Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
what type of alcohol he consumes?
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
I think as your parents are arranging this marriage they have a right to know exactly what kind of man they are arranging a marriage with and maybe they can talk some sense into your sister.
Alcoholics dont change for anyone, they only change when THEY want to and IF they want to.
She is one of those girls who likes the challenge of turning a bad boy into a good man it doesnt happen it ends in heart break.
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
Dont even try having her marry this guy.
Its going to end up in nasty domestic and child abuse (comes with alcohol frequently enough) and then what will you do when she comes home with a bruised eye?
Whatever man. People make their choices. You choose to drink and it gets that bad that you're an "alcoholic" then you've already closed doors on marrying sensible women. You dont need to feel bad for this guy - he had a choice. He could very well not have drunk at all.
Bebo,
I know of rishta cases where the guy is honest and upfront about his drinking from the get-go when the rishtas are introduced. In this case........the information was HIDDEN **from you not only by the guy but his **PARENTS as well. His mom (aunti) might be a nice/sweet/friendly lady as you say she is.......BUT.......she **STILL **hid information from you. And that's not a very friendly thing to do. This aunti needs to put herself in **YOUR **parent's shoes. Does this aunti have a daughter of her own? Would this aunti like it if some guy's family hid their son's bad habits from her? What if your own sister had some serious bad habits? How would the aunti feel if your parents had hidden this info from her???
I'm not trying to turn you against this aunti. The poor woman probably thought that if she went around telling conservative families the truth about her son.........that they won't be interested in the rishta. If a parent want to take a gamble on their OWN **child's life.........that's one thing. BUT a parent shouldn't be making a gamble on **SOMEONE ELSE'S child. Gambles don't come with guarantees.
Also, you said that this aunti said she** "sees a glimmer of hope that her son will change if he marries your sister." **If she is seeing "hope"...........then that means this guy **STILL **drinks. Because if he had STOPPED drinking a long time ago...................then his mom would have no reason to pin her hopes on marriage changing her son......because he would have already been a changed man. Know what I mean?
Keep in mind, also, that most people like to make good impressions when meeting others. The last thing that anyone.......especially a DESI family......would want is for people to tell the community bad things about them. Let's say your previous boss fired you........and gave you a negative evaluation...............you don't bring these things up when interviewing a new job. You always give the impression that you are good for the job and there are no skeletons in your closet. But the new employer will STILL do a background check on you before deciding to hire you. And when you're hired.......nobody but YOU......can help change yourself for the better.
I'm not saying that this guy won't change or can't change........but I agree with the others that it's a difficult task to accomplish.............and it's one that HE needs to do on his own. This guy has no shortage of loved ones in his life such as parents/siblings whom he could have changed himself for. To hope that he'll change for a girl who is a complete stranger for him is quite a risk. Once again............not saying that it can't happen. Because I've heard stories where even the most dysfunctional guys have been changed for the better after marriage.
You should try talking to your sister again. If you need to print out articles about alcoholism and it's affects on family/loved ones...........then do so. Try to reason with her and explain to her the possible consequences of what she's getting herself into. And then let her talk to the guy...............let her get to know him................and see how she feels about him. Perhaps........in the process........she might find that she's not as attracted to him as she thought. Ask her WHY she's soooooooooo intent on marrying THIS particular guy. Is it because she's already developed feelings for him? Is it because she's 25 and feels that if she waits any longer........she may not find another more suitable match? If this is her fear.........try to reason with her and explain to her that 25 is not old. FIND OUT HER REASONS FOR BEING INTENT ON HIM.
Give her the chance to get to know him. And I also think that YOU should talk to/interview that guy as well. Have a list of questios that you want to ask him. And after YOU and YOUR sister have had the opportunity to speak with him.....................if your sister STILL wants to marry him.......................please get your parents involved and TELL them everything.
Your parents are the ones who will be PAYING for this wedding and they have the right to know what they're getting into. Also, your parents are responsible for their daughter and it would HURT them if you betray their trust like this. If YOU were in their situation......you'd want to know what your own kids are getting into.
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
Women and their motherly instincts 
I was so disturbed by all this yesterday that I wasn’t even thinking straight. Thank you everyone for all the advice. I’ve told her over and over again that there’s no guarantee he’ll stop drinking.. but she loves his family so much that she doesn’t even care if he drinks. RV I think you’re right.. she is starting to get worried about her age.
I’m thinking about asking the guy’s sister to arrange a way for all of us to go out for lunch and talk. It might give us a chance to get to know him better and see if there’s any signs of him wanting to change. Depending on how this goes, I’ll tell my mom. I think eventually we’ll have to tell her anyway..
