of meetings took place between my husband and my family, excluding me, over the course of a few months. And my mother spoke extensively with his parents as well in gauging the seriousness of the rishta before I was involved. I was involved only when my parents had come to terms with my husband and were comfortable enough in the seriousness of the matter and were willing to see how it goes now. THEN his parents and him came over, THEN I met with them, and THEN they extended their formal yes properly and left it in the hands of my parents and me as to whether we accepted.
After that my parents went to his city when they decided it was a yes.
So there are rules to this process, formal proceedings and such. You won't be left in much doubt. Till then, tread carefully and do what you are doing in life. No need to think about it until it is presented to you by your parents. They are sorting it out in their minds first whether they want this to proceed or not and how. Once they finish dissecting it, you will be given a chance to see how you feel about it. Who knows, they might reject it themselves based on their findings and talks. So no need to concern yourself till your parents are doing the homework.
There are no such things as 'signs', one minute the sun is literally shining out of your arse, the next they don't even remember having seen you. People are $^$^£$*&.
You sound like me one or two years ago hehe. May I guess, this is one of your first rishtas? Dude, you're young, don't get bogged down worrying about a rishta that may or may not happen when you haven't even started medschool yet. I'm saying this because before I started medschool I got a rishta from a family friend and I spent soo much time thinking about it that in the end my dad had to tell me to stop bugging my mum asking about it hehe. They also knew that I wanted to do medicine etc but they still formally asked for the rishta. Now that I'm in medschool they've lost interest! Ha! Listen, you yourself will grow as a person - Your criteria will change about what you want in a guy and also, what you want to gain from life. You'll be at a different maturity level when you finish medschool to where you are now, and if you worry yourself about a proposal right now, that might cause problems later. I'm not sayin you should turn them down, but just take it all with a pinch of salt and relax. I mean, if it's meant to happen it will. But right now, I'd advise staying single and focussing on your studies. When you're actually studying medicine, and they see how damn stressful it is, you'll be able to judge whether they actually do want a doctor bahu or not. I don't think right now they realise that aspect yet..
Someone calls herself naive and dumb ... does that mean all the advice in post #12 is mere verbage? Sounds advice wants to be given than taken ....
Her rishte walley don't want a housewife ... they want an educated girl - as if housewives and educated girls are exclusives ... they never said they wanted a "working bahu" - can we even believe that any MIL will want a working bahu ... My mum is many times better than a lot of MILs out there and she doesn't want my wife to earn her own way. They want grandchildren and they want their sons to be looked after ... I can't imagine the motives a MIL would have to require a "working bahu"
^ The shadi will never work ... she will have to roll up her left leg and he will have to roll up his right leg and they will have to be each other's enemies ... It's the East Coast West Coast thang you see.
can we even believe that any MIL will want a working bahu ... My mum is many times better than a lot of MILs out there and she doesn't want my wife to earn her own way. They want grandchildren and they want their sons to be looked after ... I can't imagine the motives a MIL would have to require a "working bahu"
Sometimes MILs want a working bahu so that she can support the responsibilities of their sons. If the sons' income is not sufficient, or if they have other responsibilities like they need to contirbute towards their sisters' marriages, MILs look for working bahus. I myself had been getting proposals where the moms asked whether I was working and they would want me to continue working after marriage because dono saath kamain gey tau guzara hoga. Such MILs sometimes put a condition on girl before marriage which is pathetic.
Why would MILs NOT leave the choice of working or not working upto their DILs? DILS should obviously consult and discuss the issue with their fiance/ husband and then decide whatever they both think best for themselves and their future family.