I’ve asked her to do istikhara too.. hopefully that’ll help.
PS: Thanks for the guys who responded.. it’s always good to get the male perspective!
Can't really add more than what's been written already. Everybody has given you sound advice, namely that: People don't change because of someone else, they change because they want to; not telling your parents about this is a huge error and; your sister is taking a massive risk...
Also, the part where you mentioned the possibility that he got this girl pregnant...how do you know she's the only one? There's a chance there could be more that you don't know about. This raises a bunch of red flags - like STDs, more unknown children wandering around. If your sister goes through with this, then (and sorry for the bluntness) she may very well have a future which involves dealing with the embarrassment of adultery, random women filing paternity suits against him, and Allah forbid, illness in the form of an STD. I say this only because I know of a case where the guy had a pretty wild lifestyle pre-marriage and contracted HIV. Of course, he and his parents told no one. The girl he married then got HIV from him and it developed into full blown AIDS. She died of it, he lived and "repented" and everybody feels SOOOOOO bad for him because he feels SOOOOOO bad about it, bechara.
That's an extreme case. Like everyone else has said, this may be the turning point for him. He may very well change. People do. But your sister has to make a very cautious, very informed decision. The both of you have to spell all this out for your parents. Much talking and istikhara must be done. Find out if the guy is in AA or some sort of rehab program (if he isn't already, then I say that's another negative you should add to the list because this shows that he isn't yet in a place where he himself wants to change). And then you make your choice and leave it in Allah's hands.
Also, you mentioned that he "looks good." Meaning, good looks, financial stability, good family, etc. Please tell your sister that even though these things are important to a certain extent, they are no where near as important as someone with good, CLEAN and honest character, and an unselfish, loving heart. Not all the good looks, money, and family status can make up for that.
Edit: 25 is old? Wow. Then I was a dinosaur when I was married. And if I could go back and do it again, there's not a thing I would do different because Alhamdullillah, hubby is the best of men, after my father, may Allah grant him jannat. Twenty five is not old. And one shouldn't just marry someone just because one is getting on in years. That's a dangerous way to make a decision.
Just my 2 cents.
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
Mistral brings up very good points about STD's.
If he gets drunk every night he is probably sleeping around, and STD's dont effect men as badly as women. it can lead to horrible symptoms and infertility.
Also what if this woman he was supposedly having his baby comes back sometime in the future and demands child benefit.
Or what if the child turns up one day!
You must tell your parents, if you go for lunch with him and he says oh i will change how do you know this is true?
Yet another awesome point made by the brilliant, Mistral :)
Bebo, a couple of months ago......there was a guppy who created a thread about her khala who had divorced her husband after she found out that he had HIV.....which he contracted from having a very long extra-marital affair/s. The khala never saw it coming.......actually nobody in the family did.........because they had a happy/healthy marriage.
^Keeping this example in mind......it's important to talk to this guy.....get all the facts.....do a thorough invesitgation. Just because things seem "good" on the outside.........doesn't mean that all is well.
Please share these stories that we have posted with your sister as examples. 25 is not old. There are girls who get married later than 25 and have successful marriages because they didn't "settle" for what seemed satisfactory.
Also..............IF..............IF............your sister DOES decide to marry this particular guy...............since you know about his alcohol addictiona and promiscuous past...............don't hesitate to request a blood test. I think some states might require a blood test for marriage (Mistral....any idea?)......and others leave that choice to the couple. I know my cousin and her fiance got a blood test done......even though they both had a decent reputation/background. You can't toy with your health.
As **Alvena **suggested.......your sister and YOU should get to know the guy and then inform your parents. I would recommend that you NOT tell the guy's sister about the purpose of this lunch meeting. If you tell his sister that you want to get to know him better because he has a shady past.................his sister might even help him prepare the "right answers" to give you. Or he might prepare himself as well. You WANT this guy to be as natural as possible when answering your questions so that you can get a better feel about him.
Your sister can ask her set of questions......and you can have YOUR questions ready as well. I think this is important because your sister may not be ask the right questions since her mind is already made up to marry him. You on the other hand can be more objective.
Also........after the lunch.......talk to your sister........listen to what she has to say. And let your parents know about what you know about this guy and what you've learned about him during this lunch meeting.
Some states mandate a blood test prior to marriage. Some don’t. Here’s a comprehensive list.
Marriage License Laws Blood Test Requirements > by State
If your sister decides to go through with this, then she should demand one if your state doesn’t require it. But that’s a scenario that I don’t see ending well because people tend to get all defensive when it comes to their precious sons. At that point, if I were in your sister’s shoes, I would say to them point blank that I know about his lifestyle and I’m not putting my health and my life at risk for the sake of their izzat. I would tell them that if he’s not going to go through with the test, I sure as hell am not going through with the marriage. If your sister were to do that, it may well scare them into getting one because they don’t want to risk the marriage not going through or your sister or your family possibly telling someone in the community about his issues (not that you would do that since you’ve kept the secret for years…but THEY don’t know that). But then again, is that what she really wants…scaring him and his family into doing something that they really are ethically obligated to do?
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
^ Thanks for posting the link, Mistral. :k:
It’s possible that the guy’s family might get defensive about the blood test…but the request would not have been made if their son had a well-known decent/respectable reputation. And if the parents get testy…then Bebo and her sister can always ask them, **"If your own daughter was in our situation…wouldn’t u prefer that she not take risks with her health and future.? **Sometimes such questions can calm people own because it gets them to think about the issue from the other party’s point-of-view.
It IS true that it’s disturbing to get married to a guy who will only take a blood test because he fears his reputation is at stake if he doesn’t. I guess Bebo can tell the guy’s family,** “We WON’T reveal your son’s reputation to others within the community. It is your responsibility as parents to tell prospective rishtas about your son’s past and current habits. So please don’t take the blood test as a threat. If you don’t want to take a blood test…we respect your wishes…and will move on to the next rishta.”**
This way…the guy will not feel “forced” or “threatened” so if they DO get married…he hopefully won’t have any resentment toward Bebo’s family. And if he likes her that much…then he shouldn’t have a problem getting his blood tested.
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
Bebo i was curious is this your sisters first rishta?
If it is maybe you should encourage her to keep her options open.
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
Just read your question about what it says in Islam about marrying someone who drinks.
I am not a religious scholar. This is simply what I've gathered from my own readings and studies, so if I'm wrong, someone please jump in here. I know that when a Muslim is looking to marry, the Prophet (PBUH) has stated that a person of faith and good character is the best candidate for marriage. This does, of course, apply equally to men and women. While I don't recall reading something specifically about it being ok/not ok to marry someone who drinks, it's not a massive logical leap to say that someone who drinks isn't a person of good character, seeing that alcohol is a big fat no-no in our faith.
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
I know a girl who was in a similar position as u, she got married in hope tht he will change unfortunately Men like him dont change :(
And ur pretty nuts not telling ur parents about his past
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
^ Yep drinking problem never goes away. For as the sufis say* "In the intoxication of wine i found my beloved! *
Mistral thanks for the link!!! Our state doesn't have the requirement but there's no way i'll let her marry him without a blood test.. she agrees with me on this. Thank God! His family really is very nice and no-drama.. so i'm pretty sure they won't have a problem with this.. considering we've kept the secret for so long.
I set up a very casual lunch for next weekend.. hopefully we can at least get everything about his past relationships cleared up.. and see where he stands with the alcohol.. i'll definitely ask him about rehab, etc. Everyone is right.. he has to **want **to fix himself.. no one else can change an alcoholic but himself.
Bebo i was curious is this your sisters first rishta?
If it is maybe you should encourage her to keep her options open.
Alvena, this isn't her first rishta.. She's had several in the past.. but they didn't work out for one reason or another. I think she's so gung-ho about this one because we know the family and she's comfortable with them. She has two other options available right now al-H.. so hopefully it'll be easy to encourage her to look elsewhere if we're not satisfied after the lunch.
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
I hope things work out for ur family...my best wishes n prayers :)
when you get together to meet him next week, and the topic of rehab is discussed and if he agrees to it, make sure he completes rehab before any significant steps are taken towards a wedding. Work on compiling a list of questions for him, and I'm sure the guppies here will be able to help...
I personally dont think she should get married to him since he probably wont change (I have seen the effects of alcohol first hand). But you need to tell your parents, if you want whats best for your sister. And read isthikara.
your sister says she loves his family, etc... so at least she'll have someone to cry to when she discovers what its really like to be around someone that drinks and probably sleeps around. What is she doing to do when her in-laws are no longer around and have passed away?
whats wrong with an alcoholic. seriously, stop discriminating against people's customs and social norms.
apparently, there is nothing "right" about alcohol.
losers drink it cuz they wana escape from the reality.
and if a person cant face the reality, how the hell can he take the responsibility of anything else. :)
Re: Rishta of an Alcoholic!
Hi
The guy is drinker (many marries to a social drinkers have happy family life) but an Alcoholic???
Marries to a social drinker is possible depend of ones personal values, but an Alcoholic is big no. I do not want to touch on other like STD, and other relationships.
All sane peoples would say no, but if that what she like then there is nothing could do.
May good give her wisdom to make a right choice.
Good luck to her.